Tuesday Jokes: July 30th

Police in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania are looking for a woman who urinated on potatoes at a Walmart there. The Walmart manager is also looking for her to see if she’s planning to show up for her next shift.

Philadelphia Police believe robbers who stole $4,000 from a Chipotle restaurant are the same ones who robbed two Popeye’s chicken locations over the weekend. Law enforcement remains on the lookout for the Clogged Artery Bandits.

100 million Capital One customers were the victim of a massive data breach. What’s in your wallet? If you’re a hacker, probably a few dozen social security numbers.

Actress and co-star of the original ‘Top Gun’, Kelly McGillis, said she was never contacted about appearing in the ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ sequel, claiming she was Goose’d by producers.

A Maryland man missing for five days in the woods was rescued after being spotted by a volunteer’s drone equipped with a camera. The drone owner said he was surprised to find the man, since he typically only uses it to look in bedroom windows.

Delta Airlines is taking heat for refusing to fly a service dog to the family of a two-year-old in California who suffers from seizure disorders. Delta first said the dog was a pit bull – which is isn’t – then lied again, saying the dog couldn’t open the boarding pass on its smartphone.

Thailand’s highest restaurant and bar opened on the 76th and 77th floor of the King Mahanakhon Skyscraper in Bangkok. Owners are trying to keep the place classy by forcing Bangkok’s notorious hookers to take the stairs.

A new study claims 1 in 4 food delivery workers eat some of the food they’re bringing to customers. Delivery workers say the best way to prevent it from happening is ordering meals for delivery from Arby’s.

A 16-year-old Pottsgrove, Pennsylvania boy won $3 million as Champion of the first-ever Fortnite World cup video game competition. Asked what his plans are for the money, he didn’t know, other than getting the hell out of Pottsgrove, Pennsylvania.

Mat Fraser, “Fittest Man on Earth”, is seeking his fifth gold medal in this weekend’s 2019 Crossfit Games in Madison, Wisconsin. The games will be broadcast by word-of-mouth from everyone who’s constantly telling you they’re doing Crossfit.


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