Friday Jokes: January 10th

The world’s second-ever infant born to a woman receiving a uterus transplanted from a cadaver was delivered at the end of 2019 in Philadelphia. The baby’s first words were “not for nothin’ but did youse know there’s a dead lady’s uterus in there?..”

A study in the Journal of Preventative Cardiology claims persons drinking tea three or more times a week live longer. After reading the study, three 19-year-olds died drinking Twisted Tea.

Newly released internal emails reveal a Boeing worker saying that the grounded 737 MAX was “designed by clowns”. In a statement, Boeing said that was just one jet designed for transporting 500 clowns in a 150-passenger aircraft.

A fossil found in Nevada reveals the Earth’s oldest animal guts. The fossil was found in the bottom of a steam tray on the Circus Circus hotel dinner buffet.

In order to attract and retain workers, Taco Bell announced some locations will offer jobs paying six-figure salaries. The store managers will still make $40,000, the $100,000 jobs are for whoever cleans the restrooms.

Justin Bieber revealed he’s battling Lyme disease.  The tick responsible for biting Bieber announced it’s battling Douchebag disease.

The Hubble Space Telescope detected the smallest known mass of dark matter – the building blocks of galaxies –  in the universe. Then they pointed it toward Earth and found the smallest known mass of gray matter in the head of a guy in the Oval Office.

The Federal Reserve is launching five new quarters to commemorate national parks. It would have been six but Disney refused to let them use Mickey Mouse’s picture.

Electric scooter rental company Lime is laying off employees and exiting 12 global markets – leaving commuters in those cities to find other ways to break their arms and get hit by cars.

Roomba robot vacuums with robotic arms are currently being tested. They can move items on the floor, and hit men lying on the couch to get their help cleaning up, goddamnit.

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