Red Lobster will no longer give plastic straws to customers unless they ask. The chain said they want to do what’s right for the environment, and that too many of their less intelligent customers were suffocating trying to suck up shrimp.

Apple announced that its newest update, iOS 12.1, will add 70 new emoji — part of its ongoing mission to allow illiterate people with iPhones the ability to communicate entirely through pictures.

The NFL indefinitely suspended linebacker Mychal Hendricks, who plead guilty to charges of insider trading. No word on plans for an appeal from the NFL Players Association, who called the punishment “the smartest reason ever” for a player missing an NFL game.

Travelers entering New Zealand face a $3,200 fine if they refuse to give border agents the password to their smartphone. So far, a dozen people cooperating with the law have been jailed for having the password ‘F*CKOFF’.

The ‘Sober October’ movement is growing. Retailers are expressing concern that, without the assistance of alcohol to lower inhibitions, Halloween costumes will now have to be sluttier than ever.

Microsoft introduced new $349 Surface Headphones. Microsoft said the headphones will cancel noise, and that Microsoft will cancel support for them when they decide in a year that they don’t want to make headphones anymore.

Amazon announced the Fire Stick TV 4K – its most powerful streaming stick ever. It ships from Amazon in October, and from the guy who hacks it so you can watch bootleg cable in early November.

Sources told TMZ that newlyweds Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber don’t consider themselves truly married because they haven’t yet had a church wedding to have their love witnessed by God. In response, God said there’s no rush, that he’s fine just witnessing them having sex.

68-year-old Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly in a relationship with 21-year-old transgender woman Sophia Hutchins. Jenner offered no comment on the May/December romance, or, more specifically, the May, 1950/December, 1997 romance.

At 2:18p.m. Wednesday, FEMA will test the new Presidential Alert System, with messages sent to billions of Americans’ mobile phones. At 2:19p.m., millions of attractive young women will be asking who sent them a dick pic.