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American Airlines announced a round trip flight from Philadelphia to Brazil for the Eagles season opener. Brazil Customs is training agents to deal with a plane load of drunks replying “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!..” when asked if they have anything to declare.

The Today Show profiled 110-year-old Vincent Dransfield of Little Falls, New Jersey, who lives on his own and drives his Hyundai sedan every day. A special summit between New Jersey home invaders and carjackers was held to see who gets first dibs.

Gene Simmons of KISS mentored competitors on American Idol. Female singers requested restraining orders and male singers said they didn’t have the $1,000 he demanded for a 10-minute conversation.

Cher & Mary J. Blige were among the new inductees to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. In other news Judas Priest was among the inductees to the Childrens Music Hall of Fame.

Donald Trump’s hush money case began in New York with opening arguments – starting with Trump in the hallway outside the courtroom arguing with nobody.

Younger voters claim American democracy is failing – not because of partisan politics or aging presidential candidates, but they’re worried they could lose TikTok.

Divorcing Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and soon-to-be-ex Theresa Nist have a prenuptial agreement, and highly recommend it to others. They also recommend that it be prepared in 30-point typeface.

LPGA golfer Nelly Korda won the Chevron Championship, her fifth consecutive tournament win, bringing her total winnings to over $2.4 million this season, and bringing her text messages from WNBA players offering to be her caddy.

A school in Australia set off 2,013 confetti cannons at the same time to set a world record. The school janitor then announced he quit.

A British sheep farmer said he uses Axe Body Spray on his male sheep to mask hormones that keep them from fighting each other. The bad news is female sheep won’t breed with them because of the smell.

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‘Oppenheimer‘ led Oscar nominations with 13 and ‘Killers of the Flower Moon‘ received 10. It was the first time that nominations were given specifically for work in the first hour of a movie because voters couldn’t stay awake for the rest of it.

Philadelphia Eagles star Jason Kelce lifted up a little girl so she could show a sign she’d made to Taylor Swift, who was seated with him in a suite at the Chiefs/Bills game. However, Kelce refused several requests to lift drunk men at the game so they could show something to Swift.

Billy Joel is releasing his first single in 17 years, so fans at his concerts will know when they hear it that it’s time to go get another beer.

Drexel University is researching more environmentally-friendly alternatives to road salt during the winter months. They’re testing concrete that releases thermal energy, as well as other hot condiments like sriracha.

Divorce rumors are swirling around singers Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. She’ll be performing at Coachella with No Doubt, and performing with Shelton is Doubt Ful.

Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles after guests complained about her going topless at the swimming pool. Teen boys staying there are seeking to have their parents banned for complaining about it.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Hugh Hefner, said in her new memoir that she no longer had sex with him after 2014 when he was 88 and she was 28. Viagra no longer worked, and Crystal was recovering from damage to her wrist, elbow and rotator cuff.

Medical journal JAMA finds health problems from obesity are compounded by loneliness and isolation that are more common in obese people – even though they’re kinda happy they get the whole pizza for themselves.

Texans took to social media demanding to secede from the United States, after the Supreme Court ruled against Texas placing razor wire barriers at the border. Immigrants are hoping Texas doesn’t secede because then they’ll need passports for their flights & bus trips from Texas to Chicago & New York.

Kanye West yelled at paparazzi as they photographed him & wife Bianca Censori leaving a tanning salon. They speculated he was angry because he was done a lot sooner than she was.

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Merry Christmas! Thank you to loyal & occasional readers. Have a terrific holiday. cd

The wives of three Philadelphia Eagles players hosted an EaGals Christmas Party for team member’s wives and girlfriends. The Philadelphia 76ers tried, but too many fights broke out when six of the players had their wife & 3 of their girlfriends each show up.

President Joe Biden will issue pardons for certain marijuana offenses, and for a very small number of crack cocaine & prostitution offenses committed by friends of one of his kids.

Philadelphia Police are investigating two suspicious car fires in the city’s Roxborough section – saying it’s easier than investigating the 50 carjackings in the city’s other sections.

A paraplegic claims Delta Airlines let him crawl to his seat when boarding assistance personnel were unavailable. Spirit Airlines said they allow people crawling to their seats to preboard so they’ll have the most time to buy more drinks before takeoff.

The Food & Drug Administration said they seized thousands of counterfeit units of diabetes/weight loss drug Ozempic. In a related story, Dollar Tree said they’re closing their pharmacy counters until further notice.

Satellite radio provider Sirius XM is accused of trapping customers in subscriptions and making it impossible to cancel. It’s so bad, workers at Comcast/Xfinity call centers are dialing in to learn a few new tricks.

A woman arrested for attempting to have her husband murdered in the Bahamas was allowed to go back to the United States for Christmas to visit her children. She has to stay 100 yards from her husband, and not even think about giving him the fruitcake she made.

Tinder is offering $499/month Tinder Select memberships to a limited number of “most sought after” users. In other news, two teen boys who stole their dad’s credit card are busy catching up on all the nude pics they’re getting.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram video showing the charred remains of her home gym following a house fire she started in 2020, when she fired her trainer for telling her to ‘feel the burn’.

A married couple drove an electric car 18,000 miles in an historic journey from the North Pole to the South Pole to raise awareness for climate change and use of electric vehicles. They’re currently looking for divorce lawyers at the South Pole.

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Singer Billie Eilish said she “didn’t realize people didn’t know” about her sexuality. She also didn’t realize the vast majority of people don’t care, either.

Taylor Swift watched from a suite at Lambeau Field as her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers. She consoled Kelce, telling him he’ll have a better show tomorrow night.

Yemen’s Houthi rebels launched drone & missile fire at Israeli commercial vessels in the Red Sea. Texts from the ship captains read “New attacks. Houthis?”

Former Trump White House official Alyssa Farah Griffin told a CNN host that she was surprised by Donald Trump’s “lack of sharpness” while giving confusing remarks at an Iowa rally. She added that Trump’s assistants have tried and failed to sneak Prevagen in to his Big Macs.

Nick Cannon – father to 12 children – said in an interview that he spends over $200,000 at Disneyland every year. He expects that number to go up with child support payments now that he’s gotten Snow White & Cinderella pregnant.

The Tucson federal prison housing Derek Chauvin said Chauvin was stabbed 22 times in last week’s incident. Officials are investigating a possible second assailant because the first guy’s arm got tired.

Spotify is cutting 17% of its staff, citing a need for cost reduction because those one-twentieth-of-one-cent per-play royalties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce are adding up.

Sylvester Stallone visited Philadelphia as December 3rd was recognized by the city as ‘Rocky Day’. Then the Eagles got blown out at home 42-19 and it was a Reeeeally Rocky Day.

Three University of Colorado assistant football coaches resigned, and Head Coach Deion Sanders’ fiancee broke off their engagement and will enter the Relationship Transfer Portal.

KISS played their final in-person concert at Madison Square Garden, but said their digital avatars will continue to perform shows for years to come. Then Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley’s digital avatars fired the virtual drummer and lead guitarist.

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Israeli troops raided Gaza’s largest hospital, which, they claim, is being used as a headquarters by Hamas terrorists. Patients are also hoping they can do something about the food.

A mother who named her infant son Semen before moving to the U.S. asked for new name suggestions on Reddit. She received thousands of replies with alternate names, and a handful of replies from gay guys and women saying they really liked Semen.

Patients born with abnormally high cholesterol have shown improvements through the use of gene editing. They just need to be okay with skinny genes.

A Boeing 747 jet flying from New York’s JFK airport to Belgium had to turn around after a horse got loose in the cargo hold. The horse was also angry about being refused an upgrade.

PGA golf tour officials are finalizing negotiations for a merger with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Talks have been contentious, but so far no PGA executives have lost their head.

A New York landlord stabbed three tenants to death over their failure to pay rent. He was visited in jail by his attorney, and 50 applicants for the apartment.

Will Smith denies allegations he had sex with a man, yelling he kept that thing outta his mouth.

K-pop all-girl group BabyMonster announced that Hyeon has left the group to focus on her health and well-being, leaving Asa, Chiquita, Haram, Rora, Pharita and Ruka as the remaining members. “Wait, which of us left again?” they asked each other.

OnlyFans model Danii Banks was kicked out of Allegiant Stadium for flashing her bare breasts during the Las Vegas Raiders/New York Jets matchup. Security guards also considered a harsher punishment – forcing her to watch the rest of the game.

Jason & Travis Kelce teamed up to record a Christmas song, Fairytale of Philadelphia, for the Phildelphia Eagles charity album. After talking to a friend about how much he was getting paid, one of them rerecorded Fairytale of Philadelphia (Travis’ Version).

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In a viral Tik Tok video, a popular fitness influencer admitted she doesn’t wash her vibrator after every use. She assumed it just shook off the bacteria.

Tyson Foods recalled over 30,000 pounds of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets because they allegedly contain metal. Although some parents were happy the brontosaurus their kid ate gave them plenty of iron.

Senior centers in Japan are getting Nintendo Switch consoles so residents can spend time playing video games – leading to a wave of seppuku over the dishonor of finishing last in Mario Kart.

Donald Trump is expected to appear and testify in his $250 million fraud trial – the first defendant ever to take the witness stand with the help of a teleprompter.

Guests at Disney World are reportedly letting children poop on the ground while waiting in long lines for popular rides like Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance, because they’re overwhelmed by the power of the force.

Khloe Kardashian is accused of a ‘Photoshop fail’ in a birthday photo tribute post to her mom, Kris Jenner – she forgot to edit out her brother Rob.

A Florida child called 911 because he wanted a hug. The responding officer hugged him, but shot him first just to be safe.

James Winburn, stunt double for Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween‘ film, died at age 85. Although when the coroner arrived, his body was missing. [Ed.: This story is from 2022 but I just saw it.]

The Simpsons producers say they’ll no longer show Homer choking Bart. If you want to watch poor parenting for entertainment purposes, they advise watching The Kardashians.

New Jersey political boss George Norcross was kicked out of a suite at Sunday’s Philadelphia Eagles game for hanging a pro-Israel flag, and refusing to remove it, or write Fly Eagles Fly or Go Birds on it.

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The Writers Guild of America is reportedly close to resolving their strike with Hollywood studios. Writers could return to work as soon as this week to be terrorized by Jimmy Fallon.

President Zelensky said Abrams tanks from the U.S. have arrived in Ukraine. He thanked the U.S. for the tanks, and for the porno mags left in them by U.S. soldiers.

A leading exercise physiologist said more people in the U.S. are “skinny fat” – exercising, but still unhealthy because of their diet. This is also known as The Planet Fitness Effect.

Ryan Seacrest revealed that nothing will change when he takes over from Pat Sajak as host of Wheel Of Fortune. Producers rejected a proposal to implement ‘surge pricing’ for vowels.

Philadelphia-area photographers say many women booking “boudoir shoots” want their bedroom photos taken while wearing Philadelphia Eagles jerseys. Although some women question how badly their husbands and boyfriends want to have sex with a football player.

Expend4ables bombed at the box office, collecting just $8.3 million in ticket sales, and an even more disappointing $30 million in popcorn and soda sales.

Taylor Swift attended the Kansas City Chiefs game in the suite of Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, sitting next to Kelce’s mother. Their relationship is unclear, since Swift has already met Kelce’s mother, but haven’t exchanged friendship bracelets or tongues.

Swift and Kelce reportedly had a postgame dinner date at a local restaurant, where she paid all of the customers inside to leave early so they could have the place to themselves. However, several customers refused to leave until they finished their Moons Over My Hammy.

Chester County, Pennsylvania held a town hall meeting to address security concerns after the escape of murderer Danelo Cavalcante from the county jail. Residents in attendance became angry when two other fugitive murderers spoke at the meeting, then fled.

The daughter of a homeless Florida woman who was found dead in the jaws of an alligator started a GoFundMe to raise funeral expenses, and maybe get a handbag, belt and a pair of shoes out of the deal.

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Fairfax, Virginia schools changed a grading policy for students who fail to turn in assignments, changing the lowest possible grade from 50% to 0. Philadelphia City Schools are considering a similar change, since several Philly schools have dropouts who are in the running for senior class Valedictorian.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante was captured in the woods of a Philadelphia suburb while wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey. “Maybe he isn’t such a bad guy after all” say Philadelphians.

Cavalcante was discovered after he was located beneath a wood pile and bitten by a State Police scent-tracking dog. The $25,000 reward for his capture will now be issued in Pupperoni.

House Speaker Mark Meadows said he’ll open an impeachment investigation in to Joe Biden’s alleged corruption involving son Hunter’s businesses. But for now the impeachment score remains 2-0.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert was kicked out of ‘Beetlejuice: The Musical‘ for vaping and causing a disturbance. When she first refused to leave, police said ‘Bobo’ three times on the sidewalk in front of the theater and she appeared there.

HGTV sold The Brady Bunch house to Tina Trahan, wife of a TV executive, for $3.2 million. Trahan then tried to cancel the purchase, saying something suddenly came up.

Brady Bunch star Eve ‘Jan’ Plumb plans to auction off memorabilia from her time on the show, including a “fun” gift from her onscreen Dad, Robert ‘Mike Brady’ Reed…that is, if you consider a positive HIV test a “fun gift”.

N’Sync reunited for the first time in 10 years at the MTV Video Music Awards. Now it’s time to say Bye Bye Bye to Fatone, Kirkpatrick, Chasez & Bass for another decade.

Apple announced that its iPhone 15 will adopt the USB-C charging standard, but assured loyal customers that official Apple charger cords will continue the company’s tradition of fraying and breaking in a month and a half.

A $33,000-per-passenger cruise ship ran aground in Greenland and could be stuck there for days. “Well, well, well, norovirus and imitation crab legs doesn’t sound so bad NOW, does it?” said a Carnival Cruise Lines spokesperson.

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The NFL’s Cleveland Browns banned a fan who hit team owner Jimmy Haslam in the head with a bottle following the Browns loss to the New York Jets. Dozens of fans who threw bottles at Haslam and missed retain the privilege of paying to see the Browns.

The COO of meat substitute maker Beyond Meat was arrested for biting the nose of a man during an altercation after a college football game. The man’s nose will be reconstructed from ground lentils and tofu.

Elton John will perform at the White House. It will be Elton’s first 2pm performance in years, followed by an early bird special where President Biden will ask him whatever happened to his bandmates in the Bay City Rollers.

300 workers at Home Depot in Philadelphia filed to form a labor union – but none of them know what aisle the caulk is in.

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Darius Slay intercepted a pass during the team’s Monday night game over the Minnesota Vikings, then gave the football to Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden. Harden then demanded the football be traded for a beer and nachos.

A New York City weatherman was fired after he posed nude on an adult webcam site. Viewers could expect anywhere from six to eight inches.

Donald Trump ally Kash Patel published a children’s book about a rigged election. Since it’s not a pop-up book, Trump is not expected to read it.

A U.S. health panel now recommends all adults under age 65 be screened for anxiety. Although they don’t have any ideas for what to do about adults with anxiety about doctor visits.

A judge halted the execution of an Alabama inmate who requested to die by nitrogen hypoxia, after his lawyers argued he would suffer “irreparable injury” from lethal injection. Alabama prison officials argued that irreparable injury is kind of the whole point of execution.

A Kentucky prosecutor was suspended for offering to assist a female defendant if she sent him nude photos. The prosecutor said he was just trying to help out his cousin.

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A man remains at large after stabbing a security guard at a NYC Apple Store. The attack was captured on store security, but not by any of the dozen-or-so dopes standing around holding iPhones.

Police in suburban Philadelphia arrested 6 people, charged with selling cocaine out of ambulances. Cops noticed a spike in 911 calls asking for rides to raves and music festivals.

Alabama school employee Martha Pope, 43, was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old male student. Or, as it’s known in Alabama high schools, “health class”.

A Manhattan entrepreneur who hired a woman as a live-in assistant was arrested for placing hidden cameras in her bedroom and bathroom, then tried to blame his 10-year-old son. “Not only did I not do it, he wouldn’t even let me watch the video!” said the 10-year-old.

A man & woman, Philadelphia Eagles fans, were removed from the Carolina Panthers stadium after having sex in a men’s room stall during last Sunday’s game. It didn’t last long, since the man only made it to the L in the E-A-G-L-E-S chant before finishing.

LinkedIn is shutting down its China website, after crashing the Internet sending billions of notifications telling people to congratulate factory employees celebrating work anniversaries.

Ghost Robotics, a robot maker for the military, showed off the new Q-UGV, a robot dog equipped with a gun. “No, YOU sit” said the robot.

A stuntman inverted in a straitjacket was smashed between two exploding cars in a stunt gone wrong on the new ‘America’s Got Talent: Extreme‘. He was rushed to a trauma unit after receiving the show’s first-ever Golden Medivac.

Gay comic Hannah Gadsby – responding to Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos defending Dave Chappelle’s recent special – said she takes sh*ts with more backbone than Sarandos. Gadsby is currently recovering from rectal reconstruction surgery.

NBA Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving refuses to get the COVID-19 vaccine, the first shot in his life he wouldn’t consider taking.