Friday Jokes: September 14

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos is contributing $2 Billion to an effort to fight homelessness, because Amazon drones have trouble finding them to deliver the stuff they ordered.

Donald Trump is alleged to have illegally ordered the removal of braille signage from Trump Tower elevators during construction, telling the architect “no blind people” will ever live there.  This explained why Stevie Wonder got lost & never showed up for a private concert at the Trump Tower penthouse years ago.

Trump also faced criticism for retweeting a FEMA link to a Hurricane Florence ‘Rumor Control Page’, set up to minimize misinformation regarding the storm. Trump has wrongly said the Puerto Rico/Hurricane Maria death toll is a lie, and also added a photo to his FEMA retweet claiming to be him big-wave surfing off the North Carolina coast.

Elon Musk’s Space X has reportedly signed up their first civilian passenger for a flight around the moon.  The passenger is allowed one carry-on, will board in Group 4, and has yet to upgrade to a window seat.

Incumbent New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo defeated his Democratic primary challenger, Cynthia Nixon, carrying 65% of votes. Nixon’s team blamed the huge loss on high voter turnout – much like Nixon blamed hatred of ‘Sex and the City’ on the large number of straight men watching it.

Health officials are warning customers of a New Mexico spa to get blood tests, after the spa was found using unsafe hygiene practices while giving so-called “vampire facials”.  Vampire facials involve microinjections of blood plasma, and are not to be confused with the porn parodies of ‘Twilight’.

Paul Manafort entered a plea deal with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team to avoid a second trial. Reports surfaced that the deal includes a cooperation agreement with Mueller’s team, either for testimony or for hooking up his hard-working lawyers with Russian prostitutes.

Kylie Jenner posted an extensive first-person Snapchat story about dealing with bullies, then stepped out in a pair of skin-tight latex pants that had everyone saying “bully for her!”

Consumer Reports issued a list of five ‘top vehicles under $25,000’ for first-time new-car buyers. Topping the list – the Subaru Forrester – praised for its roominess, fuel efficiency, safety, and ability to expand the owner’s social circle to include more gay women.

Julia Mooney, a New Jersey middle-school art teacher, is sending a message about eco-consciousness by wearing the same dress to school for 100 consecutive days. “Miss Mooney — new dress?” said a kid doing a lousy job covering up for skipping the first two weeks of school.

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