Experts refuted a report that Boston University had created a newer, deadlier COVID strain in a lab, determining instead that someone spilled Samuel Adams Oktoberfest into a petri dish.

A woman who had once faked her own kidnapping 13 years ago and fled to Disney World to avoid embezzlement charges is now accused of embezzling from her new employer. Her defense attorney says Disney World has gotten, like, crazy expensive.

Meghan Markle said that her time as a ‘briefcase girl’ on game show Deal Or No Deal made her feel like a ‘bimbo’. Producers of the show say they’re disappointed to hear this, saying they were going for more of a ‘hooker’ vibe.

Apple increased the price of its entry-level iPad from $329 to $449. For the extra money you get a larger screen, USB-C charging, and exclusive preloaded porn you can watch on the toilet.

Two Wyoming college wrestlers on a hunting trip were seriously injured when they were ambushed by a grizzly bear. Their wrestling coach joined wildlife officials in trying to find the bear, so he can offer it a full scholarship.

Barack Obama said Democrats need to avoid being a “buzzkill”. “Yeah, man, I can dig it, you get your Blink-182 tickets yet, Barry?” said his hepcat friend Joey Biden.

Netflix shares rose after posting better-than-expected subscriber growth, which management attributed to murder and cannibalism.

Passengers in business class on a United Airlines flight from Tampa to Newark shrieked when they discovered a garter snake on the floor. Workers removed the snake, who then berated gate agents for causing it to miss its connection to London.

A week after deleting her Instagram account, Britney Spears posted a nude photo on Twitter, saying “I have a premiere for a movie this week ‘THE LEGISLATIVE ACT OF MY P—Y’ !!!!” So far, ‘The Legislative Act Of My P—y‘ is getting way better reviews than her 2002 movie ‘Crossroads‘.

Actor Matthew Perry said he nearly died several years ago when his colon burst because of opioid addiction. He was placed in a coma and had to use a colostomy bag for nine months, which kind of explains why the Friends reunion took a while.

New research from Japan suggests dogs eyes can well up with tears of joy when reunited with their owners. Then the cat makes fun of them.

More details are emerging regarding Gary Busey’s sex assault charges at Monster Mania in New Jersey. Busey allegedly grabbed two women’s buttocks and tried to unhook a bra. Busey is likely banned at future Monster Mania conventions, but is now invited to several Trump Rallys.

Former Playmates say Hugh Hefner encouraged them to have risky, unprotected sex with him. Sex was unprotected because he didn’t use a condom, and risky because he turned off his pacemaker.

Tesla raised the price of Full Self Driving software in its cars to $15,000. Which sounds expensive, but it comes with 10 downloadable movies to watch and a sex swing for the backseat.

Apple will let you repair certain Macbook laptops yourself starting Tuesday. Then, starting Wednesday, you can see if someone else can fix the damage you did.

Viral video shows a woman performing oral sex on a man in the outfield upper deck during an Oakland A’s baseball game. Despite sitting 500 feet from home plate, she was still struck by foul balls.

Meghan Markle said on a podcast that her baby Archie’s nursery caught fire while she was away giving a speech in South Africa. Archie was okay, and has since quit smoking.

Fans of HBO’s new Game of Thrones prequel ‘House Of The Dragon’ are angry at a scene where a man forces a woman to have a c-section, killing her. They say the scene isn’t faithful to the original books, because it takes place in Texas in 2022.

The car and body of missing California teen Kiely Rodny was found in 35 minutes by dive team Adventures With Purpose, after local cops say they spent 20,000 man hours searching the same lake. Adventures With Purpose said they were more successful because they actually went in the water.

Residents of Mexico City say it’s being gentrified by American expatriates moving there to work remotely and avoid the costs of big cities like New York or Los Angeles. They also blame the $50,000 hiring bonuses being offered by the Sinaloa drug cartel.

Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

Meghan Markle & Prince Harry will appear at Saturday’s Global Citizen festival to defend the planet and defeat poverty. Since they’re showing up, it’s now called the Global Better-Than-You-Normal-Citizens festival.

The United States death toll – 675,000 Americans & counting – from COVID-19 just surpassed the deaths from the 1918 Spanish Flu. “F*ck” .. was the last word of a 105-year-old who retires with a record of 1-1 against the two viruses.

“Actress” Nicole Richie accidentally set her hair on fire while blowing out candles celebrating her 40th birthday. The fire briefly spread to her pants and she admitted she’s 47.

Cassandra Peterson – better known as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark – says in her new autobiography that she’s been in a same-sex relationship with a woman for 19 years. Though she admits the relationship is open and allows her to bang werewolves during a full moon.

The cinema remake of Broadway hit ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ received mostly negative reviews, many centering on 27-year-old Ben Platt playing the title high-school character. A sequel is planned, ‘Evan Hansen Gets His GED’.

Disney CEO Bob Chiapek praised Disney’s Park Pass Reservation System as the “backbone” of their theme park operation. He then praised overpriced day passes as the “arm and a leg” that sucker families append to that backbone.

Talk show host James Corden faces criticism for his comments regarding Korean boy-band BTS’ appearance at the United Nations, saying it was unusual because their fanbase is mostly 15-year-old girls. U.N. ambassadors from Iraq and Afghanistan said some of their wives are 15-year-old girls.

African airlines are converting passenger jets to cargo carriers because they can make more money. That, and Air Ethiopia is tired of hearing passengers complain that they’re starving.

A magnitude 5.9 earthquake hit Melbourne, Australia, as parents scrambled to retrieve their joeys and put them back in pouches.

The Rolling Stones played their first concert since the death of drummer Charlie Watts, a private concert for New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft. The Stones hired new drummer Steve Jordan to beat the skins, and Kraft found a new massage therapist to do the same.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis blamed the state’s surging COVID-19 infections and hospitalizations on immigrants. “Technically, we’re from Louisiana” said the immigrants.

Donald Trump is planning to sell gold-plated ‘Trump Cards’ to supporters on his mailing list. It’s unclear what benefit the cards provide, although there’s speculation they earn points at the prison stores where January 6th rioters are jailed.

Bill Gates said it was a “huge mistake” spending time with Jeffrey Epstein, adding how embarrassed he was when underage girls would laugh when he tried giving them Zunes as gifts.

Meghan Markle turned 40, earning the new title Duchess Cougar of Sussex.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards is reportedly in advanced negotiations to become the game show’s permanent host, after his failed tryout for quarterback at Green Bay Packers camp.

Hawaii plans to limit the number of tourists to the island of Oahu. “Mahalo” now means “thanks for staying away”.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts said he’ll be unavailable to join the group on their fall tour, leaving the band scrambling to find an 80-year-old drum machine to fill in.

Both Chevrolet and Hyundai issued massive recalls to replace batteries on electric vehicles – or, in some cases, just rotate them 180 degrees so the + and – line up.

New research claims people spend over 50% of their time not being ‘in the moment’. The number increases to 98% while they’re having sex and imagining someone else.

Richard Trumka, President of labor union AFL-CIO, passed away at age 72. His burial is scheduled for whenever the concrete pilings are poured for the next big football stadium that gets built.

Disneyland’s Avengers Campus opens this week. Admission is only available if you’re contacted by a bald, tough-talking, one-eyed black guy.

A 17-year-old girl was captured on video shoving a large bear off her backyard fence as the bear squared off with her family’s dogs. The bear left, but is biding its time until she’s sunbathing alone in the yard.

JBS, a company that supplies one-fifth of the world with meat, is the latest victim of a ransomware attack. It’s unclear if the meat processor will pay up, but for now, they’re facing off with the attackers in a high-stakes game of chicken.

Elon Musk blamed Tesla auto price increases on “raw materials issues”. Specifically, he needs money from car sales to buy raw materials to rebuild SpaceX rockets that keep blowing up.

Space junk crashed into the International Space Station, breaking a robotic arm. The robotic arm was repaired, but then an astronaut was hit by space junk walking out to sign the cast.

The Biden administration terminated oil drilling contracts in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Environmentalists praised the move, but it also results in the loss of hundreds of good jobs for seals working on oil rigs.

Motley Crue’s Vince Neil had to cut short a solo gig at the Boone River Valley Festival in Iowa because his voice was shot. Worse, his voice failed saying “How’s everybody doing tonight?”

56-year-old supermodel Paulina Porizkova said her beauty regimen involves lasers, and “treatments…where you don’t look like you’ve been mauled by a bear”. Porizkova is facing a defamation lawsuit from the bear that used to do her makeup.

‘Very old’ human remains were found near Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s California estate by landscaping crews doing excavation work. Harry explained that some relatives were in town visiting.

N’Sync’s Lance Bass and husband Michael Turchin are expecting twins. Currently their genders are male and female, but the couple said they’ll accept them even if they’re bi bi bi.

Four grey whales were found dead in the San Francisco Bay over the course of nine days. Investigators suspect a serial shark.

Three elderly females in India were accidentally given rabies vaccines instead of COVID-19 vaccines. They didn’t mind because they’re 75-year-old raccoons.

Taylor Swift released a rerecorded version of her 2008 album, ‘Fearless’ – her first rerelease since the rights to her early work were sold without her authorization. In order to recapture the feeling of 2008, she asked John Mayer to dump her again.

NFL QB Deshaun Watson – facing 22 accusations of sexual harassment – said he had sex with massage therapists, but it was consensual. Teammates have remained mostly silent, except for asking Watson for the phone numbers of his massage therapists.

‘My Pillow Guy’ Mike Lindell said he hired a private investigator to find out why he’s not allowed to appear on Fox News. The p.i. made one three-minute phone call, told Lindell, “because they know you’re nuts”, then sent him a bill.

Wine makers in France are starting fires in their vineyards to avoid a freeze during a cold snap. They’re hoping to avoid a wine shortage, or maybe start a new trend of drinking warm grape juice.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s family launched a website defending her reputation. It’s called Only Fans of Human Traffickers.

Oprah is fully vaccinated and plans on throwing a big taco party to celebrate. If you’re fully vaccinated and live near Oprah, you’re still not invited.

A 25-year-old caregiver at an assisted living facility accidentally shot a 71-year-old resident in the face with his new Glock handgun. Until further notice, the facility has postponed employee show-&-tell.

Prince Harry will attend the funeral of his grandfather, Prince Philip, but his pregnant wife Meghan Markle was told not to travel by her doctor..and the Queen..and her in-laws…and the general population of England.

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and husband of Queen Elizabeth, died at age 99. Prince Harry & Meghan Markle asked for privacy during this difficult time until they can schedule interviews about it.

Amazon warehouse workers in Bessemer, Alabama appear to have voted not to unionize. To celebrate, billionaire Jeff Bezos will give all the workers new pee bottles, and a pizza party where they’ll be served by the robots that will eventually fire them.

Facebook is testing labels on Pages created by people & organizations. So far, the labels include ‘fan page’, ‘satire page’, & ‘public official’ – but could expand to include ‘abandoned page’, ‘conspiracy kook page’ and ‘page Trump is using to dodge his ban’.

Apple is reportedly delaying some new product introductions because of a supply shortage – specifically, a shortage of teenagers to build them.

Singer Chris Brown’s Porsche was damaged in a chain-reaction collision of valet-parked cars outside of an L.A. club. Brown dismissed the accident, saying “I’ve got ten of these (cars)” before summoning an Uber driver he could punch in the face.

A billboard, ‘Matt Gaetz Wants To Date Your Child’, was put up in Florida – paid for by Matt Gaetz.

Khloe Kardashian, who attempted to get an unauthorized, unretouched bikini photo take off the Internet, posted her own unedited photo to Instagram. “Not bad” said her boyfriend Tristan Thompson, while in bed with some woman he hooked up with.

Gene Suellentrop, a Kansas GOP State Senator, reportedly called the arresting officer ‘donut boy’ when he was pulled over on suspicion of DUI. Suellentrop disputed the claim, saying he was just asking directions to the nearest location of Donut Boy.

Japanese doctors performed the first-ever lung transplant from living donors to a COVID-19 patient. All are in stable condition, but the donors need extra time to catch their breath.

An interstate highway outside Philadelphia was closed when a tractor-trailer crashed, spilling thousands of gallons of syrup. Philadelphia police assisted first responders, then sat on guardrails and ate their shoes.

A man stole a 400-pound playground slide and placed it next to the bunk bed in his child’s bedroom. The man was turned in by several six-year-olds who followed him home, insisting that they never got their turn.

Ex-presidents Obama, Bush, Clinton & Carter joined their wives in a public service announcement promoting the COVID-19 vaccine. Donald & Melania Trump declined, but said they’d do one for penicillin shots.

A Twitch streamer played classic video game Super Mario World using only his voice. He alternates between saying “run”, “jump”, and several swear words.

Scientists want to send 6.7 million sperm samples to the moon. The ones Neil Armstrong & Buzz Aldrin left there have finally run out.

Prince William responded to Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s interview, saying the Royals are very much not a racist family, forgoing the n-word to add “African-Brit please”.

A rare yellow cardinal was spotted in an Illinois backyard. The bird said if they gave him the fruit he asked for instead of sunflower seeds, his jaundice would go away.

Netflix is testing new limits on password sharing. So don’t expect your broke-ass buddies to be all caught up when Stranger Things comes back.

A sixth woman has accused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo of inappropriate touching or sexual harassment. His Italian grandmother is worried he STILL hasn’t found the right girl.

A cruise ship, the MSC Lirica, caught fire in Corfu, Greece, where it was awaiting passengers. None of the 51 crew members were injured, but the buffet menu was changed from offering steamed crab legs to smoked ones.

A worker at the Columbus Zoo was attacked by a cheetah while walking it for exercise. The worker, now released from the hospital, said he’ll be more open to the cheetah’s suggestions to walk faster.

Three professors at the University of South Alabama were suspended after photos showed them posing with a noose, a whip, and wearing a Confederate Army uniform. However, it’s still the only college in the U.S. where you can declare Racism as a major.

Britain’s Royal Family said they are ‘saddened’ by the revelations of mistreatment shared in Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s interview. Nonetheless, they will struggle to carry on by sheer will and with their immense material & monetary fortunes.

Good Morning Britain‘s Piers Morgan stormed off the set and subsequently quit the show after an argument with a co-host about Meghan Markle’s allegations of racism. It was a long walk-off and shortened Piers career.

‘Dog Whisperer’ Cesar Millan offered to work with the Bidens and White House personnel to return their dogs Major & Champ, following a ‘biting incident’ with Major. First Millan has to pass security clearance by having Major sniff his butt.

Miami Heat player Meyers Leonard was placed on indefinite leave for using an anti-Semitic slur during a videogame livestream. A spokesperson for the NBA said it was a nice change of pace to deal with a different kind of racism.

A snake breeder accidentally created a python that appears to have smiley-face emojis on its skin. He sold the snake for $6,000 to someone who would’ve paid $12,000 if they were poop emojis.

Actress Jennifer Garner said on a podcast she’s “proud to look like a woman who’s had three babies”. Meanwhile, ex-husband Ben Affleck said he’s still after the right woman who looks like she hasn’t had any.

The United States will purchase 100 million more doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine, using CVS Extra Care reward bucks they got for the ones they already bought.

Viewers of ‘Jeopardy!’ give guest host Katie Couric mixed reviews on social media, with some criticizing her monotone delivery, others calling her presence comforting, and Matt Lauer saying he doesn’t think he’d have sex with her.

HuffPost employees were given a password spr!ngisH3r3 to enter a virtual meeting, where 47 of them found out they were being terminated. They then received another password urs3v3r3ncep@ckagesux to their virtual exit interview.