Thursday Jokes: September 13

The Seattle Storm swept the Washington Mystics in three games to win the best-of-5 WNBA Championship — stunning experts who thought the WNBA would have folded by now.

Consumer researcher The Harris Poll surveyed 77,000 Americans for opinions on 3,000 brands, and Taco Bell was named America’s “Best Mexican Restaurant”, edging out “That Sketchy Truck.”

Residents in Brookhaven, Long Island are outraged that someone mysteriously set up several vending machines labeled “Pens” that were actually selling crack pipes for two dollars each. The machines also outraged crackheads who couldn’t find dollar bills smooth enough to buy a “pen”.

Bookmakers in England are offering lower-than-even-money odds that Duchess Meghan Markle will become pregnant and deliver a baby in 2019 – and 1000:1 odds that Meghan’s father will send a cool baby gift.

President Trump accused the Democrats of inflating the Puerto Rico death toll — estimated around 2,900 — in the wake of Hurricane Maria. Democrats responded by saying they wouldn’t kid around about losing thousands of people who would help vote Trump out in 2020.

Rumors circulated that actor Henry Cavill is out as Superman in the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. Reporters attempted to locate Cavill to confirm the story, but couldn’t recognize him with his glasses on.

Georgia School for Innovation and the Classics – a public charter school serving kindergarten through sixth grade – is asking parents to approve “consent to paddle” forms so that teachers and administrators can spank misbehaving students. The school has future plans to open a high school, and receive an avalanche of resumes from male teachers.

Apple held a new product launch event on Wednesday, introducing three new iPhones, the XS, XS Max & XR.  All three will follow Apple’s warranty policy “You break it, you probably already bought it for at least $800.”

The Waffle House Storm Center is actively monitoring Hurricane Florence. The Waffle House Storm Index will monitor flooding in areas served by Waffle Houses, and flooding in rest rooms having to do with Waffle House food.

The owner of Atlantic City’s Ocean Resort Casino said he’ll offer free rooms to anyone fleeing Hurricane Florence who can prove they’re from a mandatory evacuation area. This, as guests at other Atlantic City hotels flee just because it’s Atlantic City.

 

 

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