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The Food & Drug Administration is planning to ban the sale of menthol cigarettes, a move that menthol smokers are calling “Not Kool”.

Philadelphia first responders rescued a woman who drove her car off of Freedom Pier into the Delaware River. She was rushed to an area hospital and informed that she failed the parallel parking segment of her driver’s test.

Princess Cruise line’s flagship Ruby Princess vessel is under investigation by the CDC after 37 passengers tested positive for COVID. They were given new COVID tests where a stick is held in front of their mouth as they vomit over the rail with norovirus.

Vladimir Putin accepted an invitation to the G20 Summit in Bali, Indonesia. He requested a block of hotel rooms for himself and fifty food tasters.

James Corden announced he’s leaving CBS’ ‘The Late Late Show’ in 2023, as viewers wonder if he could possibly do it Early Early.

Caitlyn Jenner called women’s collegiate swimming champion Lia Thomas “one of the worst things” to happen to the trans community. Jenner said she spoke from authority, as she is objectively the worst thing to happen to the trans community.

A man participating in research at University of Maryland drank a fecal matter smoothie to give him dystentery. He was paid $7,000 for participating in the study, and $5 to reimburse him for the smoothie he bought at Sonic.

Cancer Council brand sunscreen was recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because it contains benzene, a known carcinogen. Cancer Council executives learned of the recall while they accepted a Truth In Advertising Award.

Measles cases are up 80% globally. Health officials say they’ll continue to promote vaccination to at-risk individuals until they’re red-in-the-face.

A Florida man was arrested after a passenger in his golf cart died after the cart tipped over and he was thrown into traffic. The man failed a field sobriety test and was charged with manslaughter and GCUI.

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Merry Christmas! Thanks for reading and enjoy a peaceful, healthy holiday. CD

Paraplegic GOP Congressman & Trump supporter Madison Cawthorn announced he’s divorcing his wife after just 8 months of marriage. Turns out the only thing close to an erection he can get is an insurrection.

Doctors and nurses are being harassed by unvaccinated COVID-19 patients demanding treatment with animal dewormer ivermectin while hospitalized. Then they’re refusing transfers to the barn where they can get the treatment they want.

Over 2,000 global flights were canceled on Christmas Eve as staff call out sick with COVID-19. Spirit Airlines is able to keep a full schedule, thanks to special Incubator Flights, where all passengers & crew must first test positive for COVID.

Pete Davidson was turned away at a California marijuana dispensary, supposedly for failure to produce proper ID. Luckily about a thousand local freelancers are willing to waive ID requirements.

Comet Leonard, also known as the Christmas Comet, will light up the night sky through the balance of December. “On Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen…On Leonard, Cupid, Donner & Blitzen” said a fat guy.

An 8-foot long acquatic dinosaur fossil found in the Nevada mountains may provide unique insights to evolution. It’s the oldest fossil in Nevada that isn’t standing in line for the buffet at Caesar’s Palace.

Caitlyn Jenner underwent knee replacement surgery, and is now another step closer to being a new woman with every bone in her body.

Alec Baldwin sent out a holiday message thanking those who supported him during the ‘Rust’ tragedy, saying he’d take a bullet for any of them, or maybe not.

Scientists discovered life 200 meters below the ice shelf in Antarctica. “So much for privacy” said the two emperor penguins who’d worked hard to get some alone time.

Tesla Auto announced they’ll no longer provide video games to play on the dashboard console. They made the announcement as the Tesla world record holder in Tetris was scraped out from under a tractor trailer.

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75 NFL players tested positive for COVID-19 in the last two days. Over 100 others submitted COVID self-test swabs covered in ear wax and are believed to have mild-to-severe concussions.

Congress agreed to raise the federal debt limit by $2.5 trillion, with all the representatives & senators splitting the 2.5 trillion spending reward points equally.

A Disney actor playing Cinderella’s Lady Tremaine at Disney World said she, and other English-speaking characters, are only permitted to speak English. If someone asks her a question in Spanish, she replies “beats me..go find the Coco characters”.

New research shows therapods – three-toed, carnivorous dinosaurs – ran as fast as 27 miles per hour when chasing food. Or, even faster if a fresh batch of crab legs was dropped off at the buffet.

Caitlyn Jenner said she won’t return to the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel because they denied her entry for wearing ripped jeans. That, and the ripped jeans showed she hadn’t shaved her legs in a month.

Tenor Andrea Bocelli will perform at a 50-person private New York City event costing $20,000 per ticket. Bocelli is expected to perform ‘Time To Say Goodbye..to $20,000′.

Real Housewives of New York cast member Leah McSweeney said she’s giving vibrators to her girlfriends this Christmas. She says they make the perfect stocking-stuffer or, more likely, cozy-pajama-stuffer.

A family in South Africa had a boomslang, a highly poisonous snake, living in their fully-decorated Christmas tree. A snake handler arrived and took nearly two hours to capture it, mainly because the snake kept asking to have its Christmas Card picture retaken.

New York named Keechant Sewell to be the city’s first black woman Police Commissioner. She’s expected to announce that the 19% of NYPD officers who identify as female can wear dark blue sweatpants.

Sibling vocal trio Girl Named Tom won Season 21 of reality singing competition The Voice. They’ll now join other past champions to compete against being forgotten about in a week.

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Republicans in the House of Representatives removed Wyoming’s Liz Cheney from her position as GOP House Chair in a closed-door vote. Cheney emerged from the meeting, said the vote was a fraud, and once again gained Donald Trump’s support.

Violence continued between Israel and Palestine, with the two factions trading rocket attacks and air strikes. The U.S. is hoping to broker a cease fire so the two sides can have the annual Israeli/Palestinian All-Star Game.

The NFL releases its 2021 schedule tonight. They’re expected to showcase 17 prime-time games featuring Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and special halftime shows featuring Aaron Rodgers pouting in front of a mirror.

Tyson Foods, a leading chicken supplier, claims their current chicken supply shortage is because newer roosters selected for breeding “aren’t meeting expectations”. Tyson hens put it more bluntly, saying “just admit it, they’re gay”.

Los Angeles County records show that Caitlyn Jenner did, indeed, vote in the 2020 election. Jenner has not yet addressed her voting lie, but did release a statement admitting her current shade is not her natural hair color.

General manager Jennifer Lopez confirmed she’s designated Alex Rodriguez for assignment, with the purpose of granting his unconditional release. Lopez also announced designated hitter Ben Affleck has been given a 30-day tryout deal.

Horse trainer Bob Baffert – suspended after Derby winner Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids – admitted the horse was rubbed with ointment containing a banned substance. Baffert’s suspension is upheld, and Medina Spirit was ordered to stop hanging out with Barry Bonds.

Ellen Degeneres will end her daytime talk show after the 2022 season. Ellen informed her staff on May 11th, and promised to make time to belittle each and every one of them before the show ends.

Instagram users can now add pronouns to their profiles. “Is ‘big boobs’ a pronoun?” asked hundreds of influencers.

Frank Sinatra’s home in the California desert is for sale, priced at $4.25 million. It features a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom main house on over 7 acres, with a pool, a guest house, and the unmarked graves of Teamsters leaders who refused to be bought.

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Mattel introduced the Mattel PlayBack program, where you return older Mattel toys so they can be used to make new ones. Mattel is also hiring preteen boys with younger sisters to show them the best ways to melt down recycled Barbies.

Ben Affleck is reportedly dating Jennifer Lopez, proving that Ben Affleck does not disciminate based on age, race or ethnicity.

Helmut Jahn, famed architect of Philadelphia’s One Liberty Place, died in a bicycle crash. His family vows they’ll continue to ride, without Helmut. [Story h/t to T.M.!]

Caitlyn Jenner said she didn’t vote in the 2020 election, saying it usually takes her about 60 years to pick a side.

To protest the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s lack of diversity and alleged ethics violations, Tom Cruise returned both of his Golden Globes awards – but only after he had enslaved members of the Sea Org polish them up first.

Jeff Bezos bought a 417-foot superyacht, so big it has its own ‘support yacht’ with a helipad. The best part is he can write off the $500 million cost, since he’ll use it to make Amazon Prime deliveries to sailors on aircraft carriers.

Comedian John Mulaney is divorcing his wife of 6 years after completing his stint in rehab. Mulaney returned to stand-up last night. The VIP post-show meet-and-greet cost $49, or free for women holding coke.

American Airlines angered flight attendants with a memo telling them to skip meals to arrive at their gate earlier, to improve American’s terrible on-time metrics. Similarly, Spirit Airlines told flight attendants to save time by skipping showers and only washing their uniform overalls once a month.

McDonald’s is partnering with the White House to promote COVID-19 vaccine information on its coffee cups. The White House believes it will work, because McDonald’s cups have successfully convinced people to get coffee somewhere else.

Doctors in India are telling people to stop rubbing themselves with cow dung & urine to prevent COVID-19. They say there is no evidence that it works, although they admit it is helping with social distancing.

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Protesters object to a planned wind turbine farm off the coast of Atlantic City. They say the turbines will harm ocean life; proponents claim that wind power will somehow create even more blow jobs for Atlantic City.

A sixth grader completed a science fair project called “Does your cat’s butthole really touch all the surfaces in your house?” by applying lipstick to two cats’ rectums and tracking them. The kid got an ‘A’, but his mom’s goodnight kiss with her date was a disappointment.

The City of Philadelphia lifted some restrictions on outdoor dining and other activities, giving gangs even more stuff to shoot at.

To battle diseases, Florida will release over 100,000 genetically-engineered non-biting male mosquitoes, so they’ll mate with biting females, with female offspring unable to survive. They’ll measure success by observing mosquito gender-reveal parties.

Meat processing brand Farmer John no longer makes Dodger Dogs, the official hot dog of the Los Angeles Dodgers. The team now sells ‘Traditional Dodger Dogs’, and every vendor and concession stand lost a Michelin star.

Boeing posted their sixth consecutive quarterly loss, telling angry shareholders that profits are dropping faster than a 737MAX.

Caitlyn Jenner’s sons are reportedly unhappy about her announced run for Governor of California. Jenner said she didn’t plan to run for Governor, but did so because her original plan to retire & get pregnant didn’t work out.

NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter snapped a photo of the Perseverance rover while it flew on Mars. Then Perseverance made it go back and take three more and pick a flattering filter.

Pfizer’s CEO says an antiviral pill to treat COVID-19 could be available by the end of the year. They just need to figure out how patients on ventilators can swallow it.

Kanye West told the New York Post’s Page Six that, after his divorce from Kim Kardashian, he wants his next relationship to be with “an artist and a creative person”. So, not just any stripper.

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Lena Dunham launched her new line of plus-size clothing. Sales projections are modest, since plus-sized women say one of their goals is to not look like Lena Dunham.

A woman received the first-ever trachea transplant. Her boyfriend is relieved they could repair the damage.

Trading card maker Topps is going public; each new share of common stock comes with a tooth-shattering stick of bubble gum.

Delaware County, Pennsylvania police are looking for whoever stole a historic beaver statue from a hiking trail. They’re also looking for someone impersonating a park ranger stopping hikers and questioning them about their beaver.

Chrysler is the highest-ranked American auto brand in Consumer Reports annual ratings of domestic & foreign autos, finishing third-from-the-bottom.

Caitlyn Jenner is considering a run for California governor as a Republican, but is worried that winning would mean banning herself from public restrooms.

Embattled GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz reportedly asked Donald Trump for a blanket pardon. Trump agreed, then reneged after Gaetz forgot to introduce Trump to his 17-year-old girlfriend.

A family is suing the Fresno Grizzlies baseball team after a man choked to death in a taco-eating contest at a game, saying they failed to warn him of the risks of competitive eating. The winner of the contest also sued, saying they failed to warn him of the E.coli risk from Chipotle tacos.

Starbucks is conducting a trial program where you pay $1 extra to have your drink served in a reusable cup. Dunkin’ is trialing a program where you pay $1 extra to have your coffee served in a cup with directions to the nearest emergency room printed on it.

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A former New York restaurant hostess said in a TikTok video that Kylie Jenner left a $20 tip on a $500 dinner bill. Reached for comment, Kylie said it was because she was out of $1s and $5s .

Taco Bell is reportedly planning a massive overhaul of its menu, but assures customers that whatever they serve will still result in a massive overhaul to their bathroom.

Three teenagers fishing off the coast of Maine took nearly 7 hours to haul in a 700-pound bluefin tuna. They started a GoFundMe to raise money for enough firecrackers to blow it up.

A California teen is credited with inventing ‘Talking Masks’ – masks with a clear panel so deaf people can read their lips, and also tell them they have spinach in their teeth.

Nick Cannon apologized for anti-Semitic remarks he made on a podcast, and was subsequently confirmed to be keeping his job as host of The Masked Singer – which will be renamed The Masked Singers Who Probably Aren’t Jewish.

British Airways announced they’re retiring their entire fleet of Boeing 747s, but will allow pilots and flight attendants the opportunity to have one final shag in the first-class loo.

Smugglers attempted to ship cocaine from Colombia to Italy in coffee beans that had been sliced open and resealed. Italian cops arrested the man who picked up the package, then had the best goddamned coffee break ever.

Following a night of wild partying, recording artist Megan Thee Stallion was taken to a hospital with gunshot wounds in her foot. Doctors say she’s lucky the bullets didn’t break her leg, because they’d have to put Stallion down.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick have ended their two-year relationship, which ran out of gas.

Kanye West is reportedly still forging ahead with his presidential run, and Caitlyn Jenner wants to be his running mate. Jenner would become the first vice-president to declare their pronouns.

 

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A Chicago woman in her 20s received a rare double-lung transplant after recovering from COVID-19. “What a set of lungs!” said men looking at her, for a different reason than usual.

A couple in Thailand was sentenced to 723 years in prison for pulling a scam on customers of their seafood restaurant. The scam was opening a Long John Silver’s.

A new book claims Melania Trump renegotiated her prenuptial agreement as a condition of moving to the White House. The contract’s White House Amendment was added just below the Banging Porn Stars Amendment.

Pro golfers gathered in Fort Worth, Texas for the Charles Schwab Challenge, as the PGA Tour resumed inaction.

Fox News evening host Sean Hannity is reportedly dating Fox & Friends morning host Ainsley Earhardt. Hannity would not confirm, saying “I do not discuss my personal life in public … only crazy conspiracy theories and bigotry.”

Seattle protestors took over several Capitol Hill city blocks to create a police-free Autonomous Zone. It has a smoking area, a medic station, several shrines to victims of police violence, and six Starbucks.

Kelly Clarkson filed for divorce from husband Brandon Blackstock. She changed the title of her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone’ to ‘Now That U Gone’.

Wayne Brady’s Instagram post – a Whose Line Is It Anyway? improv sketch about racism -has gone viral, marking the first time millions of people willingly watched improv.

Google’s video-calling app, Google Meet, rolled out noise cancellation to minimize background annoyances like dogs barking and keyboard clicks. Though some users claim noise cancellation results in their bosses’ ideas going silent.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner celebrated the five-year anniversary of their parent Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transition, which they commemorated with a platinum Life Alert bracelet.

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A command for iPhones “Siri I’m getting pulled over” reportedly video records police and texts a contact to let them know what’s happening. Siri then gives tips on where to hide your drugs and directions for the upcoming high-speed chase.

Referees in Monday’s Steelers/Dolphins game took ten minutes to review a coaches challenge of an apparent first down. They said it took so long because as they reviewed video, they switched channels to see who was eliminated on Dancing With The Stars.

O.J. Simpson said the 2-5 Cleveland Browns should hire University of Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh to replace their current head coach Freddie Kitchens after they stab Kitchens to death.

Politicians criticized the Washington crowd at the World Series for booing and chanting “lock him up” at President Trump. A fan etiquette expert from Philadelphia said the proper behavior was to throw batteries or, if seated close enough to the President, vomit on him.

KMart in Australia pulled a children’s ‘Bride’ Halloween costume from its shelves after protests from parents. They say the costumes will either be destroyed, or shipped to Mississippi at the request of multiple wedding planners.

Actor/wrestler John Cena said that his dating philosophy isn’t ‘gender specific’ – that he’s willing to date both women and girls.

Caitlyn Jenner turned 70, but says she feels like a five-year-old woman.

Apple released iOS 13.2, including 398 new emoji, making it even easier for you to give up looking for the one you want.

Juul is eliminating 500 jobs. Impacted employees waiting to hear about their severance packages are being told “vape ’em if you got ’em.”

Director Olivia Wilde criticized Delta Airlines for showing an in-flight version of her film ‘Booksmart’ that edited out girls kissing and the word lesbian. A Delta spokesperson said the move was to distract people from the rest of the awful Delta inflight experience.