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A new report reveals Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has accepted millions of dollars in travel and hospitality from a wealthy Republican donor in violation of ethics rules. The only judge that’s been paid off more times than Thomas is Judy.

A Texas woman stabbed her fiancee to death, then tried to stitch his wounds closed. She was charged with murder and now her sewing machine is broken.

A new report documents the abuse of more than 600 children in the Catholic Church’s Archdiocese of Baltimore. Officials are considering expanding the investigation beyond what happened last month.

A Michigan family welcomed the first baby daughter in the husband’s lineage since 1885. However, the baby’s first words are “I identify as non-binary”.

A Newark, Delaware man was arrested after attempting to carjack an off-duty officer in an unmarked police vehicle. It’s the first-ever carjacking where the perpetrator ended up in the back seat.

The National Oceanographic Administration said wind farms off of the New Jersey shore could ‘adversely affect’ whales, but not kill them. Meanwhile the Surgeon General said boardwalk food at the Jersey Shore could both adversely affect and kill beachgoing whales.

A new study claims that eating too much sugar has 45 negative health effects. If the sugar comes in the form of a donut eaten along with Dunkin’ coffee, that expands to 145 negative effects.

The barcode is turning 50 – matching the number of minutes it takes for the person ahead of you in line to self-checkout their groceries.

SUGA, of Korean boy-band sensation BTS, was named an Ambassador to the National Basketball Association. He’ll help promote the sport in his native South Korea, and inspire thousands of 5’5″ Korean Americans to try out for, and get cut from, their high school teams.

Idaho passed a law which bans knowingly providing out-of-state travel for women seeking abortions. In other news, Boise’s Plan C Bus Lines announced they’re going out of business.

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The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service declared the ivory-billed woodpecker officially extinct. 22 other lesser-known species were also named extinct, but nobody cares because they never got their own cartoon.

Former ‘Even Stevens’ star Christy Carlson Romano said she blew much of her Disney Channel earnings on psychic readings and crystals. Though she remains conflicted, since her psychic predicted she’d be really bad with money.

President Biden cancelled a trip to Chicago, saying he’ll remain in Washington to see his economic agenda get murdered, instead.

Lava continued to erupt from Spain’s La Palma volcano, flowing into the sea and releasing toxic gas – more lethal than a Monday morning after Sunday night three-bean paella suppers.

600 United Airlines employees face termination for defying the company’s vaccine mandate. The company is asking for their attention while they’re directed to the front & rear exits of Human Resources.

Starbucks, Panera & Dunkin are offering free coffee on National Coffee Day – but they’re each charging $5 to use the restroom.

37% of people infected with COVID-19 show symptoms six months later, according to the phone calls they make to their jobs asking for Friday off.

An Illinois man died of rabies from a bat bite. His family started a GoFundMe to buy him a black cape and a coffin he can sleep in during daytime.

‘No Time To Die‘ premieres after a long delay. It shows a busy James Bond getting vaccinated in the middle of a fistfight with unmasked bad guys.

MTV is planning a new ‘Teen Mom‘ spinoff featuring show alum & porn star Farrah Abraham, titled ‘Adult Skank‘.

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109 employees at Winter Park ski resort in Colorado tested positive for COVID-19, but so far nobody’s died with their boots on.

30 parrots were removed from the Philadelphia home of a man found dead in the back of a U-Haul. All 30 asked for a cracker, and a lawyer.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announced they’re expecting a baby. The parents of two-year-old Archie haven’t disclosed if it’s a Betty or a Jughead.

Coca-Cola will trial selling drinks in paper bottles this summer. They decided on paper because the ones made of tooth enamel dissolved too quickly.

The daughter of the Lombardi Trophy silversmith wants an apology from Tom Brady for tossing it between boats in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Super Bowl victory parade. No one has the heart to tell her about Rob Gronkowski trying to have sex with it.

Students learning at home are more stressed than their peers learning in classrooms, since many of them are too dumb to realize how remote learning makes it so much easier to cheat.

The Daytona 500 was delayed for six hours by rain and ended shortly after midnight. Many of the announced crowd of 30,000 stuck around anyway, once they realized watching rain fall was every bit as exciting as a NASCAR race.

NASA’s Mars rover Perseverance is scheduled to land on Wednesday. NASA’s other Mars rover, Frustration, turned around and came back to Florida three weeks ago.

Katy Perry and Lionel Richie voted to send Claudia Conway – daughter of Trump adviser Kellyanne – to Hollywood on American Idol. Judge Luke Bryan dissented, saying a teen girl hating her parents should have a sad country song about it by now.

Drinking three cups of coffee a day may reduce the risk of prostate cancer – especially if it’s Dunkin coffee, since it destroys the prostate altogether.

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Oregon decriminalized heroin, meth & cocaine. Several legal-marijuana states offically changed their state slogans to “Gateway To Oregon”.

Donald Trump prematurely declared victory at 2:30 in the morning. Coincidentally, that’s how Barron was conceived.

Trump asserted that he had a clear path to 270, though pundits are skeptical since he currently weighs in at about 310.

Given the current timetable for issuing definitive election results, Congress will consider a bill to have final tallies announced at halftime of Thursday Night Football .

Travis Scott quit Instagram. He realized if he wanted to see the Kardashians half-naked, he could just visit them in person.

Florida passed a ballot initiative to approve a $15 minimum wage, despite a huge negative campaign from Florida’s richest resident, Scrooge McDuck.

Dunkin’ & Baskin Robbins were sold for over $11 Billion to Inspire Brands – owners of Arby’s, Sonic & Buffalo Wild Wings. Inspire plans to change its name to Type II Brands.

A humpback whale capsized two kayakers off the coast of Avila Beach, California. The kayakers were uninjured, but said the whale was driving his speedboat way too close to them.

Kanye West is launching Yeezy Christian Academy. Enrollment is steady, as parents sign up their kids, get their YCA shirts & sneakers, withdraw them, and sell the clothes on eBay.

NFL Owners are considering a 16-team ‘COVID contingency’ playoff format in case all regular season games can’t be completed, culminating in Super Bowl St Patrick’s Day.

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A New Jersey woman was sucked into a sewer and shot out into a river over a mile away. She says she won’t return to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. [story h/t to J.L.]

Two Jimmy John’s sandwich shop employees were fired for posting a video where they made a noose out of bread dough. Jimmy John’s is also pulling the Hangman’s Ham Hoagie from their menu.

Kanye West’s family is reportedly concerned that he’s experiencing a serious bipolar episode. In related news, Kanye agreed to participate in his first presidential candidate debate against himself.

Lavicia Leslie will assume the title role in CW Network’s comic book drama ‘Batwoman’, vacated by lesbian actress Ruby Rose. Leslie, a black bisexual actress, is attracted to both cats and penguins.

A wooden statue of Melania Trump was set on fire in her native Slovenia. No response yet from the wooden statue in the East Wing.

Supermarket chain Wegmans announced the permanent closure of all its in-store pubs, following the latest fatal shopping cart DUI in the frozen food aisle.

The FDA warned of hand sanitizers that contain wood alcohol. The sanitizer is toxic if absorbed through the skin, yet smooth and delicious with a splash of Coke.

The mayor of Seoul, South Korea has been reported missing. All available cops have been called in to do some serious Seoul searching.

A 12-year-old girl won $20,000 for creating a car seat device that helps prevent hot-car deaths. She plans to spend the money helping her 3-year-old brother recover from prototype testing.

Decommissioned police body cameras are being sold on eBay, and hackers buying them are finding troves of video evidence, much of which captures distraught employees being shaken down for free Dunkin donuts.

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Brett Favre is charging $5000 for a 10-minute Zoom call via celebrity messaging service Cameo – or, $4000 if you’re a massage therapist and let him show you his penis.

The Trump Administration is suing to stop sales of a tell-all book from former National Security Adviser John Bolton, saying the book contains national security secrets. Although everyone could probably guess the Oval Office bathroom code is 1234.

A court found Shake Shack is not liable for three New York cops getting sick after eating there, saying most people are sick when they find out a cheeseburger and shake costs $17.

Amidst national protests and demands for police reform, many cops across the U.S. are quitting. Dunkin’ shares dropped 30% in early trading.

Google released special Pride Month ringtones for its Pixel mobile phones. So far, the most downloaded is “HEYYYY-ayyyyy’.

Quaker Foods announced a name change for Aunt Jemima products. The syrup will be offered in larger sizes to accommodate a label reading: ‘Your Black Mom’s Sister’s High-Fructose Imitation Maple Goo’.

American moms are saying kid-friendly all-white band The Wiggles need to diversify and add one or more minority members. The band has so far refused, saying racial integration is a Hot Potato.

‘That 70s Show’ actor Danny Masterson was arrested and charged with rape. “Way to go, dumbass” said Red Forman.

Lego launched interactive Super Mario playsets. The combined cost of all of them is nearly $600, leading Mario to complain about having to collect that many coins.

After a two-year investigation, a 34-year old Idaho woman was arrested and charged with having sex with underage boys. A spokesman for the boys called it “two pretty great years.”

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With more & more large corporations and government agencies approving employees working from home, AMC & Regal movie theaters announced they’ll be adding more matinee showtimes.

Levi’s and Nintendo are partnering to launch Super Mario-themed apparel, including Mario’s signature blue denim overalls. However, fans are angry because they don’t fit anyone over three feet tall.

Walmart confirmed a coronavirus case in one of its stores – local health inspectors called it the 19th-most scary disease they found there.

A Florida couple still stuck aboard the Grand Princess cruise ship filed a $1 million lawsuit over Princess Cruises’ handling of the coronavirus outbreak. Princess Cruises said they plan to remove the bench where they lawyer had been advertising.

Rob Gronkowski is reportedly close to signing a deal to appear at WWE pro wrestling events. For now, he’s doing intense studying to meet WWE’s exacting standards for athlete intelligence.

A New Jersey 7-Eleven store owner faces multiple charges for selling homemade hand sanitizer that gave four children first-and-second degree burns. The concoction was a mix of a commercial hand sanitizer, water, and 7-Eleven coffee.

McDonald’s is expanding its lineup of Big Mac sandwiches, adding a Big Mac with just one beef patty and another with four. The one-patty sandwich is called the Little Mac, and the four-patty sandwich is called Half of Donald Trump’s Lunch.

A study from Yale researchers found consumption of artifical sweetener sucralose, along with high-levels of carbohydrates, may raise blood sugar in healthy people to dangerous levels. The study followed a group of people who like putting Splenda on french fries.

Microsoft and its security partners announced the March 10th takedown of the Necurs botnet – believed to be responsible for up to 90% of the world’s email-distributed malware. In other news, the Trump 2020 campaign reported a 90% drop in donations on March 10th.

Starbucks is testing a new fully recyclable, compostable, paper coffee cup.  For its part, Dunkin is testing a new coffee that you can pour into your compost heap to make the worms work faster instead of drinking it yourself.

 

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Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to Supreme Court proceedings, after missing time with gastrointestinal issues. In a 6-3 ruling regarding a foul smell in the courtroom, justices ruled Ginsburg “dealt it”.

Motley Crue annouced they’re voiding their ‘Cessation of Touring’ agreement and will headline a stadium tour in 2020.  However an appeal to uphold the agreement and block the Crue from touring was filed by “Music”.

A new space hotel using artificial gravity is scheduled to be in orbit and habitable by 2025, provided they can figure out what to do about guests dying during the walk from the parking lot.

A 5-year-old boy brought heroin to kindergarten and reportedly told classmates when he tasted it, it made him “feel like Spider Man”. Unfortunately, his classmates were helpless as he nodded out and Doctor Octopus stole all of their lunches.

Philadelphia could become the first city to offer so-called ‘safe injection sites’ for heroin users. The plan faces legal hurdles, as does the proposed loyalty program where addicts accumulate reward points redeemable for Eagles merchandise.

A new Stanford University study shows that an antibody injection could prevent the effects of peanut allergies. So far they’ve only seen positive results in animals, because they can’t get allergic kids to sit still for the shots.

Parents who are addicted to their smartphones have a negative impact on their children’s development, according to bummed out parents reading about the study on their smartphone.

A new lawsuit accuses Ben & Jerry’s of lying when they claim their ice cream is only made from “happy cows” on farms with the ‘Caring Dairy’ certification. As evidence, the plaintiffs cite the high levels of Prozac found in their Chunky Monkey.

‘Ford v. Ferrari’, starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale, topped the weekend box office with $31 million. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ bombed, taking in just over $8 million – surprising experts who predicted Charlie’s Angels would earn 75% of a movie starring men.

  • It was so bad, Charlie didn’t even see it.

Dunkin’ is planning to discontinue using styrofoam coffee cups in favor of double-walled paper cups. Regulars are eager to hold them to see what gets hotter – their fingers, or the burning in their stomachs.

 

 

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Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos’ $38 billion divorce settlement is almost complete, according to a lawyer at a Lamborghini dealership.

New York City began enforcement of its styrofoam ban. Emergency rooms were overflowing with burn and ulcer victims as Dunkin started pouring coffee directly into customers’ mouths.

According to a new study, one in five Americans say they’ve been hurt by someone else’s drinking. Four out of five really appreciate having that wingman.

House Democrats are calling for the investigation of a Secret Facebook group where Border Patrol agents make jokes about migrant deaths and post vulgar images of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The group is launching their own investigation as to who wrecked the secret.

United Airlines apologized for putting a 14-year-old on the wrong international flight from Newark to Europe. They were able to get the teen on the correct flight, and compensated him with someone’s puppy they found in the cargo hold.

USA Today surveyed readers to find out the 25 most popular things they bought in the month of June. Not making the list? – USA Today.

Barnes & Noble opened a new store in Wilmington, Delaware. The new location is designed to be more customer-friendly, so they’ve widened the spaces between shelves to give drug addicts and vagrants more room to lie down.

Tom Brady posted an Instagram video of him cursing after hitting an errant tee shot while golfing, captioned with “when you forget the kids are in the cart”. Brady’s sons laughed, then got back to learning how to cheat at golf.

Walmart is using virtual reality headsets to test middle-management job candidates’ skills. So far, the virtual reality that elicits the best candidate response is the one where they work someplace other than Walmart.

A Bankrate.com study finds over 50% of Americans are losing sleep worrying about money – and are even more pissed off their Fitbits keep telling them they need more sleep.

University researchers in Mexico have created a form of biodegradeable plastic from the juice of the prickly pear cactus. Great news if you care about the environment and don’t mind slicing your lip open drinking bottled water.