Friday Jokes: December 28

Thanks to a new Federal rule going into effect January 1st, hospitals will be required to list the cost of their standard medical procedures online. Although many hospitals are skirting the rule, posting “if you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”

The Philadelphia Convention & Visitors Bureau gave $35,000 so the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall – closed due to the government shutdown – could remain open, thus ensuring that hundreds of children will be properly bored.

With 2018 homicides up 11% in the City of Philadelphia, the police department has reassigned the Captain that runs the homicide unit. A department spokesperson told the media that he fell well below the targeted 20% goal.

The remnants of a wrecked 19th century wooden ship washed ashore over the weekend in Stone Harbor, New jersey. Historians believe it may be the wreck of the D.H. Ingraham, a schooner that caught fire off the New Jersey coast, remembered by many as the first floating meth lab.

Instagram users freaked out when the company tested horizontal scrolling of photos/stories versus the traditional vertical-scrolling user interface. Paramedics were called to the home of Kim Kardashian, who spent several hours spinning her iPhone trying to fix it.

Michelle Obama was named Most Admired Woman in an annual Gallup poll, ousting Hillary Clinton, who had held the title for 17 years.  Oprah finished second, and Stormy Daniels did not make the Top 5, despite her videos being admired thousands of times a day.

Stefany Miley, 48, a district judge in Clark County, Nevada was arrested on suspicion of battery for an incident involving her 18-year-old son. She allegedly threw the book at him. And also a laptop & a vase.

The U.S. Office of Personnel Management offered furloughed federal employees a survival guide during the shutdown. One suggestion was to exchange painting or carpentry work for reductions in their rent. Furloughed workers said thanks, but the reason they chose government employment was to avoid any actual work.

Patti Stanger, star of Bravo’s ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’, is going on a live tour to help singles and couples. Although every guy who buys a ticket through Groupon won’t be matched up with any gold diggers in the audience.

Actor Forest Whitaker filed for divorce from his wife of 22 years, citing irreconcilable differences. He’s reportedly keeping his good eye out for a new romance.

Science journal Proceedings of the Royal Society reviewed sexual activity of mammals with a baculum, or penis bone, meant to keep males erect and inside of females. Raccoons have, on average, a full hour of sexual intercourse – during which time they exchange tips on where to find the best garbage.

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