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A Tennessee Air National Guardsman was arrested after applying online to be a contract killer for $5,000. Worse, the hiring manager informed him they were focusing on more qualified candidates but would keep his resume on file.

An artificial intelligence program profiled on 60 Minutes allegedly taught itself a foreign language it didn’t know. It was then offered a scholarship to tutor the entire Ohio State football team.

The United States now averages 1.5 mass shootings per day. The number is expected to rise as more people use their tax refunds on AR-15s.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee deleted a post sharing commentary from network OAN questioning the behavior of the trans community. Then Lee posted an apology, said he’s not transphobic, and called himself the “gayest motherf**er around”. That post was then deleted after Lee was challenged by Boy George.

Sega is acquiring the maker of Angry Birds, for $775 million, because nobody told them they could just download it for free.

Phantom Of The Opera closed on Broadway after 35 years and 13,981 shows – entertaining over 6 million women, gay men, and straight husbands wondering how many Yankees games they could have seen instead for the ticket price.

SpaceX cited technical issues in postponing the launch of its most powerful rocket, Starship. Elon Musk said once they’re fixed, “nothing’s gonna stop us now”.

A new study finds women still do more domestic chores than men in households where they earn more money. When men try to step it up by doing the cooking, the women end up spending more time taking kids to the doctor or restaurants.

Senator John Fetterman returned to on-site work in Washington, DC following hospitalization for depression. Meanwhile, 89-year-old Senator Dianne Feinstein told colleagues she plans to return in time for President Obama’s lighting of the White House Christmas Tree.

The mother of a teen YouTube star is being sued for physical and emotional abuse of young content creators, including sending her daughter’s underwear to an unknown man. The plaintiffs claim the shipments to Japan have cost them thousands.

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79-year-old Joe Biden told 60 Minutes that the pandemic is over, referring to COVID-19 and his childhood battle with the black plague.

A Utah polygamist sect is accused of unpaid labor, sex abuse, human trafficking and not letting anyone drink caffeinated coffee.

Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest after a brief 14-hour funeral ceremony.

Nissan recalled 200,000 pickup trucks because of a rollaway risk while in ‘Park’ – delighting owners who now have a great excuse for not helping their friends move.

Donald Trump said that the FBI agents who “ransacked” his Mar-a-Lago home didn’t even remove their shoes before searching his bedroom – unlike the Secret Service agents who enter the bedroom to ‘protect’ Melania.

Queen Elizabeth’s scone recipe is going viral following her death, and following the choking deaths of dozens of people eating them.

Two tickets to Michael Jordan’s first Chicago Bulls NBA game in 1984 are expected to sell at auction for over $300,000. Or, with Ticketmaster fees, about $600,000.

Brett Favre is implicated in a scheme to use Mississippi state welfare funds to build a new volleyball stadium at his daughter’s college. He faces home imprisonment where he’ll be monitored via Copper Fit ankle bracelet.

Denver’s airport has the world’s largest animal therapy program, with dozens of dogs walking throughout the airport where anxious travelers can pet them. Philadelphia’s airport has the largest animal employment program, where gorillas take their time handling checked bags.

An Arizona milkshake shop broke a world record by creating 266 different flavors in over an hour. They were then given a terrible Yelp review by a 75-year-old customer waiting an hour to get the vanilla shake they ordered.

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A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.

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Former CBS News anchor Connie Chung commented on Donald Trump’s conflict with Lesley Stahl during their ’60 Minutes’ interview – then returned to her lab to process paternity tests for husband Maury Povich.

Facebook is launching a cloud gaming service, but only for Windows and Android devices because Apple won’t allow it – unless, of course, Facebook releases Apple’s favorite game, Pay Up Or Else.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson cut open his face while throwing 50-pound metal chains at the gym. The wound required several stitches from a doctor stunned to see blood from a Rock.

Phil Collins’ attorneys sent a cease-and-desist letter to Donald Trump, demanding that he stop playing ‘In The Air Tonight‘ at his rallies – but that Trump could still use ‘Against All Odds‘ if he wants.

A new study finds diet sodas increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, especially new Coke Zero Heart Rate.

NASA said they discovered traces of water on the Moon. They had planned a new mission to inspect it, until they found Neil Armstrong’s Dixie cups discarded next to it.

Unnamed Fox News anchors are in quarantine after being exposed to a COVID-19 positive individual on a private plane. Fox News said they’re shocked it’s only a few employees, since all of them are required to kiss Donald Trump’s ass.

Experts say school ventilation systems should be capable of filtering and changing out the air in classrooms 3 times an hour. However, to ensure safe breathing, that should increase to 6 times during the pandemic, and Taco Tuesday.

Bud Light Hard Seltzer released three new Holiday flavors: Ginger Snap, Peppermint Pattie and Apple Crisp. They’re being sold in a 12-can Ugly Sweater Pack, which is how your sweater will look after you vomit the new flavors on to it.

A California mailman encountered a man who had cut his arm with a chain saw and bleeding profusely. The mailman quickly used his belt as a tourniquet, but delivered it to the wrong arm.

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Penn State University researchers say mouthwashes and oral rinses kill coronavirus. They studied several hundred Penn State freshman & sophomore dorm residents who really needed to wash their mouths out for some reason.

Netflix canceled Hillary Swank astronaut drama Away after one season. They’re considering merging it with another Netflix series recently cancelled after one season to make Teenage Bounty Hunters In Outer Space.

Melania Trump cancelled a planned appearance at her husband’s rally in Erie, Pennsylvania, citing a nagging cough, and also citing the rally being in Erie, Pennsylvania.

USA Today gave its first-ever presidential candidate endorsement to Joe Biden, although most people didn’t see it because they only read the red and purple sections.

As expected the Department of Justice filed antitrust charges against Google. Google denied monopoly power of its search technology, saying if people wanted to, they could use Bing. Then they ended the Zoom meeting and laughed for 20 minutes.

Ford unveiled a new self=driving vehicle it hopes to launch in 2022. It starts by memorizing familiar routes for Ford vehicles, like the way to the repair shop.

Donald Trump abruptly ended what was to have been a longer interview with 60 Minutes Lesley Stahl after 45 minutes, then did not return. Stahl said she regretted scheduling the interview when The Bachelorette was on.

California set a timetable for large theme parks like Disneyland to reopen at partial capacity – now it’s a race against time for princesses to fit into their dresses.

An estimated 67,000 felons residing in Florida are currently registered to vote – 67,003 if you count the guys currently robbing the bank across from a polling place.

A Texas woman died on a plane of COVID-19. Several Spirit Airlines passengers also died of unknown causes, which a spokesperson for Spirit Airlines called “a Tuesday”.

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Texas Senator and Harvard-educated numbskull Ted Cruz suggested that the Southern Border wall be paid for by convicted drug trafficker Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Through his attorneys, El Chapo said he’ll think about it, but he’s really more of a tunnel guy.

Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are denying a viral rumor that they ‘recycle’ uneaten pizza, and are secretly happy that no one is asking about the chicken nuggets.

Jerry Stritzke, the CEO of outdoor gear retailer REI, is resigning after the disclosure of a ‘personal, consensual’ relationship that fellow executives deemed a conflict of interest. Stritzke regrets failing to inform the board that he was making out with a guy named Eddie Bauer.

Fitness model Michelle Lewin posted a photo on Instagram of a feral pig biting her buttocks during a photo shoot in the Bahamas. The pig seen in the photo is female, so there goes that myth about men.

NCAA sack leader Jaylon Ferguson of Louisiana Tech has reportedly been uninvited from the NFL Combine because of a simple battery conviction during his freshman year. Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded all NFL prospects how important it is to wait until you make an NFL team before you start beating people up.

A vape pen stored in an overhead bin caught fire during boarding of a Delta flight. The fire was extinguished and passengers were switched to a different jet. “My bad” said the 12-year-old owner of the vape pen, who then bought a new one in the terminal.

Nintendo announced Tetris 99, a battle-royale version of Tetris where 99 people play simultaneously against one another while they goof off at work.

Oklahoma approved a bill allowing adults over 21 to own & carry handguns without a permit. The bill includes funding for additional lanes on interstate highways to be designated for road rage firefights.

The Masked Singer revealed its latest mystery participant Wednesday night. After a performance of Elle King’s ‘Ex’s & Oh’s’ the Alien lifted their mask and was revealed as La Toya Jackson. The judges then promptly asked her to put the mask back on.

In a scathing ’60 Minutes’ interview, former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe said that if President Trump was ‘on the box at Quantico, he would break the machine’. By ‘the box’, McCabe was referring to either a polygraph, or a scale that measures body fat.

 

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Two female bachelorettes competing on Asian tv show ‘Bachelor: Vietnam’ have reportedly dropped out of the competition so that they could have a romantic relationship with each other. This confused The Bachelor, who thought he was going to be part of the show’s first threesome.

A class action suit being brought by Asian-Americans is alleging racial bias in Harvard University’s student admissions process. “See, I knew it was fixed!” said an Asian kid with an 1100 combined SAT score in his dorm at Arizona State.

Apple acquired music analytics firm Asaii, which claims that its algorithms filter social media and streaming music to predict which unsigned artists will become “the next Justin Bieber.” So far, Asaii has found zero Justin Biebers and millions of Annoying Friends asking you to come watch them sing Taylor Swift covers at open mic.

Apple released a series of Apple Watch ‘how to’ videos over the weekend. They include “How to start a workout”; “How to use Emergency SOS”; and “How to corner your friends and coworkers into asking about your new Apple Watch.”

President Trump was interviewed on 60 Minutes and said that he treated alleged sexual assault victim Christine Blasey Ford with respect, adding that it doesn’t matter because “we won”. It was unclear in Trump’s mind whether “we” referred to conservatives, or men who get away with sexual assault.

Scientists at Caltech and University of Quebec have developed the world’s fastest camera, capable of capturing 10 trillion frames per second. The camera can capture the progress of a beam of light in slow motion, but the scientists’ dads still managed to take out-of-focus photos of their own necks pointing it the wrong way.

In a posthumously published book, physicist Stephen Hawking warns the unchecked growth of artificial intelligence could wipe out humanity. Hawking warns humans will need to build safeguards to slow down super robots, such as coding kill switches or making the robots want to eat at Chipotle.

Sears declared bankruptcy after being unable to make a $134 million debt payment that was due on Monday. Sears tried to raise the cash by returning truckloads of Craftsman tools and Toughskins jeans to Amazon, but they were only offered store credit.

Sony PlayStation 4 owners are reportedly seeing their consoles seize up and crash due to a malicious message. The message is from the gamers’ moms saying if they don’t get jobs, they’re smashing the PlayStation.

A new viral Facebook hoax has emerged, this one warning of the dangers of cloned accounts. Facebook says safeguards are in place to prevent cloning, but that users whose friends have a cloned account may enjoy the ability to unfriend them twice.

 

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Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen denied that the United States has a policy of separating children of illegal immigrants from their parents at the U.S. border. Rather, she said the problem was gathering up all of the 5-and-under Mexican runaways.

Disney issued a warning to moviegoers, saying that certain sequences of flashing lights in Incredibles 2 could trigger seizures. Theaters now ask that the audience silence their cell phones and epileptic family members.

The Veterans Administration is under fire for hiding poor quality ratings of its nursing homes. The ratings scale runs from ‘Acceptable’ to ‘Someone From 60 Minutes Is Asking To Visit.’

Giant hogweed, an invasive plant with sap that can cause burns and blindness, has been found growing in eastern Virginia. Officials say the plant should be destroyed with herbicides or other non-contact methods, unless you really dislike your husband and want to send him out there to rip it out bare-handed.

Apple is updating iPhone software so users’ precise location will be shared in the event they dial 911. They are hoping this will allow law enforcement to more quickly locate the hundreds of female Uber customers each day who take a ride with a creep.

A 23-year-old man has been accused of making fraudulent returns to over 1,000 Walmart locations, by returning computers after removing parts from them. Employees became suspicious because they don’t see many customers who know how to use a computer.

The World Health Organization has officially classified ‘gaming disorder’ as a mental health condition, likening it to substance abuse and gambling addiction. They clarify that ‘gaming disorder’ is not to be confused with the more common affliction where people just suck at video games.

A brain-eating amoeba was found in the drinking water of a town in southern Louisiana. Asked what it was doing there, the mayor joked “starving”.

High winds at a Denver, Colorado park sent portable toilets flying in the air. No one was injured, and officials assured families at the park that the winds were coming from outside the toilets.

Delaware wants to have parents issue consent before their child’s gender identity can be recognized at school. Children were sent home with forms for parents to check ‘male’; ‘female’; ‘fluid’; ‘trans’; and ‘I Don’t Know’.

 

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After Congress passed an anti-online sex trafficking bill, Craigslist shut down its Personals ads. Craigslist advised site visitors who still want to pay for sex to start browsing “Yard Sales”.

A woman angry over being bumped from an overbooked United Airlines flight was stunned to receive a $10,000 flight credit voucher. Asked by reporters why the woman was removed, a United spokesperson said they needed the space for dog coffins.

A Colorado district is transitioning to a four-day Tuesday-through-Friday school week. Mondays can now be freely used by students to score weed.

Playboy model Karen McDougal, in an interview with Anderson Cooper, apologized to Melania Trump for the sexual affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump. “No problem, you did ME the favor” replied Melania in a hand-written note with a Neiman Marcus gift card.

NASCAR postponed its race in Martinsville, Virginia on Sunday due to snow.  NASCAR fans were reluctant to leave, with most thinking they walked into a Coors Light ad.

Stormy Daniels’ interview with Anderson Cooper aired on 60 Minutes on Sunday, driving the show to its highest ratings in 10 years. CBS responded with a preview of next week’s feature: ‘Jenna Jameson Does Syria’.

Facebook Founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg took out full-page newspaper ads to apologize for Facebook’s role in the Cambridge Analytica scandal, leading to a flood of calls by grandparents asking their kids and grandkids what Facebook and Cambridge Analytica are.

Amid speculation that he can’t find lawyers to aid his defense in the Russia investigation, President Trump tweeted that “many lawyers” want to join his team, all of whom have promised a “free consultation” and a history of winning “huge cash settlements”.

The day after the multi-city “March for our Lives”, Pope Francis used his Palm Sunday sermon to tell young people to ‘cry out’ to demand change. Except for young victims of Catholic priest sex abuse, who he told to ‘just be cool and deposit the check.’

Financial and industry analysts are speculating that Apple is working on a foldable iPhone, as Apple focuses on finding new ways to help iPhone users break their screens.

A 90-year-old Fremont, California man fell in a well and had to tread water for two hours waiting to be rescued. He was hospitalized with hypothermia and lacerations, and did not get his wish.

 

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KFC temporarily closed hundreds of restaurants in the United Kingdom because they’ve run out of chicken. The closures have resulted in an unexpected surge in U.K. gun sales to nervous cats, small dogs and large rodents.

Switzerland banned boiling live lobsters, but also passed legislation legalizing assisted shellfish suicide.

  • Going forward, seafood restaurants will be required to offer Lobster Hospice.

ABC Networks recently revealed that it tests contestants on ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ for sexually transmitted diseases; this, after penicillin and Valtrex pills kept falling out of the roses.

President Trump took to Twitter to criticize Oprah Winfrey’s interviews with Michigan voters that aired on ’60 Minutes’, meaning efforts by Trump aides to distract him with with the NBA Mascot Slam Dunk Competition were unsuccessful.

Google claims its artificial intelligence can predict heart disease or stroke by looking at a person’s retinal images. The technology seeks out specific patterns in retinal vessels, and reflections of Hooters waitresses.

Marvel’s “Black Panther” brought in $192 million during its three-day North American debut, shattering records for ticket sales and audience comments directed at the screen.

A family of 23 people was removed from the Carnival Legend after inciting repeated brawls during the ship’s cruise of the Australian coast. Other passengers who say their trips were ruined by the fighting were insulted by Carnival’s conciliatory offer of 25% off a future cruise. Carnival then countered by upping the offer to include a kangaroo bodyguard.

Aleksandr Krushelnitckii, Russian bronze medalist in mixed doubles curling, is under suspicion of doping after his first sample tested positive for meldonium. Krushelnitckii defended himself, saying the performance-enhancing drugs were for sex with his hot wife & Internet sensation Anastasia Bryzgalova, since curling requires no athletic talent.

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting a “First Lady style” welcome when she visits Pyeongchang for the Olympics — meaning, a bed three rooms away from her husband’s in a room that locks from the inside.

French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis left the ice in tears after her halter top became unhooked during her program, exposing the bottom of her breast. Papadakis and partner Guillaume Cizeron received a combined score of 81.93, which was weighed down by an individual score of ‘Take It All Off’ from a since-removed U.S.A. judge.