Thursday Jokes: February 21

An 18-year-old woman with no idea she was pregnant awoke from a coma to learn she’d given birth. The attending physician was relieved to know it wasn’t his fault that she didn’t push when asked.

Kim Kardashian is angry that a vintage Thierry Mugler gown she wore earlier this week was being copied by cheap knockoff factories. “I can no longer sit silent” she wrote. “We know” said everyone who’s heard chairs creak under her ass.

Two NYC women are starting a concierge service, ‘Onward’ to help people move on from breakups. They’ll pick up boxes from an ex’s apartment, arrange for counseling if needed, and help you find out if it was really them, not you.

DNA ‘hits’ from people taking genealogy tests to research their family history have resulted in three more cold-case murder arrests this week alone. It’s become so common, one company is considering a name change to 23andMeandYourFugitiveMurdererUncle.

A political action committee is launching an aggressive targeting strategy to get more scientists elected to public office in 2020. The PAC is called ‘314 Action’ — a name they switched to after STEM scientists were insulted by its original name ‘Dorks for Congress’.

Samsung announced its first foldable smartphone, the Galaxy Fold. Pricing starts at $1,980. It can be used folded with a 4.6 inch screen, or opened with a 7.3 inch tablet screen. Power users say the high price is worth it to see selfies of their penis grow to over 7 inches.

Celebrity attorney Mark Geragos has joined Todd Pugh and Victor Henderson on the legal team of ‘Empire’ actor Jussie Smollett.  Smollett’s real legal team is now bigger than his possibly-made-up assault team.

The Nike shoe worn by Duke freshman Zion Williamson broke open during last night’s game against North Carolina, causing Williamson a mild knee sprain. Nike said they’re working to identify the issue, but in the meantime are marketing the $200 Zion I, a basketball shoe that converts to a rubber sandal.

President Trump tweeted that he wants the U.S. to have 5G, and even 6G, technology as soon as possible, thinking it will improve his ability to find lost golf balls.

Founder Elon Musk predicted self-driving Tesla cars would be available by the end of the year, if regulators allowed it. Musk gave the update while announcing a preemptive victims relief fund for pedestrians mowed down by self-driving Teslas.

 

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