Friday Jokes: May 24th

A Washington state man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles with a gun hidden in his pants. Police told him he had the right to remain silent, because they were afraid of what he had hidden in his mouth. [story h/t to J.O.]

Cable giant Comcast is developing an in-home device that monitors health and provides help when it detects users having a serious medical episode. By ‘help’, it means allowing you to pay your final bill with voice commands before you die.

Sylvester Stallone kept the two pet turtles – ‘Cuff’ and ‘Link’ – from the original Rocky film in the mid-70s, and reports that they’re each alive and 44 years old. Like Stallone, they’ve each been married and divorced several times.

Brian Hickerson, boyfriend of actress Hayden Panetierre, has been hit with a restraining order following a domestic violence arrest. He’s been ordered to stay 100 yards away, but was given a telescope so he can see the 4-foot-11-inch actress from a distance to make sure he’s complying.

Students from the University of Southern California’s Rocket Propulsion Lab are the first in-school team to send a rocket outside of Earth’s atmosphere. Hollywood celebrities took note and are paying six figures to get their kids on USC’s Rocket Team.

Paramount Pictures pushed back the release of Sonic the Hedgehog three months, to February 14, 2020. The added time is needed to update Sonic visual effects, and for a marketing campaign touting it as the Perfect Valentine’s Day Breakup Movie.

Retired NFL QB Donovan McNabb told TMZ he believes he should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, since he has better career numbers than Dallas Cowboys’ HOF QB Troy Aikman. McNabb concedes that Aikman has more Super Bowl rings, but he out-vomited Aikman in Super Bowls.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are reportedly attempting to trademark the name of their newest child, Psalm. If successful, churches will no longer be able to refer to Psalms by name, instead calling them ‘good ol’ catchy prayers from the back of the Bible’.

Simon Cowell said he’s lost twenty pounds on a vegan diet. He says he feels great and is still a huge dick.

Amazon is now offering free tours of its Fulfillment Centers, so visitors as young as 6 years old can learn how corporate slavery works.

 

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