Wednesday Jokes: October 11th

A survey shows that only one-third of millennials have a credit card. And of those that do, the most popular credit card they have is their Dad’s.

The New Yorker published a new article documenting aggressive sexual behavior by Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein. One woman alleges that Weinstein forced himself on her, and when she resisted, Weinstein masturbated and ejaculated into a potted plant. Weinstein was later sued by the plant for giving it herpes, and for back child support.

A couple in Longboat Key, Florida called police after discovering a hidden camera in the smoke detector mounted in the bedroom of their Airbnb rental. The owner of the property denied wrongdoing, saying the camera only activated during especially hot sex.

Scientists have collected 95 pounds of gold, worth nearly $2 million, from Switzerland’s raw sewage and waste water treatment plant. President Trump promptly scheduled a Swiss vacation to research the gold-in-showers.

Pizza Hut is rolling out new pizza boxes and delivery bags that they say will make their pizzas up to 15 degrees hotter when delivered. Pizza Hut research shows customers are less likely to taste how bad the pizza is if they burn their mouths.

Toymaker Bandai is releasing a 20th Anniversary version of its iconic Tamagotchi digital pet toy. Meanwhile, original Tamagotchi pets, introduced in 1997, are being put to sleep.

The United States Men’s National Soccer Team was eliminated from the 2018 World Cup after losing 2-1 to doormat Trinidad & Tobago. Adding insult to injury, the USMNT Dads couldn’t find a pizzeria in Trinidad & Tobago to take the boys after their loss.

Arby’s is testing sandwiches made of elk meat in select markets, and rolling out venison sandwiches nationwide. Arby’s is sourcing the venison from New Zealand, saying there aren’t enough U.S. deer being hit by trucks to meet demand.

A Washington DC pharmacist told a reporter from STAT News that he has filled Alzheimer’s prescriptions for members of Congress. Patient privacy laws forbid the pharmacist from naming the specific patient, but the interview was interrupted briefly by a call from an assistant for “Mr McBain”.

President Trump took to Twitter to threaten the broadcast license of NBC for what he says is their repeated inaccurate coverage of him, and because Melania keeps telling him to shut up during ‘This Is Us’.


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