Wednesday Jokes: November 14

China has instituted a ban on tiger and rhino parts in medicine. China will still sell Tiger Balm because it contains no animal parts; however, the Chinese government has issued a nationwide recall of Vicks Rhino Rub.

A five-year-old boy was “heartbroken” when Johannesburg airport security confiscated a stuffed toy snake that he had received from his grandmother. He was heartbroken that grandma wasn’t going to give him the ten grand she promised for delivering the stuffed snake to her contact at the child’s destination.

Melania Trump publicly called for the dismissal of Mira Ricardel, deputy national security adviser. Ricardel reportedly clashed with Mrs. Trump’s security team, and also showed up to a Be Best luncheon wearing the exact same dress & shoes as the First Lady.

Juul agreed to stop selling flavored vape pods in stores and to cease all social media promotion of their nicotine-laced e-cigarettes. The FDA asked Juul to limit access of its product to minors to make it easier for young people to find and use Marlboros.

Scientists in Europe are contemplating a new way to measure a kilogram — moving away from utilization of Le Grand K, a physical sample kilogram that could lose mass as it ages — and toward a new way, just letting coke dealers say how heavy it ought to be.

Donald Trump and his legal team are reportedly meeting this week to give written answers to questions submitted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “What’d you get for number one?” asked Trump to everyone several seconds after the meetings started.

A Texas woman who traveled to Mexico to save money on plastic surgery for her nose suffered a cardiac arrest while under anesthesia and is now on life support.  According to her family, the nose job didn’t turn out so great, either.

A man has been banned from all Disney theme park properties for holding up a sign reading ‘Trump 2020’ while riding Splash Mountain at Disney World. Disney officials said the guy could still visit A Small World and the Hall of Presidents, but he figured he might as well just be banned.

Netflix is testing cheaper, mobile-only plans for subscribers who prefer binge-watching on their phones in work meetings.

Guy Fieri cooked dinner for first responders of California’s massive Camp Fire wildfire, but their collective efforts couldn’t stop the destruction of almost all the homes in Flavortown.

 

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