Thursday Jokes: October 4

A 27-year-old Florida woman, Katherine Nieves Tavarez, was arrested for stabbing her live-in boyfriend, Amaury Vazquez Carerro, after Carrero repeatedly refused to have sex with her. “No means no!” said Carrero, which is particularly hard to do with a knife stuck in your face.

  • Asked why she stabbed her boyfriend, Tavarez said she really likes foreplay.

The FBI has reportedly completed their background investigation on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. The contents remain secret, but allegedly contain damning evidence of lost deposits on kegs and taps to multiple beer distributors in Virginia and Connecticut.

The son of convicted felon and former rap mogul Suge Knight, Suge Knight Jr., said that Tupac Shakur is alive and living in Malaysia. The younger Knight offered as proof photos of Knight posing with 50 Cent and Beyoncé. Fans and social media followers remain unconvinced, and have raised a $1 million reward to whoever can post video of Tupac ‘flossing’.

Duchess Meghan Markle said that she needs to put on a baseball cap to disguise herself before grocery shopping. “Why are you wearing a baseball cap?” asked the maid as Meghan hands her the grocery list.

The Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers announced a new wireless network standard, WiFi 6. It’s an even faster, steadier wifi stream that you can steal from the dope next door who doesn’t use a password.

A new laundry-cleaning startup, VClean, placed 200 of its vending machines in parking garages adjacent to London Underground stations. So far, the company is pleased with the response, except for all of the homeless people they’ve had to pull out of the machines.

ZipRecruiter raised $156 million in new funding. The platform, which matches job seekers with employers, claims it frees up time of human resources professionals to focus on what they do best – organizing employee cake parties, shopping, and handing out termination notices.

A black grandmother and two little girls campaigning for Texas Senate Candidate Beto O’Rourke were accosted by a white racist, who told them to “go back where they came from.” O’Rourke’s opponent, incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz, hasn’t officially commented, but said if the racist made fun of his wife’s looks, he could speak at a Cruz rally.

According to the Wall St Journal, Vice President Mike Pence will make a formal ‘rebuke’ of China, claiming that China is working to remove President Trump.  Meaning, if he’s right, a majority of 2016 U.S. voters have something in common with China.

Heart rate data from a 67-year-old San Jose woman’s Fitbit is being used to charge her 90-year-old stepfather with murder. According to the Fitbit, the woman’s heart rate reportedly spiked, then dropped to zero during the man’s visit. Later, the Fitbit told her she was getting the best sleep ever.

  • “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that meddling fitness tracker!” the man said as he was led away in handcuffs.

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