Thursday Jokes: May 30th

Guy Fieri received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He was nominated by Anyone Who’s Ever Been Famous And Didn’t Get Their Star Yet So Now They Can Demand One.

Uber says they’ll kick riders off of the ride-hailing app if their ratings from drivers become too low. This is known internally as the ‘Three Strikes’ Puke Policy.

Walmart hired Suresh Kumar to be their new Chief Technology Officer.  Kumar said  Walmart’s biggest technology challenge is from customers and employees swiping tech from the electronics department.

Twelve dead dolphins have washed up on the beaches of Delaware.  Many of them were too badly decomposed to know what killed them, but local sea life experts suspect the cause of death may have been boredom from living in Delaware.

The U.S./China trade war is hurting Maine’s lobster industry. Tariffs and export restrictions are causing lobstermen to really feel the pinch.

New York City subways will begin accepting fares from Fitbit Pay. For those choosing to jump the turnstiles, their Fitbit will count it as two big steps.

A woman’s body was found stuffed in to a curbside garbage bin in the Frankford neighborhood of Philadelphia. “We’ve never seen anything like this” said the garbage collector, “usually they’re in with recycling.”

A man set himself on fire outside of the White House. Secret Service knew it wasn’t the President, because it wasn’t just his pants on fire.

A Delta Airlines passenger is suing, claiming an emotional support dog mauled him on a flight. The victim claims Delta never verified the support dog’s credentials, and provoked the attack by including Pupperoni in his in-flight snack box.

Seybie, a newborn baby girl weighing just 8.6 ounces, is the smallest surviving human baby on record. Her parents requested anonymity – known only as “Barbie” and “Ken”.


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