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A Japanese company sent an orange-sized sphere into space, capable of transforming to a tiny lunar rover once it reaches the moon. Only they had to send a follow-up rocket because the batteries weren’t included.

Comedian Dave Chappelle brought out Elon Musk as a surprise guest at a show in San Francisco, where Musk spotted several Twitter employees in the audience and dragged them back to the office to work overnight.

Senator Bernie Sanders accused newly-independent Senator Kyrsten Sinema of sabotaging Democrat-sponsored legislation, and because she’s bisexual, of bringing plus-2s to the Senate Christmas party.

Crews in Philadelphia removed a box which had covered a statue of Christopher Columbus that the City wanted removed, but which stayed due to a judge’s ruling. When they removed the box, they discovered statues of corpses of indigenous people that Columbus murdered.

Britney Griner dunked a basketball for the first time since returning to the U.S. after her release from a Russian prison. She hasn’t decided if she’ll return to the WNBA, since she doesn’t know when she’ll be ready to play in front of two dozen people.

A new study finds every hour small children spend playing video games or watching videos increases the likelihood that they’ll develop obsessive compulsive disorder, and the likelihood that they’ll be nearly unbeatable in Fortnite.

Data collected between 2008 and 2019 show more U.S. adults combined alcohol use with marijuana use as states legalized pot, in what behavioral scientists now refer to as A Bitchin’ Double-Buzz.

A New Hampshire man died falling off the summit of Mt. Willard while taking photos with his wife during a hike. The wife requests privacy during this difficult time of deciding which pic to send to Shutterfly for the Xmas card.

Former Navy SEAL Chris Beck, who transitioned to Kristin Beck 10 years ago, announced that he’s detransitioning. He warned of the dangers of transgender health services on children, and of the difficulty getting fair value for Lane Bryant gift cards he no longer needs.

Following a blowout loss to the San Francisco 49ers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady was heard angrily saying “f##k that” – causing 49ers cheerleaders to line up until they were told he was talking about the game.

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Verizon is launching a new tool to remotely troubleshoot technical issues in your home without a service technican visit. They’re calling it The Phone.

Amazon hired 100,000 new workers in the last four weeks and are planning to add another 75,000 to replace three-quarters of the first 100,000 that died of exhaustion.

Wildfires have engulfed the area surrounding Chernobyl, threatening extinction to the area’s indigenous two-headed animals.

George Stephanopolous has been diagnosed with COVID-19, or Stephanopoloronaviralous.

NFL staffs will have a practice draft this week in preparation for next week’s official online NFL Draft. They’ll utilize Microsoft Teams; they’d planned to use Zoom but Brett Favre kept crashing the meetings to show his penis.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden for President, saying he places his full support behind the guy with whom he shares about one thing in common, sort of.

Deadly tornadoes devastated areas throughout the South and East. Donald Trump plans to tour the area via a GoPro drone with a MAGA cap on it.

Burger King is offering free Whoppers to students who solve a daily math problem. Then, it’s up to their parents to solve the weight gain and blood pressure problems.

Australia has its first ‘stool bank’, where people can get $25 donating healthy stool samples used in transplants to correct digestive disorders. Donors are given a battery of tests, frustrating the efforts of enterprising dogs looking to get Snausage money.

Police in Indonesia’s central Java province employ residents dressed in white sheets as ghosts – ‘pochong’ – to spook people into staying home at night during the coronavirus outbreak. Then they spend the day spooking workers into extending their shifts at the Nike factory.

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Amazon updated Ring doorbell software so you can request that video not be shared with police departments. You can also refuse a request from neighborhood punks for video of you stomping out a flaming bag of dog poop with your new wingtips.

Golf Monthly released its list of Best Drivers for 2020. Categories include Distance, Game Improvement, and Easiest To Snap Over Your Thigh.

An elementary school fundraiser had to pay $250 of their proceeds to Disney because they collected donations before playing a DVD of The Lion King. The money was collected by a leather-jacketed Mickey Mouse holding a 3rd grader against a brick wall.

The Presidential Medal of Freedom was given to Rush Limbaugh, who announced he has advanced lung cancer, which means Trump will be able to take his medal back pretty soon.

“Yes, I’ll continue to hold” said Bernie Sanders after 30 straight hours on hold with the Iowa Democratic Party I/T Help Desk.

A man dragging 99 smartphones in a red toy wagon tricked Google Maps into thinking he was creating huge traffic jams. He also created several road rage fistfights among Big Wheel-driving toddlers while he blocked the sidewalk.

A cannabis company co-founded by Whoopi Goldberg, which marketed medical marijuana to women dealing with menstrual pain, is shutting down. She’s starting a new medical marijuana company for women dealing with menopausal boredom.

Google will sell its augmented reality headset, Google Glass Enterprise Edition 2 for $999. However, it comes with a warning to cash-rich nerds that you still won’t be able to see through women’s clothing.

To replace a young boy’s teddy bear lost on a flight over the Thanksgiving holiday, Southwest Airlines replaced it with a new teddy bear dressed like a Southwest employee. The bear tells lousy jokes, gets union-mandated breaks every two hours, and tells the boy he needs to lose weight if he wants to fly Southwest again.

The mother of a six-year-old daughter named Alexa wrote a letter to Jeff Bezos, saying her child’s life has been ruined by jokes about the digital assistant. Bezos responded with a recommendation that the woman start calling her kid something different, like Toots.

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China is accusing the United States of spreading fear about the Wuhan coronavirus. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he cured it.

A newly discovered cannabis compound has been shown to be 30 times more potent than THC, the psychoactive agent in marijuana. It was discovered when a lab technician smoked Snoop Dogg’s hair.

A new video showed that Beyonce and Jay-Z sat through Demi Lovato’s performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. The couple said that’s because somebody usually does a rendition just for them in their luxury box.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. Chiefs coach Andy Reid addressed the media, saying “I’ve gotta do a better job…that one’s on me and my staff” before being reminded that he won.

Google Photos is testing an $8/month subscription service where they send you prints of randomly selected photos. You also have the option of selecting categories like “pets”, “landscapes”, or “the neighbor’s bedroom window”.

Stephen King announced he’s leaving Facebook. It only took him 450 pages.

Six passengers were shot early Monday morning on a Greyhound bus headed from Los Angeles to San Francisco, effectively ending the sing-a-long.

Bernie Sanders said, if elected, he’ll legalize marijuana in all 50 states on Day 1 of his presidency, to the delight of people too baked to bother voting.

Website TheDailyMeal rated Duff’s of Buffalo the best chicken wings in the United States. A spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings responded to the article, saying “we’re sorry your tester got so sick.”

Drug kingpin El Chapo’s daughter, Alejandrina, married Edgar Cazares in Mexico. The bride wore a white lace dress, a tiara, and a four-kilo dowry in her bra.

 

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Parents of Philadelphia grade schoolers are concerned about sending their kids back to schools where asbestos has been removed. They worry about further respiratory damage, because most of them already smoke.

Cheetos said the official name for orange cheese dust on fingers is “Cheetle” – as opposed to the orange cheese dust that accumulates in your digestive tract, which is called “colon cancer”.

Following Iran’s admission that they shot down a Ukrainian passenger jet, two anchors on the Iranian state TV news quit. They’re now searching for replacements to lead daylight prayers on ‘Good Morning Tehran’.

Mötley Crüe guitarist Mick Mars responded to rumors that he won’t be able to join the band’s summer stadium tour because he’s on his death bed. Mars replied “it’s really more of a death recliner.”

The feud between Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren continues to escalate ahead of the Democratic debate in Iowa. Supporters are hoping they can resolve their differences at a 5:30a.m. breakfast of Cream of Wheat and hot tea.

Japan’s upcoming Super Nintendo World theme park is reportedly one of the most technologically advanced attractions ever. Parents of misbehaving children can drop them in green warp pipes, where they’ll be whisked away to a time-out room to study for college entrance exams.

Airbus’ Beluga XL, one of the largest commercial transport jets ever, made its first operational flight. It’s capable of carrying the equivalent of seven full-size African elephants – as evidenced by the family of elephants who flew in it from Nairobi to Disney World.

The oldest material on Earth has been found in a meteorite, breaking the previous record for oldest material on Earth, found in a Larry the Cable Guy standup show.

The U.S. Homeland Security issued a powerful warning, telling users to upgrade their VPNs to patch vulnerability to hackers. They also warn corporate IT Help Desks to expect a huge cyberattack from employees simultaneously asking what a VPN is.

An archivist at the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh was arrested for selling some of the library’s most valuable treasures. He sold rare books and maps to a local collector, and the key to the men’s room to a homeless drug addict.

 

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Ten Philadelphia Police Academy recruits resigned after officials found they planned to cheat on an exam. Philly cops were happy with their decision, saying that, lacking proper training, the rookies wouldn’t know how to properly split bribes.

Knoxville police arrested Dorrae Johnson for DUI and found a dead man’s torso in the car. Johnson hit the deceased, split him in two, and left half the body at the scene. He was charged with homicide and using the carpool lane with less than two whole occupants.

7-Eleven is offering delivery of its most popular items. Store owners will now go to your house to be robbed.

Over twenty Hollywood stars presented a 10-act staging of the Mueller report Monday evening. Said the playwright, “There are no small parts, just some obstructions of justice smaller than others.”

Bernie Sanders announced a plan to retire all $1.5 trillion of outstanding student debt. He was immediately presented with an invoice for $1 billion from the bursar’s office of Trump University.

Eldorado Resorts will acquire Caesars Entertainment Corporation for $8.58 billion. They’re good for it..they just need a little more time to come up with the money.

A new app, Bye Bye Camera, removes all people from the photos. Instead of selfies, it takes nobodies.

At a Buffalo Wild Wings near Los Angeles, a live rat fell from the ceiling on to a customer’s table. The restaurant was shut down as the manager determines how the rat got from the fryer to the ceiling.

Walmart is using artificial intelligence to reduce theft at its self checkout kiosks. In addition to “scan your next item” and “place the item in the bagging area”, the kiosks also say “freeze dirtbag you’re under arrest”.

Five men are dead after a golf course argument in California erupted in gunfire. Police are examining shell casings and scorecards to see how many shots it took them to finish five holes.

 

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A U.S. doctor said he used his Apple Watch to detect a deadly heart condition. The watch determined he was lifting a Double Whopper at Burger King.

The FDA approved Vyleesi, a drug to stimulate women’s sexual desire, administered via self-injection to the thigh or abdomen. However, women are advised against telling their partner they’re ready for sex because they just stabbed themselves in the stomach.

A French golfer was disqualified from a tournament because he ran out of balls on the 16th hole. The French golfer contended it wasn’t disqualification, it was surrender.

A University of California – Irvine study claims ocean bacteria colonize your body after 10 minutes of swimming. Bacteria at the Jersey Shore colonized swimmers’ bodies and made them smell like Polo and Drakkar Noir.

The Centers for Disease Control claims 1 in 4 Americans suffer from arthritis. They actually believe the number is even higher, because arthritic shoulders keep some from raising their hands to be counted.

‘Love & Hip Hop’ star Teairra Mari was arrested for DUI after driving her car through the Queens-Midtown Tunnel with only three wheels. She’s scheduled to appear in court, and then in an upcoming episode of ‘Pimp My Four-Door Tricycle’.

Senator Bernie Sanders is proposing the elimination of all $1.6 trillion in student debt by taxing Wall Street institutions. “Cool!” said a master’s degree holder in art history during their break at an Amazon warehouse.

Half of the global Internet was down as of 7a.m. Monday morning. If you’re reading this, nevermind.

Manhattan Cryobank – a New York City sperm bank – is facing multiple lawsuits from buyers who claim they were sold sperm carrying genetic diseases. They’re seeking financial damages, and have refused Manhattan Cryobank’s offer of store credit.

In Spain, citizens celebrated El Colacho, where men dress as devils and hurdle over newborn babies to drive away evil. Only thin, athletic “devils” are used for obvious reasons.

 

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A new Gallup poll reveals 25% of Americans have “major money worries”, with a majority expressing regret for the day their “major money worries” were born.

Researchers studying sparrows and finches say they line nests with cigarette butts to ward off parasitic mites, but they also have difficulty flying long distances on account of smoking all those Marlboros.

Tom Rice, 97, a U.S. paratrooper who survived D-Day, relived it 75 years later by skydiving to the same spot. Everything went great until he landed and chased sunbathers on Normandy Beach with a bayonet.

Actress Marcia Cross says that her anal cancer is linked to her husband’s throat cancer, and nobody wants to hear more details.

Apple is launching a menstrual period tracking app to advise women when their period starts. Husbands and boyfriends of women with PMS can use it to avoid them.

Google is enhancing SOS Alerts – its warning feature for those in the path of natural disasters – with ‘visualizations’ of floods, hurricanes & earthquakes. “Look kids!..here’s what’s going to level our house!” said a Dad gathering kids around his phone.

Amazon claims that, within months, it could have drones delivering packages under five pounds up to 15 miles, thanks to guidance they’ve received consulting with drug dealers.

GM plans to offer airless, puncture-proof tires on new vehicles, starting with the 2024 Chevy Big Wheel.

Walmart is swapping out its workers’ blue vests – introducing grey vests with neon accents, which they say will make it easier for customers to locate sleeping employees.

Bernie Sanders introduced a shareholder resolution to put hourly workers on the Walmart Board of Directors. The move was defeated, with many hourly workers voting against it thinking they’d get a sore ass sitting on a board.

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Attorney Michael Avenatti is charged with defrauding client Stormy Daniels. Daniels is alleged to have lost her shirt. And underwear.

President Trump cut short a meeting with Congressional Democrats regarding infrastructure spending, saying he can’t work with them unless they stop their legal investigations. Both sides look forward to the much-needed 18-month-or-more break from seeing each other.

A violent tornado tore through Missouri, injuring at least 20 people. If any injuries resulted in the end of a pregnancy, lawmakers will have the tornado arrested as part of the state’s tough new anti-abortion legislation.

A 102-year-old woman is accused of murdering her 92-year-old neighbor in a French nursing home by strangulation and blows to the head. Investigators call the crime especially heinous since it took her 9 hours to finish. [story h/t to DG]

The NFL announced it’s reducing the number of commercial breaks in the Super Bowl from five per quarter to four, making it 20% more expensive for Bud Light to tell everyone about whatever new crap they’re pushing next February.

Bernie Sanders told McDonald’s workers protesting low pay and sexual harassment that if they vote for him, they’ll get a $15/hour minimum wage and the right to unionize. He also told them he’d like a couple more honey mustard sauce packets for his McNuggets.

Viral video shows a robot dog – HyQMini, built by the Italian Institute of Technology – pulling a 3-ton passenger jet in an amazing feat of technological strength. Researchers then checked the robot dog on to a United Airlines flight, where it promptly died.

Google is updating Google Assistant with more public transit information. Google Assistant can now tell you when your next New York City Subway train is arriving, and panhandlers can now harass you via Google Instant Messenger until you get of rid of them via Google Pay.

A huge amount of water ice has been spotted on Mars, the first sign that the red planet was once inhabited by ancient Philadelphia dirtbags.

Maelyn Jarmon was crowned champion of The Voice, joining others who have won it and gone on to become household names, like…

 

 

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“Nobody disobeys my orders.” said President Trump, unironically, as the Easter Bunny showed up a day late for a children’s egg-rolling party Monday at the White House.

The TSA is being criticized for airport scanners giving ‘false positive’ responses to black women’s hair, forcing TSA agents to perform hand searches of afros, braids & twists. Separately, Homeland Security has stepped up efforts to thwart explosive devices packed with Jheri Curl activator.

An East St. Louis police officer pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was late for a job interview at FedEx. Instead of issuing tickets, the officer gave him a ride to his interview. The young man got the job, and the cop agreed to meet him later to beat him.

CNN aired a five-hour Democratic Presidential Candidate Town Hall session featuring five candidates: Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders & Pete Buttigieg. The town hall was filled up with the remaining dozens of Democratic presidential candidates.

A USA Today investigation revealed multiple patients died at discount plastic surgery clinics in Florida operated by convicted felons. Worse, the failed Brazilian Butt Lifts they received required them to get taller caskets.

Disneyland is limiting opening day visits to the new Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge exhibits to four hours —  unless, of course, you Force them to let you stay longer.

300 teens were involved in a massive brawl at the Camp Snoopy section at Worlds Of Fun theme park in Kansas City, Missouri. Police officers were unable to make arrests until the dust settled once a fist-swinging Pigpen was handcuffed.

You’ll be able to return Amazon packages to any Kohl’s store starting in July. For the next two months, experienced Amazon workers will be training Kohl’s employees how to deactivate their large intestine and urinate in bottles.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft claim Florida police have already leaked the video of Kraft receiving sex acts at a massage parlor, adding that Robert Kraft Leaks is also the title of the video.

A 1,500-year-old chunk of fossilized human poop unearthed in Texas contains evidence that a hunter-gatherer consumed an entire rattlesnake, fangs included. Next to it, they found a note chiseled on a rock suggesting they try something different for dinner tomorrow.