Amazon founder Jeff Bezos passed Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the world’s richest person. Then Gates emptied his pants pockets on laundry day and reclaimed the title.

CVS Pharmacy is in talks to acquire health insurance giant Aetna, as CVS seeks synergy between their incredibly long receipts and Aetna’s incredibly long red tape.

A new study in the journal JAMA Internal Medicine links pesticides used by fruit & vegetable growers to reduced fertility in women. The study was commissioned by fraternity scumbags looking to avoid condom use by giving their dates apples & strawberries.

United Airlines new Los Angeles-to-Singapore route is the longest-ever flight for a U.S. domestic carrier. The 18-hour route consists of a 16-hour flight preceded by 2 hours of coach passenger dragging drills by United flight attendants.

A 10-year-old boy led Ohio State Highway Patrol on an hour-long chase, with speeds reaching nearly 100 mph. The boy was ultimately apprehended safely, although his Big Wheel was totaled.

October, 2017 is the lowest-grossing month for movies in 10 years, with receipts totaling less than $600 million — most of which was hush money paid to ticket takers by people seeking to remain anonymous while seeing Boo 2: A Madea Halloween.

Constellation Brands, the company that owns Corona Beer, is investing in Canopy Growth, a Canadian marijuana grower, as it seeks to expand its dominant wallet share of 40+ divorced loser dads.

Startup Babylon Health is using artificial intelligence and data mining to predict when you’ll be sick; investors are skeptical since the best predictions it’s made so far are ‘the night of your birthday’ and ‘the morning after the Super Bowl’.

Former Trump Campaign Manager Paul Manafort was indicted on federal charges including money laundering and tax fraud. He is expected to post his cash bail in a woven Ukrainian basket as soon as he finishes laundering it.

The Trump Campaign responded to the Manafort indictment by sending out a fundraising email titled ‘Still Standing’, asking Trump supporters to donate one dollar. The email was authored by Eric Trump, evidenced by the heavy use of smiley, fire and moneybag emojis.