Monday Jokes: November 19

A man who sat next to an obese passenger on a British Airways flight from Bangkok to London is suing the airline, saying that pressure from the seat neighbor caused him pelvic injury and back spasms. The obese man is not identified by name in the complaint, only as ‘Most of Row K’.

According to the Institute for Health Metrics at the University of Washington, deaths attributable to alcohol are rising. From 2007 to 2017, alcohol-related deaths were up 27 percent; and of those, 67 percent were women. Most of their deaths occurred on Winesday. 

Officials in Geneva, Switzerland are refusing to address nuisance and noise complaints from neighbors of a brothel in the town center. They defended the brothel, saying it “fulfills a social need” — adding there was no way they were going to shut it down before their annual Christmas party. 

President Trump visited the scenes of wildfires in California. Trump said that it was “one of the worst fires he’d ever seen, in terms of burning.”

A reward is being offered for information about a dolphin that washed up on a Los Angeles area beach, dead from a gunshot wound. No suspects have been named, although Coast Guard police are interviewing several members of the Dolphin Crips. 

Taco Bell is actively recruiting franchisees in order to meet its goal of opening 2,000 new restaurants by 2023. Prospective owners should have between a half-million and two million dollars in financing, and an extremely low conscience when it comes to inflicting pain upon others. 

Two professional dart players accused each other of farting on stage during the Grand Slam of Darts in England, where Gary Anderson beat Wesley Harms 10-2.  Harms said that Anderson’s farting was awful smelling, and that his dart tosses were disturbed by turbulence. [h/t to LH!]

Retired Dallas Cowboys player Ed ‘Too Tall’ Jones commented on the pending gay marriage of former teammate Jeff Rohrer. Jones said if he were asked for a list of five people in the history of the NFL who were gay, Rohrer wouldn’t be on it. Five other teammates are furious for being on the list. 

CEO Jim Brett is leaving J. Crew after less than two years on the job, citing disagreements with the Board of Directors. Like their repeatedly asking him “is that what you’re telling people to wear?”

Apple is reportedly cutting back on factory orders of their newest iPhones. CEO Tim Cook fired back, saying that demand is steady, but assembly workers require longer after-school naps in winter. 

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