To distance its association with Russia, Stolichnaya Vodka is rebranding as Stoli. This follows an unrelated decision by Bankers Club Vodka to rebrand as Liquid Ulcer Plumr.
Atlanta Falcons wide receiver Calvin Ridley – who took a leave of absence last season to focus on mental health – was suspended without pay for at least a year by the NFL for betting on football games. Ridley plans to spend the year focusing on his financial health.
The U.S. Supreme Court won’t allow the state of Pennsylvania to reopen the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To celebrate, Cosby invited Justice Amy Coney Barrett to join him for drinks.
Wonder Of The Seas, a Royal Caribbean cruise ship five times the size of the Titanic, set sail on its maiden voyage. “I’ll never let go, Jack!” said a passenger to her husband, as she held their spot in line at the world’s largest crab leg buffet.
The National Hockey League revealed a new Stanley Cup Playoff logo – depicting the Stanley Cup next to a guy in a recliner seeing what else is on TV.
Ukraine officially applied for membership to the European Union, but is looking for two more solid references after scratching out Russia & Belarus.
President Joe Biden is expected to issue an Executive Order regarding trading rules surrounding cryptocurrency, which you can pretty sure he didn’t write himself.
A bulldozer crushed a worker to death while he was using a porta potty at a Florida landfill. Crime scene investigators are drawing straws to see who has to take this one.
Florida gas prices rose to an all-time high. Officials are considering advising the state’s retirees to drive slower to save fuel, but privately wonder if that’s really even possible.
Kanye West released a new poem, Dead, about his divorce, in which he claims he’s already dead, and to “come to my grave and sprinkle some bread, so on my tombstone birds can be fed.” West has already been sued for plagiarism by several fifth graders.