Friday Jokes: October 26

The search continues for the person or persons sending explosive packages to Democrats and critics of President Trump. The word ‘Florida’ is misspelled in the return address, narrowing the list of suspects to all current & former Florida public school students.

  • UPDATE: A Florida man has been identified as the suspect and is being detained by police in a local sinkhole.

Paul Dorr, director of a pro-life, pro-family group in Iowa, publicly shared a video burning four library books with pro-LGBTQ messages. Dorr may face legal action, but in the meantime has been banned from story hour.

A 68-year-old New Jersey man was arrested for a 10-month spree dropping piles of dirty diapers at intersections in Franklin Township.  The slippery diapers were blamed for at least one motorcycle accident, and ruining the shoes of the marching band in the July 4th parade.

NBC News anchor and Today Show host Megyn Kelly is rumored to be negotiating her exit from the network, disappointing white suburban moms hoping for last-minute tips dressing their kids as Beyonce or Jay-Z for Halloween.

A Florida prison guard and his wife were arrested for accepting bribes in exchange for smuggling McDonald’s food, chicken wings and a cell phone to an inmate. The two were arrested after the inmate downloaded Uber Eats and attempted to have 10 Big Mac value meals delivered to his cell.

The NFL fired down judge Hugo Cruz for missing a false start call that led to a Los Angeles Chargers touchdown in a game he was officiating. The NFL Referees Association said they’ve filed a grievance on a yellow handkerchief tossed into Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office.

A New York Times article addresses the departures of two top Google executives — Andy Rubin & Amit Singhal — each of whom were paid millions after acts of sexual misconduct. Google is concerned that other executives are asking ‘who do I need to sexually abuse to get an eight-figure severance around here?’

McLaren showed off a 1,035-horsepower, three-seat hybrid supercar costing over $2 million. McLaren said the low emission hybrid drivetrain is meant to save trees while you drive the overpowering car into them.

Snapchat is losing users in the wake of a redesign and competition from Instagram. Snapchat announced daily active users dropped 1%, to 186 million — but investors were more concerned that power users posted 5% fewer pics of their breasts and penises.

Ayal Lanternari has a hit new product – Nanobebe, a baby bottle that spreads milk into a thin layer so that it can be microwaved without hot spots or nutrient damage. The bottle is also shaped like a breast, making it extremely popular with nursing children and grownup creeps.

 

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