Philadelphia police have been ordered to wear masks in public – making it hard to eat donuts.

• “Hey, where’d you get yours?” asked a bodega robber.

Wuhan, China ended its lockdown. Lines are up to 50 cars long at drive-thru pangolin restaurants.

Pope Francis said the COVID-19 pandemic is one of “nature’s responses” to humans ignoring the climate & ecological crises. “Hey – stick to fables about imaginary bearded magicians multiplying fish and bread!!” said Italian conservatives.

An entire Pennsylvania nursing home is feared to be infected with COVID-19; residents heard about it from several really, really loud TVs.

Ohio restaurants are now able to sell cocktails for takeout. However, Ohio state police are pulling over more vehicles with martini glasses on the dashboard.

• Smooth operators are ordering a drink for themselves, and another for that cute woman two parking spots over.

Although parks remain closed, Disney raised prices at its restaurants. Breakfasts with Disney Princesses will no longer include a lap dance.

A survey of 293 female students at SUNY-Albany showed those whose male sex partners didn’t use condoms had fewer symptoms of depression. In related news, the SUNY-Albany Registrar’s computer crashed after a bombardment of transfer applications.

Scientists discovered a massive siphonophore over 150 feet long in the Indian Ocean. The jellyfish-like creature looks like silly string, and is believed to have been created by octopus birthday parties.

Producers of DC Comics’ The Flash movie are reportedly considering dumping star Ezra Miller, after video surfaced of Miller choking a female fan in a bar. Not only that, but he was pretty slow running away from it.

Facebook launched a new app, ‘Tuned’, so couples can connect with each other – at least until one of them finds their partner also ‘Tuned’-in to the new person at the gym.