Monday Jokes: April 22

Washington state could become the first state in the U.S. to allow human composting. It’s unclear how many people will do it, since the procedure costs $5,500 –  in addition to an arm and a leg.

A 2-year-old will undergo STD testing after finding, and playing with, a used condom in the dining area of a McDonald’s restaurant in Australia. Health officials are also examining the purple semen found inside the condom.

A consumer advocacy group is suing the Department of Agriculture for continuing to certify chicken for human consumption that contains fecal bacteria. “And not just at Chipotle” said the lawsuit.

Botswana unveiled a large, near-flawless 20.46 carat blue diamond to rival the legendary Hope Diamond in size and purity. Botswana officials thanked diamond miners for their blood, sweat, more blood, and …well, mostly blood fighting to bring the diamond out.

Kim Kardashian said she would never bribe elite colleges to accept her children, when the kids could just advance their careers with a homemade porno movie.

A new study out of Britain finds that dog ownership is good for fitness, with dog owners more likely to get the recommended amount of exercise. The study also finds that dog ownership is risky for neighborhood friendships, since you’re more likely to wave at people with a bag of poop in your hands.

President Trump tweeted condolences for the victims of terror bombings in Sri Lanka, claiming that “138 million” people died. Trump later said he confused the number of Sri Lankans who died with the number of Americans citing his presidency wishing they were dead.

Following his team’s elimination in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, Winnipeg Jets captain Blake Wheeler told a reporter asking what went wrong to “f**k off”. Wheeler also added “please”, in keeping with Canadians’ reputation for common courtesy.

Uber & Lyft are implementing new features in response to public outcry over rideshare safety. In addition to verifying the driver & vehicle, riders will be notified via the respective apps when drivers plan to commit a crime.

Senator Elizabeth Warren is proposing the cancellation of $640 billion in student debt. The $640 billion is the combined historic revenue of Devry, ITT Tech, Strayer & University of Phoenix.



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