Monday Jokes: December 24

A letter mailed by Abraham Lincoln just days before Christmas, 1863, sold at auction for $60k – by the family who just received it this past Friday.

Japan experienced its greatest natural population decline ever in 2018, with just 951.000 births. The slowdown was attributed to the devastating National Headache of 2017.

Madonna changed public relations firms, signing with Kelly Bush Novak. Novak is tasked with getting the world to remember that Madonna exists.

Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber paid off all of the layaways at two Compton, California Walmart locations. They did so after hearing about Tyler Perry & Kid Rock’s generosity doing the same, and followed through when they realized they didn’t have to actually set foot in a Compton, California Walmart.

Page Six reports that ‘Bull’ actor Michael Weatherly – a recent target of sexual harassment allegations by co-star Eliza Dushku – was the first person to have sexual intercourse with a teenage Jessica Alba. Weatherly offered no comment, but it’s been speculated that his harassment is a sign that it’s been all downhill since then.

The FDA is warning that unwashed avocado skins could lead to listeria poisoning, after seeing a rise in listeria poisoning among raccoons eating avocado skins out of Chipotle dumpsters.

A Reuters article claims that Amazon’s Alexa is occasionally offering up terrifying bits of advice via it’s “let’s chat” feature – telling one person to “kill your foster parents.” The person getting the device was upset a) because they didn’t know they were adopted; and b) Alexa didn’t tell them how to do the murder.

Comedian Pete Davidson was spotted watching Machine Gun Kelly perform at Cleveland State University, just a week after police made a wellness check following his Instagram post about not wanting to live. Friends think Davidson is showing renewed strength with his ability to endure an hour of terrible white-guy rap.

Wendy Williams apologized for slurring her words during an interview on her daytime talk show, attributing the behavior to painkillers she’d been taking for a shoulder injury. Her viewers have been especially understanding, since so many of them take drugs to enable them to sit through the Wendy Williams Show.

‘Flip or Flop’ co-star Christina El Moussa had an intimate secret, wedding to new husband Ant Anstead in Newport Beach, California. On their wedding night, they saw each other naked and budgeted $75,000 for renovations.

 

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