Monday Jokes: April 15

Today is Tax Day, the last day to submit your federal, state & local income tax returns. It combines the one thing Americans aren’t very good at – math – with the other thing they are very good at — lying.

Tiger Woods won The Masters on Sunday, his first major championship win in 10 years – capping off a remarkable recovery from a near-career-ending bout with sex addiction.

The White House is evaluating transporting illegal immigrants to so-called sanctuary cities throughout the country. The policy projects to be a huge win for the owners of Megabus and the owners of children who didn’t think they could afford a nanny.

A Scandinavian Airlines flight landed 65 miles away from its target destination because of a GPS error. It turns out the pilot set Google Maps for ‘walking’ directions by mistake.

A 29-year-old man crashed his car, stripped naked, then went into a Palmdale, California McDonald’s and stabbed an 88-year-old man eating with his grandson before being shot dead by a security guard. “Some Happy Meal” said the grandson.

  • Patrons were shaken by the incident, and just as shaken to learn that McDonald’s has armed security guards.

A 21-year-old construction worker in India survived after a length of cast iron ‘rebar’ pierced both sides of his skull. Surgeons removed the bar without inflicting damage, after deciding against pouring concrete around it and leaving it there.

Lucasfilm CEO Kathleen Kennedy said that, after the release of ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ in December, there will be a break in release of Star Wars films. She’s meeting with ‘Game of Thrones’ creators David Benioff & D.B. Weiss to shape the next decade of stories, which will apparently have lots more nudity and bloody death.

The Coast Guard evacuated a 71-year-old woman a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after she showed heart attack symptoms. She was removed along with three family members, but medics refused her request to bring a to-go box from the seafood buffet.

Samantha Cerio, the Auburn University gymnast who dislocated both knees in a tumbling routine shared millions of times in a viral video, said she hopes to walk down the aisle at her summer wedding. Her fiancee said so long as she scores a 9.0 or higher on the walk, he’ll go through with it.

The Department of Justice will release the complete report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller on Thursday. Democrats are hoping to schedule a crucifixion on Friday.

 

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