Texas Senator and Harvard-educated numbskull Ted Cruz suggested that the Southern Border wall be paid for by convicted drug trafficker Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Through his attorneys, El Chapo said he’ll think about it, but he’s really more of a tunnel guy.
Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are denying a viral rumor that they ‘recycle’ uneaten pizza, and are secretly happy that no one is asking about the chicken nuggets.
Jerry Stritzke, the CEO of outdoor gear retailer REI, is resigning after the disclosure of a ‘personal, consensual’ relationship that fellow executives deemed a conflict of interest. Stritzke regrets failing to inform the board that he was making out with a guy named Eddie Bauer.
Fitness model Michelle Lewin posted a photo on Instagram of a feral pig biting her buttocks during a photo shoot in the Bahamas. The pig seen in the photo is female, so there goes that myth about men.
NCAA sack leader Jaylon Ferguson of Louisiana Tech has reportedly been uninvited from the NFL Combine because of a simple battery conviction during his freshman year. Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded all NFL prospects how important it is to wait until you make an NFL team before you start beating people up.
A vape pen stored in an overhead bin caught fire during boarding of a Delta flight. The fire was extinguished and passengers were switched to a different jet. “My bad” said the 12-year-old owner of the vape pen, who then bought a new one in the terminal.
Nintendo announced Tetris 99, a battle-royale version of Tetris where 99 people play simultaneously against one another while they goof off at work.
Oklahoma approved a bill allowing adults over 21 to own & carry handguns without a permit. The bill includes funding for additional lanes on interstate highways to be designated for road rage firefights.
The Masked Singer revealed its latest mystery participant Wednesday night. After a performance of Elle King’s ‘Ex’s & Oh’s’ the Alien lifted their mask and was revealed as La Toya Jackson. The judges then promptly asked her to put the mask back on.
In a scathing ’60 Minutes’ interview, former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe said that if President Trump was ‘on the box at Quantico, he would break the machine’. By ‘the box’, McCabe was referring to either a polygraph, or a scale that measures body fat.