Thursday Jokes: August 16

A Utah librarian was found guilty of spending $90k in public funds playing ‘Game of War’ on his smartphone. Quietly.

Off of Cape Cod, Massachusetts near Truro a 61-year-old man was bitten by a shark. Lifeguards first suspected an electric eel attack when the man yelled “Shock! Schock!”

President Trump rescinded the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan, saying that Brennan had been guilty of “erratic conduct” and “frenzied commentary”. The pot will now decide what other black kettles will lose their clearance.

According to a profile of several sperm cryobanks in The Guardian, the United States leads the world in exports of sperm, thanks in large part to record-low U.S. unemployment in the sperm-production industry. [h/t to Jeff O]

The Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, died at age 76. Funeral arrangements are pending for family, friends & fans to pay their C-O-N-D-O-L-E-N-C-E-S .

Melania Trump plans to address a cyberbullying seminar in Maryland next week. The President asked if he could also attend, but the First Lady told him it’s an anti-cyberbullying seminar.

A Georgia police chief said that an officer in his department was justified in using a taser on an 87-year-old woman. The woman was carrying a knife outside of a Boys & Girls Club cutting dandelions. Police responded and say that she refused to drop the knife, and that she was also wearing Crips colors.

Bristol Palin is being criticized for posting a photo of her 9-year-old son, Tripp and his father, Palin’s ex, Levi Johnston, posing with a hunting rifle and a dead caribou. Palin explained that hunting is legal, and that the caribou shot itself rather than being photographed alive with one of the Palins.

The American Journal of Psychiatry published a study linking pesticides in vegetables to autism. “I rest my case” said a 7-year-old steadfastly refusing to eat his broccoli.

Baseball slugger Babe Ruth died on this day, August 16, 1948, 70 years ago. TIME magazine republished his obituary, which discussed his hitting greatness, but somehow left out the legend that he was able to fart at will.


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