Walmart announced they’ll pay worker’s full college tuition & book costs at 10 education partners, provided they continue to maintain at least a part-time schedule and live below the poverty line.

Vermont has the greatest percentage of adult residents with at least one COVID-19 vaccine, 83.2%. Officials say more adult residents would be vaccinated, but it’s difficult to get close enough to the bears.

Susan Wright, a Trump-endorsed candidate for the Texas U.S. House seat vacated by her dead husband, lost to fellow Republican Jake Ellzey. Wright gave a concession speech, conceding that the election was rigged and urging her followers to riot.

A North Dakota man was arrested for attempting to choke his girlfriend to death with a yo-yo string. She managed to escape because he couldn’t resist showing off his other tricks in-between attacks.

The CDC reinstated a recommendation to wear face masks indoors in areas of high transmission and low vaccination rates. Little kids in Florida will have to identify Disney Princesses by their dress and hair color.

Sydney, Australia extended its COVID-19 lockdown for four weeks due to a surge in cases. Residents won’t have a g’day until nex’month.

Simone Biles withdrew from the Individual All-Around gymnastics competition at the Tokyo Olympics to focus on her mental health. Several Olympic tennis players withdrew from their matches to focus on their dehydration and heat stroke.

McCormick recalled several varieties of Italian seasonings for possible salmonella contamination. They advise returning them or throwing them away, and using it as an excuse to skip Sunday dinner at your Italian grandmother’s house.

Hayli’s Law passed the Illinois Senate, allowing children under age 16 to operate a lemonade stand without a license or government interference. After the law passed, Hayli started adding vodka to the lemonade and now owns three houses and a boat.

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher said that they rarely take full baths or showers, and bathe their children sparingly. Kunis’ ‘Bad Moms 3’ will be a documentary.

Penn State University researchers say mouthwashes and oral rinses kill coronavirus. They studied several hundred Penn State freshman & sophomore dorm residents who really needed to wash their mouths out for some reason.

Netflix canceled Hillary Swank astronaut drama Away after one season. They’re considering merging it with another Netflix series recently cancelled after one season to make Teenage Bounty Hunters In Outer Space.

Melania Trump cancelled a planned appearance at her husband’s rally in Erie, Pennsylvania, citing a nagging cough, and also citing the rally being in Erie, Pennsylvania.

USA Today gave its first-ever presidential candidate endorsement to Joe Biden, although most people didn’t see it because they only read the red and purple sections.

As expected the Department of Justice filed antitrust charges against Google. Google denied monopoly power of its search technology, saying if people wanted to, they could use Bing. Then they ended the Zoom meeting and laughed for 20 minutes.

Ford unveiled a new self=driving vehicle it hopes to launch in 2022. It starts by memorizing familiar routes for Ford vehicles, like the way to the repair shop.

Donald Trump abruptly ended what was to have been a longer interview with 60 Minutes Lesley Stahl after 45 minutes, then did not return. Stahl said she regretted scheduling the interview when The Bachelorette was on.

California set a timetable for large theme parks like Disneyland to reopen at partial capacity – now it’s a race against time for princesses to fit into their dresses.

An estimated 67,000 felons residing in Florida are currently registered to vote – 67,003 if you count the guys currently robbing the bank across from a polling place.

A Texas woman died on a plane of COVID-19. Several Spirit Airlines passengers also died of unknown causes, which a spokesperson for Spirit Airlines called “a Tuesday”.

Rapper Bobby Shmurda, imprisoned for six years on gang-related charges, was denied Shparole.

An executive at the Centers for Disease Control said they’ve “never seen morale this low” as Trump confounds their COVID-19 efforts; then added hope that a totally new killer disease comes along to distract everyone and cheer them up.

A grizzly bear mauled a hunter to death in an Alaska state park. Late in the 3rd quarter of 2020, the Bears still trail the Hunters, 57-1.

Microsoft Teams is enhancing its virtual workplace environments, adding breakout rooms, virtual coffee shops, new backgrounds – and empty offices where coworkers can have cybersex.

Time Magazine released its 2020 list of the World’s 100 Most Influential People. Once again, Carrot Top did not make it.

Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine made it to Phase 3 clinical trials. They’re calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

41 razor blades were placed on playground equipment in a Michigan park, in a deliberate attempt to cause harm to children. Officials say this has caused only a slight increase in monkey-bar-related lacerations.

Garmin released new ‘rearview radar’ devices for bicyclists, designed to alert them when cars are approaching from behind. Future models may add cameras so the coroner can see which car ran you over.

Disneyland Resort in California is opening a community COVID-19 testing site. For $100, you can have breakfast and your choice of Snow White, Ariel or Cinderella will stick a cotton swab up your nose.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin will get to serve her upcoming two-month sentence at a prison of her choice. She’s currently deciding between a minimum-security facility, or the waiting room at the Los Angeles Department of Motor Vehicles.

After closing for a month, Pennsylvania state liquor stores partially reopened for curbside pickup. Their top sellers are vodka, bourbon, and travel mugs for the drive home.

Burger chain Shake Shack returned $10 million it borrowed from a federal government program intended for small businesses, even though they said it was needed to buy extra beepers to cater White House state banquets.

IKEA shared the recipe for its famous meatballs, but people are disappointed they have to sit in a warming tray for two months in order to taste the same as they do at the store.

IKEA also is planning to reopen some of its European stores in May, which means you’ll be zipping through the checkout in June.

The WNBA New York Liberty selected Oregon’s Sabrina Ionescu first overall in Friday’s draft. Ionescu is expected to collect the biggest-ever payday for a WNBA rookie, just as soon as her $1,200 stimulus check arrives.

Google updated its Chrome browser with a new feature called Tab Groups, which lets you merge all of your open porn tabs into one.

Alicia Silverstone said her portrayal of Batgirl in ‘Batman and Robin’ was “not her favorite experience”, since she was body-shamed and called ‘Fatgirl’. She said the only experience worse than making the movie was having to watch it.

New technology in the upcoming Apple Watch 6 may use location data to prevent wearers from being attacked by sharks. It may also be able to alert sharks wearing Apple Watches to locations where swimmers aren’t wearing them.

The White House will use the Defense Production Act to increase the number of cotton swabs needed for coronavirus testing, but that it will take some time for the Q Tips to be rebranded as DT Tips.

The Disney Bedtime Hotline has reappeared so parents putting their kids to bed can hear a special message from their favorite Disney character. Although single male callers are disappointed that Disney Princesses will no longer tell them what they’re wearing.

Philadelphia police have been ordered to wear masks in public – making it hard to eat donuts.

  • “Hey, where’d you get yours?” asked a bodega robber.

Wuhan, China ended its lockdown. Lines are up to 50 cars long at drive-thru pangolin restaurants.

Pope Francis said the COVID-19 pandemic is one of “nature’s responses” to humans ignoring the climate & ecological crises. “Hey – stick to fables about imaginary bearded magicians multiplying fish and bread!!” said Italian conservatives.

An entire Pennsylvania nursing home is feared to be infected with COVID-19; residents heard about it from several really, really loud TVs.

Ohio restaurants are now able to sell cocktails for takeout. However, Ohio state police are pulling over more vehicles with martini glasses on the dashboard.

  • Smooth operators are ordering a drink for themselves, and another for that cute woman two parking spots over.

Although parks remain closed, Disney raised prices at its restaurants. Breakfasts with Disney Princesses will no longer include a lap dance.

A survey of 293 female students at SUNY-Albany showed those whose male sex partners didn’t use condoms had fewer symptoms of depression. In related news, the SUNY-Albany Registrar’s computer crashed after a bombardment of transfer applications.

Scientists discovered a massive siphonophore over 150 feet long in the Indian Ocean. The jellyfish-like creature looks like silly string, and is believed to have been created by octopus birthday parties.

Producers of DC Comics’ The Flash movie are reportedly considering dumping star Ezra Miller, after video surfaced of Miller choking a female fan in a bar. Not only that, but he was pretty slow running away from it.

Facebook launched a new app, ‘Tuned’, so couples can connect with each other – at least until one of them finds their partner also ‘Tuned’-in to the new person at the gym.

Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly for CBS, the same week her friend Oprah Winfrey interviewed men who allege sexual abuse by Michael Jackson. The phrase “girrll pleeeease” is expected to be said several times when King & Winfrey meet up.

A North Carolina artist reimagined Disney Princesses as modern-day adults with careers. For instance, Mulan is a Title IX lawyer, Sleeping Beauty is a coffee company CEO, and Ariel is a pop star/record producer navigating the sexist music industry where men want to play her scales.

An anonymous winner claimed the largest U.S. lottery prize in history, an $878 million Mega Millions jackpot. As a resident of South Carolina, the winner plans to invest the funds in the world’s largest backyard above-ground pool and trampoline.

President Trump called Jay Barrett of West Haven, Connecticut, a Trump supporter reportedly on his death bed, who wanted to talk to the President before he died. The White House was praised for its response, and for its savvy filtering out dying citizens who also want to speak to Trump to tell him to f**k off once before they go.

Forbes Magazine declared cosmetics mogul Kylie Jenner the youngest-ever “self-made billionaire”, followed by intense debate regarding how much of Kylie’s wealth is self-made, and how much is implants.

Women alleging sexual assault at properties promoted by Trip Advisor claim that, when they complained, Trip Advisor told them to mention the sexual assault in “negative reviews”. Most of the women were angered by the advice, though some complied with reviews like “Almost Died, But Soft, Plentiful Towels”.

Oscar winner Rami Malek is rumored to be the villain in the 25th James Bond film. Few details are available, although the villain is said to speak in an emotionless monotone that bores people to death.

Fitbit introduced new, less-expensive wearable fitness trackers, as part of its ongoing effort to be more cost-competitive with cheeseburgers.

Team Brad Rutter won the $1 million grand prize in Jeopardy’s All-Star Team Challenge, as America welcomes the return of traditional Jeopardy!, where you can make fun of contestants who you think might actually be dumber than you.

Family Dollar plans to close 400 stores. Sales failed to meet forecasts due to a declining trend in depressing children’s birthday parties in the Deep South.