A New Jersey woman was sucked into a sewer and shot out into a river over a mile away. She says she won’t return to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. [story h/t to J.L.]

Two Jimmy John’s sandwich shop employees were fired for posting a video where they made a noose out of bread dough. Jimmy John’s is also pulling the Hangman’s Ham Hoagie from their menu.

Kanye West’s family is reportedly concerned that he’s experiencing a serious bipolar episode. In related news, Kanye agreed to participate in his first presidential candidate debate against himself.

Lavicia Leslie will assume the title role in CW Network’s comic book drama ‘Batwoman’, vacated by lesbian actress Ruby Rose. Leslie, a black bisexual actress, is attracted to both cats and penguins.

A wooden statue of Melania Trump was set on fire in her native Slovenia. No response yet from the wooden statue in the East Wing.

Supermarket chain Wegmans announced the permanent closure of all its in-store pubs, following the latest fatal shopping cart DUI in the frozen food aisle.

The FDA warned of hand sanitizers that contain wood alcohol. The sanitizer is toxic if absorbed through the skin, yet smooth and delicious with a splash of Coke.

The mayor of Seoul, South Korea has been reported missing. All available cops have been called in to do some serious Seoul searching.

A 12-year-old girl won $20,000 for creating a car seat device that helps prevent hot-car deaths. She plans to spend the money helping her 3-year-old brother recover from prototype testing.

Decommissioned police body cameras are being sold on eBay, and hackers buying them are finding troves of video evidence, much of which captures distraught employees being shaken down for free Dunkin donuts.