Tuesday Jokes: August 21

A woman walking her dog in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina was killed by an alligator. The dog escaped without injury, and is being called a ‘canine of interest’ in a possible murder-for-hire plot.

Russian officials say that accused spy Maria Butina – held without bail in a Virginia prison – is a victim of ‘borderline torture’. U.S. officials said if Russia wants, they can transfer her to Guantanamo Bay for over-the-borderline torture.

Maulik Majmudar, associate director of the Healthcare Transformation Lab at Massachusetts General Hospital, announced on Twitter he’s moving to “an exciting ..role at Amazon.” It’s unclear whether the veteran cardiologist is planning to help Amazon move into healthcare, or just resuscitate overworked Amazon warehouse employees.

A Delaware animal clinic says that a local pony was sexually assaulted in a barn by one or more people. The pony is being treated, and its story will be the season opener for Law & Order: SVU, as soon as they can cast the role of the pony.

A man in Northeast Philadelphia jumped from a 2nd story window to escape intruders that broke into his home. The man was injured, but survived, and the intruders were delighted to finally have the place to themselves.

The Eagles: Their Greatest Hits [1971-1975] was certified as the biggest-selling album in U.S. history, at 38 million units, surpassing Michael Jackson’s Thriller at 33 million. The Recording Industry of America says many of the Eagles sales are digital, to replace vinyl, cassette and CD copies that people broke to keep from having to hear it again.

Fox News commenter Tomi Lahren gained attention for her tweet which read “Truth is the new hate speech”. Ironically, considering the truth that Tomi Lahren is a total moron, …she’s kind of right.

Ronda Rousey took the WWE Women’s Championship with a win over Alexa Bliss in the SummerSlam co-main event.  Rousey was listed as the favorite of whoever scripted how the fight turned out.

Archaeologists exploring a rural field in Kansas believe they’ve found arrowheads, pots and other remnants of an ancient lost city. Similarly, summer tourists passing near the dig site believe they’ve found the remnants of an ancient, lost city– Wichita.

A police officer in Argentina is being praised after photos emerged of her breastfeeding a malnourished baby in a Buenos Aires hospital – and while rejecting the advances of other patients who said they hadn’t eaten in days.

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