Thursday Jokes: May 14th

The U.S. Senate is considering expanding the Patriot Act to allow the FBI to view citizens web browsing history & search terms without a warrant. Civil liberties advocates oppose it, but the FBI said they’ve hit a dead-end tracking the ‘Busty Mature Latinas’ Killer.

A business analytics company forecasts Jeff Bezos will become the world’s first trillionaire by 2026. This upset many Americans, but most of them are more upset their Amazon Prime shipments are taking 7 days to get there.

Mary-Kate Olsen is getting divorced from French banker Pierre Olivier Sarkozy. He’s given her until May 18 to vacate their home, making it a Half-Full House.

Golden Corral shared reopening plans, where servers will bring buffet food to tables, and use special harnesses to lift children without touching them so they can shove their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Freelance platforms like Fiverr and Upwork say the most in-demand “side hustles” you can do from home include website design, app testing & blog writing. If you’re willing to go outside the home, they recommend “the world’s oldest side hustle”.

For its reopening, Disney World will check guests temperature prior to entry. They’ll use special thermometers to tell the difference between a real fever, and people angry at how much they just paid to get into Disney World.

A viral video shows a fight as a woman was kicked out of Red Lobster on Mother’s Day after demanding a refund because her order took 3 hours. Red Lobster’s spokesperson said they were glad no one was injured by the fight, or by the Shrimp Alfredo.

Researchers state low Vitamin D levels are correlated with severity of COVID-19 illness and death. They say prevention plans should include drinking milk in direct sunlight.

The same researchers are warning that women should use caution around dude-bros who offer to up their levels of “Vitamin D”.

A woman traveling by foot throughout India gave birth, then walked 99 miles with her newborn. She named the baby ‘Heavy’.

 

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