Tuesday Jokes: April 23

“Nobody disobeys my orders.” said President Trump, unironically, as the Easter Bunny showed up a day late for a children’s egg-rolling party Monday at the White House.

The TSA is being criticized for airport scanners giving ‘false positive’ responses to black women’s hair, forcing TSA agents to perform hand searches of afros, braids & twists. Separately, Homeland Security has stepped up efforts to thwart explosive devices packed with Jheri Curl activator.

An East St. Louis police officer pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was late for a job interview at FedEx. Instead of issuing tickets, the officer gave him a ride to his interview. The young man got the job, and the cop agreed to meet him later to beat him.

CNN aired a five-hour Democratic Presidential Candidate Town Hall session featuring five candidates: Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders & Pete Buttigieg. The town hall was filled up with the remaining dozens of Democratic presidential candidates.

A USA Today investigation revealed multiple patients died at discount plastic surgery clinics in Florida operated by convicted felons. Worse, the failed Brazilian Butt Lifts they received required them to get taller caskets.

Disneyland is limiting opening day visits to the new Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge exhibits to four hours —  unless, of course, you Force them to let you stay longer.

300 teens were involved in a massive brawl at the Camp Snoopy section at Worlds Of Fun theme park in Kansas City, Missouri. Police officers were unable to make arrests until the dust settled once a fist-swinging Pigpen was handcuffed.

You’ll be able to return Amazon packages to any Kohl’s store starting in July. For the next two months, experienced Amazon workers will be training Kohl’s employees how to deactivate their large intestine and urinate in bottles.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft claim Florida police have already leaked the video of Kraft receiving sex acts at a massage parlor, adding that Robert Kraft Leaks is also the title of the video.

A 1,500-year-old chunk of fossilized human poop unearthed in Texas contains evidence that a hunter-gatherer consumed an entire rattlesnake, fangs included. Next to it, they found a note chiseled on a rock suggesting they try something different for dinner tomorrow.

 

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