Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

Ariel the Mermaid lost part of her seashell bra during a Disney World Parade. Sebastian the Crab serenaded the crowd with ‘Under The Sea’ as she looked to cover up Over The C’s.

A 7-year-old boy is being hailed as a hero for performing the Heimlich maneuver on a classmate choking on pizza in the school cafeteria. He then punched the same kid for refusing to trade his chocolate pudding for Fritos.

Georgia Tik Tok influencer Kylie Strickland is being investigated for flashing her breasts at two small boys at a swimming pool during a livestream. The boys remained in the pool for several uncomfortable minutes.

Unconfirmed reports state U.S. representatives are working on a prisoner swap, with WNBA star Britney Griner returning to the States in exchange for a Russian arms dealer, future considerations, and a scumbag to be named later.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson resigned amidst multiple scandals including parties during COVID lockdown and failure to act on sexual misconduct perpetrated by one of his allies. The good news is, his awful behavior has earned him reality show offers from three U.S. cable channels.

Apple plans to launch an Extreme Sports edition Apple Watch, with a metal casing & larger screen, designed to withstand the toughest afternoons lying on your couch.

Viral video showed a teleprompter on stage during Motley Crue’s set during their U.S. Stadium Tour, reminding Vince Neil of song lyrics he can’t sing anyway.

The NFL’s hearings regarding alleged sexual misconduct by Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson concluded after three days. Any decision regarding suspensions or disciplinary action will be delayed while everyone unwinds with a relaxing massage.

Kim Kardashian spoke to Allure magazine, telling an interviewer what she has, and hasn’t, put in her face on the day of the interview. She admitted to having a small amount of Botox and a larger amount of Pete Davidson.

Kazuki Takahashi, creator of the hit TV series and trading card game Yu-Gi-Oh, passed away at age 60. Said mourners, “Yu-Gi-Oh no”.

75 NFL players tested positive for COVID-19 in the last two days. Over 100 others submitted COVID self-test swabs covered in ear wax and are believed to have mild-to-severe concussions.

Congress agreed to raise the federal debt limit by $2.5 trillion, with all the representatives & senators splitting the 2.5 trillion spending reward points equally.

A Disney actor playing Cinderella’s Lady Tremaine at Disney World said she, and other English-speaking characters, are only permitted to speak English. If someone asks her a question in Spanish, she replies “beats me..go find the Coco characters”.

New research shows therapods – three-toed, carnivorous dinosaurs – ran as fast as 27 miles per hour when chasing food. Or, even faster if a fresh batch of crab legs was dropped off at the buffet.

Caitlyn Jenner said she won’t return to the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel because they denied her entry for wearing ripped jeans. That, and the ripped jeans showed she hadn’t shaved her legs in a month.

Tenor Andrea Bocelli will perform at a 50-person private New York City event costing $20,000 per ticket. Bocelli is expected to perform ‘Time To Say Goodbye..to $20,000′.

Real Housewives of New York cast member Leah McSweeney said she’s giving vibrators to her girlfriends this Christmas. She says they make the perfect stocking-stuffer or, more likely, cozy-pajama-stuffer.

A family in South Africa had a boomslang, a highly poisonous snake, living in their fully-decorated Christmas tree. A snake handler arrived and took nearly two hours to capture it, mainly because the snake kept asking to have its Christmas Card picture retaken.

New York named Keechant Sewell to be the city’s first black woman Police Commissioner. She’s expected to announce that the 19% of NYPD officers who identify as female can wear dark blue sweatpants.

Sibling vocal trio Girl Named Tom won Season 21 of reality singing competition The Voice. They’ll now join other past champions to compete against being forgotten about in a week.

An Indiana University football player wore a jersey reading ‘INDINIA’ in Saturday’s game. The game marked a career high rushing day, with 120 yards for Indinia Franklin.

A girl died on a Colorado “Haunted Mine Drop” attraction, that plunges riders 110 feet into a mountain cavern. So far, investigators have ruled out ghosts.

A viral video shows a fight between two women on a ferry boat at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. The fight broke up and EMTs arrived to reattach ears and feathers.

Universities reopened in Afghanistan following the government overthrow by the Taliban, with curtains separating male and female students in classrooms. It wasn’t all good news, as Kabul Tech fell 89-0 to Islamabad in the Middle East Conference Kickoff Classic.

Musk ducks are the only waterfowl capable of vocal learning and expression, according to a decades-old study in Australia. The study captured ducks repeating human phrases, and creating some of their own, like “I’m sick of eating wet bread”.

COVID-19 infection rates in South Dakota shot up 600% since the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally attracted a crowd of 250,000 people in August. Also shooting up – customers of drug-dealing bikers at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.

A website where ‘whistleblowers’ can report Texas abortions was shut down for the second time. But it’s okay, because the site was aborted within six weeks of launch.

Richmond, Virginia will remove a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee – to make room for a statue of Christopher Columbus that they bought on eBay.

Gymnast Simone Biles replied to criticism over her pulling out of Olympics events, writing “I can’t hear you over my 7 Olympic medals”. Other Olympians were unaware that the medals doubled as wireless Bluetooth speakers.

New studies find evidence of “superhuman” immunity to COVID-19 in some individuals. Oddly enough, none are Trump supporters who died after pledging to never wear masks or get vaccinated.

Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider experienced a ‘breakthrough’ case of COVID-19, and believes he caught it from his wife taking their grandchildren to Disney World, citing lax mask and vaccine enforcement. “We’re not gonna take that!” screamed Goofy.

ZZ Top bassist Dusty Hill passed away unexpectedly at age 72. Insiders expect an open casket, and every girl looking at him to be crazy about him.

Celebrity sommelier Caleb Ganzer was arrested for setting fire to outdoor dining structures and garbage in Manhattan. Ganzer would set small fires, see if he liked them, then make a bigger fire in the same spot.

Children have discovered how to fake a positive COVID-19 test by dripping juice or soft drinks on the swab in order to get out of going to school. Although some kids have been rushed to hospitals for emergency cancer treatment after tricking the test using Mountain Dew.

A TripAdvisor reviewer gave a Marriott resort in Mexico a one-star review after watching a crocodile drag a woman into the ocean. Fellow guests rescued the woman, and the crocodile gave the resort a five-star review.

Men digging a well in Sri Lanka unearthed a 2.5 million carat sapphire cluster worth $100 million. In other news, Kim Kardashian announced her engagement to a Sri Lankan ditch digger.

Restaurants across the country are starting to require proof of vaccination for indoor dining. Arby’s is not requiring proof of vaccination, but is requiring diners sign a liability waiver.

Athletes & celebrities such as Justin Bieber, Ronda Rousey and Michael Phelps shared messages of support for Simone Biles who withdrew from some Olympic events to focus on mental health. Meanwhile, baristas are stepping away from drink orders to focus on their mental health and getting immediately fired.

Police say a Parisian jewel thief was able to escape on an electric scooter because starstruck pedestrians were distracted seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme in an adjacent shop. Van Damme stuck around to report a stolen electric scooter.

Infomercial pioneer Ron Popeil passed away at age 86. No funeral was announced, but what if I told you there was a second funeral, and all you pay for is shipping?

After a man shot several people at a party in Fort Worth, Texas, partygoers defended themselves by throwing garden stones at the shooter, killing him. The police report lists the witnesses as Stoner 1, Stoner 2, Stoner 3…

Actress Busy Philipps says her daughter, Birdie, has been cast in a non-binary acting role for a new Amazon Prime series. Since she’s non-binary, she’ll be paid a full salary some days, and 72% of the salary on other days.

The Mayor of Orange County, Florida – home to Disney World – said they’re in ‘crisis mode’ because of a surge in Delta Variant COVID cases. It’s so bad, It’s A Small World is even smaller because of the hospitalization of singing child robots.

The Congressional Investigative Committee on the January 6th Riots kicked off Tuesday, with testimony from the Capitol Police force – requiring a 50% increase in the daily donut delivery to the House of Representatives.

Britney Spears officially petitioned for a new conservator to replace her father, although her new attorneys are attempting to persuade her out of her first choice, Santa Claus.

Naomi Osaka was eliminated in the third round of the Tokyo Olympics tennis competition, in the most Japanese sports headline ever.

The NCAA’s Southeast Conference is meeting to discuss adding the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners athletic programs. Discussion is expected to center on money, and whether the conference grade point average could possibly go any lower.

The CDC plans to recommend everyone in a school setting from grades Kindergarten through 12 wear a mask. They’re also recommending younger kids and teachers learn the phrase “I REALLY need to use the bathroom” in sign language.

Campbell’s Soup cans are getting their first redesign in 50 years, with the Campbell’s name getting a “modernized logo structure” and “mm mm good” replaced by “not just for geezers”.

Some U.S. airports are running out of fuel for planes. As a result, Spirit Airlines will charge passengers an extra $49 if they don’t help push-start jets toward the runway.

An Amazon delivery driver was caught defecating in a woman’s garden. Worse, he sent her a picture to prove he delivered it.

Disney’s CEO said that fewer people are visiting Disney Parks than they expected. It’s so bad, the robots changed the lyrics to “It’s A Small ‘Crowd’ After All”.

The Tennessee GOP Senate Primary is still “too close to call” between two bigots.

FBI agents executed a federal search warrant on the home of YouTube star Jake Paul. No word on what they were looking for, but they’re seriously disappointed in the view count of the video they took.

The deadline for players to opt out of the upcoming NFL season is 4p.m. today. The deadline to acquire CTE has been extended indefinitely.

Amazon announced Prime Day – typically held in July – will now take place “in the fourth quarter”…taking the place of the holiday formerly known as Christmas.

Cable network Freeform announced the cancellation of mermaid drama ‘Siren’ after three seasons. An executive said the show just didn’t have legs.

A 6-year-old in a London suburb reportedly choked on parts of a blue face mask fried in to the McNuggets she was eating. Her mother requested a different Happy Meal toy.

NASA astronauts aboard the International Space Station shared a music video they made to Travis Tritt’s song “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” – which it was, unless you’re the astronaut who hates country music.

University of Connecticut is cancelling their 2020 men’s football season, saying it’s a safer way of going 0-12.

Disney employees shared a list with Business Insider of ’15 Things You Should Never Do’ inside Disney Parks. Topping the list? Princesses.

Visitors to Disney World reported a “heavy police presence” outside of the Magic Kingdom yesterday evening, along with a cop shouting into a bullhorn “come out with your oversized puffy white hands up”.

A new book claims Jeffrey Epstein was a member of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, but that he was kicked out for hitting on a member’s teenage daughter – without paying the extra fee the club charges for doing so.

  • The member’s daughter was identified only by her first name: ‘Ivanka’.

Google debuted its newest budget phone, the Pixel 4A. It costs $349 and your privacy.

Scientists discovered male sperm ‘roll like playful otters’ as they swim. Then they run out of energy and ‘die like out-of-shape swimmers at the Jersey Shore’.

The American Heart Association said smoking marijuana is bad for cardiac and lung health, as they announced their endorsement of Flintstones Cannabis Chewables.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly taken their four kids to a ‘remote island fortress’ to save their marriage. They’re also looking for a second remote island fortress to ship their kids if it’s going to work.

Winnepeg Jets player Tucker Poolman had to leave yesterday’s game against the Calgary Flames after taking a puck to the face and leaving a large pool of blood on the ice. The game was halted while the puck and ice were tested for COVID-19.

Amidst their divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole is challenging the prenup she admits to signing in 1996. She’s saying it’s invalid because the name listed on the contract is ‘Ho’.

This weekend, the 80th Sturgis Motorcycle Rally takes place in South Dakota. Organizers say they’ve taken proper precautions to protect those attending, including biker gang masks, signs promoting hog distancing, and handgun washing stations.

A massive dust cloud from the Sahara Desert is expected to reach the Gulf Coast of the United States. Donald Trump is speaking with governors in Louisiana and Mississippi to deploy his idea for the world’s largest Swiffer.

NASA is having a contest to design the best toilet for use on the lunar lander when astronauts return to the moon. The favorite so far is an entry that uses zero gravity by bolting the bowl to the ceiling.

Camille Cosby, wife of Bill Cosby, said she won’t visit him in prison because “he doesn’t want [her] to see him in that environment”. She added that Bill Cosby is legally blind, so he can’t tell who’s visiting anyway.

Google Photos is streamlining its interface to make it easier to find and organize pictures of your genitals.

Amazon bought the rights to the Seattle arena where the city’s new NHL team will play, calling it Climate Pledge Arena. They claim the arena will be ‘Zero Waste’, but when hockey games start, fans will be ‘100% Wasted’.

Model Chrissy Teigen shared Instagram video with the results of her breast reduction surgery. Male followers consider it a huge victory for every time they’ve commented “show us your boobs”.

YouTube creator Jenna Marbles is leaving the platform, having admitted to using blackface and ethnic stereotypes. A YouTube spokesperson said they regret losing their Marbles.

Viewers watching past episodes of ‘Glee’ posted about seeing dummies used as extras to fill crowd scenes during performances. Show creators are more worried about the dummies who are still watching ‘Glee’ long after its cancellation.

Despite a spike in COVID-19 infections in the state, Florida’s Disney Parks still plan to reopen in July, welcoming visitors to the Happiest Hotspot On Earth.

Chuck E. Cheese declared bankruptcy. It plans to reopen as Chuck E. Government Cheese.

Finland will eliminate separate subjects in public schools. Finnish students will now be able to tell their parents “I’m failing everything”. [Story h/t to K.N.S.]

A viral photo shows a priest baptizing a baby with holy water shot from a squirt gun. The baby is welcome to return in 10 years when the priest will shoot him in the face again.

The manhunt continues for a University of Connecticut student wanted for multiple murders. They’re hoping he’ll surrender and transfer from UConn to UConvict.

Three young Bolivian brothers, ages 12, 10 & 8 – were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them, thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man. “You dopes, the spider has to be radioactive” said Brazil’s best doctor.

Florida theme parks will soon reopen, requiring visitors wear masks and disclaiming they can’t guarantee they won’t be exposed to coronavirus – unless they want to, in which case they can go to new attraction ‘Scrooge McDuck On A Ventilator’.

KFC is testing a new chicken sandwich –  one made with actual chickens.

A male beard model shaved for the first time in 10 years, letting his wife of 7 years see his bare face for the first time. “How fast does it grow back?” she asked.

Stanley Ho, a Macau casino tycoon considered ‘the father of Chinese gambling’, died at age 98. He would have lasted longer, but too many people bet he’d make it to 100.

Uber Eats is launching “family style meals” so everyone in the house can screw the delivery driver out of a tip.

Disney+ premiered ‘Out’ – Pixar’s first short film featuring a gay leading character. It has for years featured gay supporting characters like Rex and Slinky Dog from Toy Story.