Thursday Jokes: January 9th

A GOP Senator who watched the White House security briefing on Iran called it “the worst briefing he’d ever seen”. Asked what made it so bad, he said “the 15 minutes of Trump 2020 ads and previews of other assassinations before it started”.

At his introductory press conference, Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike McCarthy admitted lying in his job interview about watching every play of every 2019 Cowboys game. Similarly, Joe Judge, new coach of the New York Giants, is expected to admit he lied about wanting to be head coach of the New York Giants.

CEO Pat Brown of meat substitute company Impossible Foods attended the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, calling the meat industry “the most destructive technology on Earth by far.” Brown added that he hadn’t heard of Facebook or Twitter.

14 men & women beat out over 10,000 applicants to become members of the Disney Parks Moms Panel – a group that answers questions from people planning Disney vacations. So far, the most common question they’re asked by parents is how to ditch their kids.

Nintendo faces criticism for not providing prize money for Esports tournaments featuring its Super Smash Bros fighting game. The criticism comes from older parents hoping their 30-year-old sons win enough money to move out of the basement.

New York City’s subway removed 300 cars from service for safety reasons. Most were removed because doors could open while the car was moving; the rest because of the smell of people sleeping in them.

Carnival Cruise Lines is banning apparel with offensive, racist and obscene messages. Most cruise passengers approve of the ban, although it resulted in cancellation of the High Seas Gathering Of The Juggalos.

Verizon announced they’re no longer offering promotional pricing and introductory contracts on their tv, internet and phone service. Conversely, Comcast/Xfinity announced they’re no longer telling customers what they’re being charged until the bill arrives.

First cousins Angela Peang and Michael Lee, both 38, face jail time in their home state of Utah because Peang is five months pregnant with Lee’s baby – which is illegal in the state. They haven’t decided whether to have the child in Utah, or seek Inbred Asylum in Mississippi.

Amazon-owned Ring admitted that they fired employees because they watched videos of Ring camera users. The employees claimed it was for security reasons, but Amazon human resources countered that their pants were at their knees.


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