Monday Jokes: December 23rd

A North Carolina woman’s windshield was smashed when struck by a large catfish dropped by a bird.  The woman was not injured, but several of the bird’s friends were arrested on a highway overpass preparing to drop more catfish on passing cars.

Bill Cosby’s spokesman criticized Eddie Murphy’s joke about Cosby during his Saturday Night Live monologue, saying Cosby paved the way for other black entertainers. Cosby did not see the joke himself, but he pretty much can’t see anything these days.

‘Cats’ the movie opened to horrible reviews, garnering just 18% ‘fresh’ on Rotten Tomatoes. Theater workers also complained, saying they’ve never picked up such disgusting litter as they did cleaning up after Cats.

Two Carnival cruise ships collided in Cozumel, Mexico. Cleaning didn’t work, so one of the captains tried to knock the norovirus off his ship.

A drunken, incoherent fan crashed the postgame press conference of Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson. He was quickly taken away so the drunken, incoherent Philadelphia press could ask their questions.

Alaska Airlines blamed rampant delays on an unusual amount of baggage handlers calling in sick, and apologized for an “awful holiday travel experience”. Spirit Airlines called their own awful holiday travel experience “business as usual”.

A woman claims hundreds of pieces of tiny red glitter reading ‘Ho’ fell off wrapping paper she bought at Target, saying that her house has ‘Ho’s everywhere — just the latest instance of Hos making life hard for wrappers.

Jennifer Lopez told Business Insider that she limits her children’s ‘screen time’ each week. ‘Screen time’ is what JLo calls it when her kids are in the same room with her.

24 states and 48 cities will raise their minimum wage on January 1st, 2020. In response, Chipotle doubled avocado shipments to accommodate the newly-minted rich who can now pay a bit extra for guacamole.

Boeing’s CEO resigned amidst fallout from the company’s 737-MAX disaster. He told close friends the worst part was having to fly coach on the way home after.

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