Monday Jokes: August 20

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf set up a hotline for residents to call for assistance following last week’s devastating flooding – provided your phone still works after being submerged in flood water.

Washington Capitals’ Alex Ovechkin announced the arrival of his first child, Sergei. Ovechkin’s wife delivered the baby via five-hole.

A new study from Arizona State University claims that disposable contact lenses flushed into the sewer are adding to the plastic waste contaminating the oceans. However, the lenses are also helping nearsighted fish see sharks further away and avoid being eaten.

The New York Times reported that Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team investigating Russian election interference has interviewed White House attorney Don McGahn for over 30 hours. Mueller’s team said they were done after 3 hours, but McGahn didn’t feel like going back to the White House.

A 47-year-old Massachusetts man was arrested after a fight broke out between two foursomes on a golf course. The arrested man bit off another player’s finger during the fight, while a more helpful player hit it out of a sand trap to within six feet of an EMT standing by the pin.

2 Chainz got married — now he’s Ball n’ 2 Chainz.

Nemesio Oseguera Cervantes, known as “El Mencho,” was named the most-wanted drug kingpin in North America, as Mexican and U.S. authorities put a $6.5 million bounty for capture of the leader of the Jalisco New Generation cartel. El Mencho is not to be confused with Harvey “El Menscho” Mensch, all-around great guy at Jalisco’s Hebrew Temple Beth El.

Conde Nast Traveler magazine readers named the world’s 11 Most Friendly Cities, topped by San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. Two Mexican cities and two in Ireland made the list. while no U.S. cities were named — this despite Philadelphia’s “vote for f***in Philadelphia, already, you pussies!” campaign.

Pokémon Go publisher Niantic has launched a new parental login portal for the popular mobile game so that parents can monitor their children’s activity, and, in all likelihood, suck the fun out of it.

A sixth-grade teacher in Georgia donated a kidney to one of his students, and later donated a C- to the essay that the student wrote about it.

 

2 Comments

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  1. Thought I’d try leaving a note here vs. social media. Loved the “El Menscho” one and had to look up the meaning of five-hole (not a hockey fan) but that was hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

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