Thursday Jokes: November 15

Matthew Caskey, a UPS driver in Louisville, Kentucky, was charged with DUI and reckless driving after a middle school employee reported him to police. Caskey told cops he’d drank a half-pint of whiskey; in doing so, he answered the question “What can brown liquor do for you?”

The NFL game between the Los Angeles Rams and Kansas City Chiefs has been moved to Los Angeles from its original location at Estadio Azteca in Mexico City. League officials said the turf field was unfit based on overuse, muddy conditions, and unevenness from all of El Chapo’s drug tunnels beneath it.

Facebook said that ‘free speech and privacy’ will inform any return of the platform to China. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked a Chinese official awaiting his sack of money.

Fox News is supporting CNN in its lawsuit against the White House to reinstate press access for CNN’s Jim Acosta. Fox News expressed concern that, if reporters are denied White House access, they may never see what Christmas decorations Melania picks.

In Santa Ana, California, a woman entered a McDonald’s via an employee-only back door, and choked a worker in a fight after asking for ketchup. It’s unclear if the woman was upset over not getting ketchup, or getting regular instead of Fancy Ketchup.

In rural Kentucky, a dead-heat city council election was to be decided by a coin toss — just as soon as they could find some MILLIONAIRE in rural Kentucky who has coin-flippin’ money just lyin’ around.

Oprah Winfrey released her annual “Oprah’s Favorite Things” list. You can find everything on it yourself, except for Black Governors of Southern U.S. States.

State officials are concerned that California energy utility PG&E may be at fault for one or more of the devastating wildfires in the state. Evidence is mounting, including the company’s decision to change its name to Pacific Gas Electric & Fire.

President Trump claimed in an interview with The Daily Caller that Florida Democrats were voting, then putting on disguises and voting again. Without citing evidence, he added that polling places were handing out I Voted stickers and funny nose glasses.

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer has come out as gay. He waited over 25 years to announce it publicly, but said his original plan was to come out once he knew he didn’t have any more road games in Philadelphia.

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