Tuesday Jokes: August 18th

Donald Trump issued a pardon for Susan B. Anthony, who was convicted for illegally voting. He extended the pardon for Anthony appearing on dollar coins that he confused with a quarter, and for not being all that hot looking.

The Ellen Degeneres Show told three executive producers to be kind to one another, and that they’re fired.

Prosecutors seek prison time for Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli after their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. Their attorney counters they’ve suffered enough, having sold their $18 million mansion and moved into a $9 million one.

Fans are petitioning Disneyland to rename the resort’s Carnation Cafe to honor the cook who worked there for decades and retired. The petition asks that the eatery be renamed the Carnation Cafe Microwave.

An LAX passenger service agent rated celebrities she’s assisted. Robert Pattinson, Dakota Johnson & others received high marks. Receiving a 2-out-of-10 was Nicki Minaj, who refused to deplane until it was empty. Minaj said she didn’t refuse, her ass was stuck between the armrests.

Baghdad recorded its highest temperature ever on Tuesday, 125.2 degrees. It’s so bad, suicide bombers are strapping themselves to air conditioners.

Vanity Fair magazine published a first-person account of Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet, saying it was straight out of the 70s, with red velour and beds everywhere. And for every trip, flight attendants had to stock it with all-new Barbie dolls.

Virginia’s Department of Health released COVIDWISE – the first COVID-19 exposure app for smartphones. Your profile pic has to to be of you either wearing a mask or a ventilator.

The Great American Outdoors Act authorizes $900 million per year to improve national park facilities – and $4 billion per year to fix the smell in national park restrooms.

A 61-year-old Utah man threw his wife into a river after they argued over dinner plans. After his arrest on assault charges, she looked at his wet clothes and asked “that’s what you’re wearing?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s