The Nobel Prize was awarded to three quantum physicists who explained particles’ “spooky behavior at a distance”. The recipients: Drs Velma, Shaggy & Daphne, determined it was really Old Man Jefferson trying to collect insurance money from his abandoned particle farm.

Kanye West wore a ‘White Lives Matter’ shirt at a surprise Yeezy Fashion Show, which also doubled as the first Trump rally held in Paris.

The Lake Erie Walleye fishing tournament disqualified two entrants when judges found lead weights in fish they’d caught. The fishermen unsuccessfully argued they’d caught the fish after an underwater gunfight between rival schools.

Jeffrey Dahmer was known to wear bright yellow-colored contact lenses, to emulate both Star Wars‘ Emperor Palpatine and a murderer in the film Exorcist III. This confused his mother, who thought he had too many kidneys in his diet.

The broken Nord Stream gas pipeline beneath the Baltic Sea was repaired, but over 500,000 gallons of methane had escaped. The government of Denmark called in experts in massive methane discharge – dairy farmers, and workers who clean the restrooms on the New Jersey Turnpike.

A man carrying a pink smoke bomb ran on to the playing field during Monday night’s Rams/49ers game, and was leveled by Rams linebacker Bobby Wagner. The man has entered the NFL’s concussion and multiple-fractured-vertebrae protocols.

Hilaria Baldwin shared a photo with husband Alec and their seven children together. “Great shot!” said their friends, which is something Alec hasn’t heard in a while.

The BET Hip-Hop Awards will be held Tuesday night. Producers say they’ll leave a couple of spots in the show’s In Memoriam segment open just in case someone gets shot on the red carpet.

Georgia GOP Senate candidate Herschel Walker, who is ‘pro-life’, allegedly paid for a girlfriend’s abortion in 2009. Walker denies the claim, adding that it was 13 years and 20 abortions ago.

Sources claim Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have hired divorce lawyers, adding that Brady has already activated several lingerie models from his practice squad.

Cellmate, a chastity sex toy that covers the penis and is controlled by an app, left users at risk of permanent lock-in due to a security flaw. Nevertheless, the Coalition of Gay Locksmiths said they’d be happy to help out anyone who’s stuck.

The Seattle Storm swept the Las Vegas Aces 3 games to 0, winning the WNBA title. Rioters flooded the streets, but that’s every weeknight in downtown Seattle.

Two women shared a Nobel Prize for “rewriting the code of life”. Unfortunately, the rewritten code of life is the CRISPR gene editing tool, not a zero-calorie mojito recipe. [joke h/t to KBM]

Mike Pence’s team reportedly doesn’t want a plexiglass barrier at the Vice Presidential debate – he prefers an opaque curtain so he doesn’t have to see another woman.

Cruise lines are reducing the number of vessels, and some send retired ships to Aliaga, Turkey so they can be torn apart and sold for scrap. Workers tearing down the ships say the hardest part is getting all the bodies of old people out of the way.

QAnon has been removed from Facebook – but remains a proud founding sponsor of Parler.

Slack announced that in 2021, users will be able to send Slack messages to workers at other companies – a breakthrough that will let employees sexually harass people who work somewhere else.

Two more Tennessee Titans tested positive for COVID-19, putting Sunday’s game at risk after last weekend’s was postponed. They may become the first NFL team with a Bye-Bye week.

A Chicago study found four out of five COVID-19 patients showed effects of the disease in their brain. A study of White House COVID-19 patients showed there wasn’t much more damage that COVID-19 could do.

The air leak on the International Space Station is worse than initially believed. But the good news is they can install the new toilet they’re getting next to it.

A new type of malware was discovered that steals screenshots and other information off computers, based on code buried in memes posted to Twitter. The malware authors have already claimed the inaugural Nobel Prize in Social Media, for deterring dopes from posting more hackneyed Twitter memes.

Police and hackers discovered they can use 3D-printed replicas of someone’s head & face to unlock a smartphone. ISIS & Al Qaeda responded by requiring all their terrorists to wear sunglasses on Team Picture Day.

A California woman said Southwest Airlines made her surrender her pet beta fish before a flight, and that she had to give the fish to a stranger since the airline wouldn’t hold it. The woman said she had no idea where the fish ended up, but a guy using an airport toilet has a pretty good idea.

94301, Palo Alto, California is the U.S.’ most expensive zip code. based on a study by 24/7 Wall Street.  The least expensive zip code is Five Blanks, Mississippi, which is too poor to send or receive mail.

The state of California ended its plan to generate revenue by taxing text messages. California’s Department of Revenue announced the decision with this : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

According to a study posted in journal JAMA Pediatrics, children in Florida schools getting report cards on Friday showed a fourfold increase in incidents of domestic abuse on Saturday. Children in states with better schools knew enough to hide their lousy report cards until Monday.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly still interested in interviewing President Trump as part of the Russia probe. He’s so serious, he bought a long blonde wig & a tight dress and sent an audition tape to Fox News.

Ex-CBS CEO Les Moonves will not receive the $140 million severance stipulated in his contract, since a CBS investigation found numerous instances of both sexual misconduct – harassing women .. and professional misconduct – green-lighting ‘God Friended Me’.

According to the U.S. Postal Service, today is the last day to mail your b.s. Christmas letter in time to have friends & family members roll their eyes reading it before December 25th.

Alfonso Ribeiro is suing Epic Games and 2K Sports for copying his Fresh Prince of Bel Air ‘Carlton Dance’ in their Fortnite and NBA 2K games. Ribeiro states that he’s in the process of copyrighting the Carlton Dance, and also copyrighting the idea of a black guy being an uptight white loser.

 

An institutionalized Hawaii man described as a “psychopathic predator” – acquitted of a 1979 murder due to insanity – escaped a psychiatric hospital, took a taxi to Honolulu airport and flew to California. Police captured the fugitive, are reviewing his escape and determining how he booked all of that travel with Marlboro Miles.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a form of digital pill with an embedded sensor that tells your doctor when you take it.  The American Veterinary Association approved a similar pill that tells vets your dog or cat spit their pill out and are hiding under the sofa.

Senator John McCain blasted the U.S. Army for a report that they accept recruits with a history of self-mutilation, telling reporters that mutilation of recruits should be saved for basic training.

A U.S. man with a rare condition is the first to undergo gene editing in the body, and now goes by Jeanne.

The release date of superhero sequel Wonder Woman 2 has been moved six weeks earlier, to November 1st, from December 13th, 2019.  “Good luck with her being ready early” said her old boyfriend.

A rare alligator snapping turtle has been found in the forests of Illinois, the first such sighting in the state in 30 years. The 30-pound female is around 18-years-old and was discovered wandering alone, wondering where all of the cute guys are.

Taylor Swift surprised shoppers at a Nashville Target store with an unannounced  appearance, followed by the release of a store-exclusive diss track “Snake Getting Groceries”, aimed at people who asked her for selfies without buying her Reputation album first.

People magazine named Blake Shelton their ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, with the express condition he not write a terrible country song with that title.

Three UCLA men’s basketball players returned with the team from China, where they were detained after allegedly shoplifting Louis Vuitton sunglasses. Upon arrival in the U.S., the players updated their Amazon Wish Lists to include “new sunglasses”.

President Trump is breaking with tradition and will not meet the American winners of Nobel Prizes. The White House cited a scheduling conflict with the Arena Football League Champion Philadelphia Soul – assuming they accept.

 

Marilou Danley, girlfriend of Las Vegas mass shooter Stephen Paddock, released a statement calling Paddock “a kind, quiet caring man”. Danley’s family released a statement calling Marilou “not great at reading people”.

A Florida woman was charged with felony fraud for repeatedly putting glass shards in her food and cutting her mouth to get free meals at restaurants. Police reported that she perpetrated the scam at 11 restaurants in 11 days – succeeding everywhere but Old Country Buffet, where she was 10th in line for medical attention.

Archaeologists in Turkey are claiming to have discovered the tomb of Saint Nicholas, as well as several thousand tombs of tiny elves.

Japanese Public Broadcasting network NHK said that labor officials concluded a 31 year-old employee died from heart failure caused by overwork. NHK said Miwa Sado had logged 159 hours of overtime in the month before her death and, worse, didn’t get a single person to donate to their pledge drive.

Google unveiled its new Pixel 2 smartphones. They’re including a new feature called Lens – where you point your camera at something to get more information about it. So you can point at a dog to see what breed it is, or point it at a person to see if they have sex on the first date or get their Social Security number.

The National Hockey League kicked off its 100th season. Several teams invited legendary players to pregame ceremonies at center ice to drop their teeth.

ProPublica reports that many cash-strapped cities are paying for-profit charter schools fees for students who never attend. Conversely, tobacco companies are enjoying record truancy for students they’re paying to smoke in the woods next to the charter schools.

The American Automobile Association (AAA) Foundation for Traffic Safety cites in-car infotainment systems as a growing cause of accidents, and released its list of the most-distracting vehicle systems. Topping the list is the Audi Q7 QPP, whose screen allows GPS programming on the fly and one-touch German porn.

President Trump and First Lady Melania returned from Las Vegas. Trump will  focus on progress for tax reform, and Melania will be busy picking out shoes for the next disaster.

British author Kazuo Ishiguro won the Nobel Prize for literature. The Nobel academy described his work as a ‘mix of Jane Austen and Kafka..with a little bit of Marcel Proust’. Meaning, you’ll never read any of his books.

 

88% of Puerto Rico residents are still without cell phone service. The outage most severely impacts T-Mobile customers, who aren’t really sure they ever had service to begin with.

Three U.S. scientists will share the Nobel Prize for physics for their detection of gravitational waves – the stretching & squeezing of space-time occurring when massive objects accelerate. They were able to successfully prove the existence of a black hole formed at the entrance of a Popeye’s Chicken when it opens for lunch.

National Geographic compiled a list of 10 huge discoveries that should have been Nobel Prize winners, but weren’t. The list includes the World Wide Web, the Human Genome, Dark Matter – and Donald Trump’s combover.

Chaotic scenes played out in Spain following a Catalonian referendum on independence. A Quinnipiac poll asked 1,000 Americans what they thought of Catalonia; 50 were in favor of independence, 50 were against, 800 said they didn’t know, and 100 said it was their favorite Bob Seger song.

Former Equifax CEO Richard Smith is set to testify before Congress on Tuesday, and he’ll remain in Washington DC for three more days of hearings. He’s trying to find a couch to crash on, since none of his credit cards are being accepted at hotels.

  • Equifax admitted this week that another 2.5 million records had been stolen; even more may be added to the total as Eastern European hackers staff up for the Holidays.

Warren Buffett announced that his Berkshire Hathaway will buy a majority ownership stake in truck stop company Pilot Flying J.  The news was welcomed by meth dealers and prostitutes who will finally have tuition reimbursement and 401Ks.

 

Following Sunday night’s horrific shooting in Las Vegas, President Trump led the nation in a moment of silence Monday afternoon, and was awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.

A coalition of 40 Roman Catholic organizations in the ‘Global Catholic Climate Movement’ announced that they will no longer invest in fossil fuels – choosing, instead, to shift their funds to creationist fuels.

Senator Elizabeth Warren told Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan that he should be fired, at which point President Trump burst into the Senate Banking Committee hearing to accuse Pocahontas of stealing his line.