Monday Jokes: October 29

AT&T claims that it’s made a world’s-first 5G connection, which it used to tell recipients their rates are going up on account of their awesome 5G connection.

Cesar Sayoc, suspect in a plot to mail pipe bombs to critics of President Trump, is a former collegiate soccer player, body builder and male dancer.  Pipe Bomber was also his stripper name.

A Sun Country Airlines pilot was arrested and accused of bringing a gun to his flight from a Florida airport. The pilot made no commentary, but his attorney said that you’d understand if you saw the people who fly on Sun Country Airlines.

Humanetics, a designer & maker of automobile crash test dummies, said that they’re making larger dummies because Americans are getting bigger. They’re also trying to make the dummies more accurate by teaching them how to text.

  • Humanetics is the second-largest maker of fat motionless dummies, trailing only Fox News.

E! Network plastic-surgery-correction show ‘Botched’ returns for a fifth season. The newest episode features Pixee Fox, a woman who says she’s had 200 surgeries, including designing some of her own, such as transplanting pubic hair to her eyebrows, and the surgical removal of crab lice from her eyebrows.

American Airlines passenger & fashion designer Anna Knight claims her checked bag was returned with all of her belongings stolen and replaced with ‘airport equipment’. And by ‘airport equipment’ she meant stuff that baggage handlers stole from other luggage that they didn’t want.

The Simpsons is reportedly dropping the Apu character altogether, disappointing those who were hoping he’d .. come again!

NBC News announced that Megyn Kelly Today will not return in the 9a.m. time slot, and that Kelly’s spot will be taken by other Today anchors. Insiders say that Kelly would like to return to her old job at Fox News, but Fox execs say they’re happy with the team of racists that already work there.

In an effort to win back users, Snapchat will debut a longform sci-fi thriller story told in a series of texts. The thriller is called ‘Dark Matter’ and is said to focus on faceless images of big black body parts that disappear.

Hershey introduced ‘Hot Cocoa Kisses’, its first holiday-only Hershey Kisses flavor in ten years. Hershey said they’re excited to ring in the season with a new way to drive winter weight gain and type 2 diabetes.

McRib is back for a limited time at McDonald’s restaurants, according to a new Surgeon General’s warning.

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