Parents of Philadelphia grade schoolers are concerned about sending their kids back to schools where asbestos has been removed. They worry about further respiratory damage, because most of them already smoke.

Cheetos said the official name for orange cheese dust on fingers is “Cheetle” – as opposed to the orange cheese dust that accumulates in your digestive tract, which is called “colon cancer”.

Following Iran’s admission that they shot down a Ukrainian passenger jet, two anchors on the Iranian state TV news quit. They’re now searching for replacements to lead daylight prayers on ‘Good Morning Tehran’.

Mötley Crüe guitarist Mick Mars responded to rumors that he won’t be able to join the band’s summer stadium tour because he’s on his death bed. Mars replied “it’s really more of a death recliner.”

The feud between Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren continues to escalate ahead of the Democratic debate in Iowa. Supporters are hoping they can resolve their differences at a 5:30a.m. breakfast of Cream of Wheat and hot tea.

Japan’s upcoming Super Nintendo World theme park is reportedly one of the most technologically advanced attractions ever. Parents of misbehaving children can drop them in green warp pipes, where they’ll be whisked away to a time-out room to study for college entrance exams.

Airbus’ Beluga XL, one of the largest commercial transport jets ever, made its first operational flight. It’s capable of carrying the equivalent of seven full-size African elephants – as evidenced by the family of elephants who flew in it from Nairobi to Disney World.

The oldest material on Earth has been found in a meteorite, breaking the previous record for oldest material on Earth, found in a Larry the Cable Guy standup show.

The U.S. Homeland Security issued a powerful warning, telling users to upgrade their VPNs to patch vulnerability to hackers. They also warn corporate IT Help Desks to expect a huge cyberattack from employees simultaneously asking what a VPN is.

An archivist at the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh was arrested for selling some of the library’s most valuable treasures. He sold rare books and maps to a local collector, and the key to the men’s room to a homeless drug addict.