Tuesday Jokes: October 30

An Alabama woman dressing for Halloween required emergency surgery to remove the $3 vampire teeth that became stuck in her mouth. The dentist said the woman’s surgery was difficult because she’s one of the few people in Alabama with real teeth for the fake ones to stick to.

The NFL Cleveland Browns fired coach Hue Jackson, just days after the NBA Cleveland Cavaliers fired their coach Ty Lue. “Goodnight Lue. Goodnight Hue..”

A couple on a Carnival Cruise alerted the crew to the presence of a camera recording activity in their cabin. After inspecting the camera, a crewman asked if they’d like to switch rooms with a much better looking couple.

Off the coast of Monterey, California, the world’s largest deep-sea octopus nursery was discovered, with over 1,000 female octopuses struggling to get all eight of their newborns’ legs in their onesies.

A same-sex married female couple are the first to carry the same baby in each of their bodies. Bliss Coulter started by carrying the baby until eggs fertilized in her body, then the embryos were transferred to her wife, Ashleigh, who later delivered the baby. Other lesbians have viewed their DIY YouTube video over a million times.

The New England Patriots were expected to discipline wide receiver Josh Gordon for lateness by benching him for the first quarter of their game in Buffalo against the Bills. They decided to start Gordon anyway, and punish him by leaving him in Buffalo for an extra day.

HYLA Mobile, a smartphone trade-in company, reports that Americans are waiting longer than ever – an average of 2.8 years – to upgrade their phone. The study excludes owners who buy the insurance and spike their phone on the sidewalk once they’re sick of it.

Reese’s will put out a vending machine in NYC that lets trick-or-treaters deposit unwanted treats to trade for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. No word on whether the machine accepts drugs and needles.

A school bus driver in Texas was arrested for attempting to drive through a barricade and into raging floodwaters with a student riding on the bus…and three more students water-skiing behind it.

Four shots were fired into a Republican Party office in Florida, which is how Republicans had asked to be notified that their pizza arrived.

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