Monday Jokes: October 26th

Scientists at the California-based SLAC Digital Accelerator Lab have taken the world’s first 3,200-megapixel digital photos. Although roughly 2,000 of the megapixels are of a scientist’s index finger.

Donald Trump cast his early ballot in Florida, telling assembled reporters he voted “for a guy named Trump”. Adding “, not you, Eric”.

A second government-issued stimulus check may arrive in five waves. Which is why your mailman only financed his new Lexus for six months.

Folk singer Arlo Guthrie said he’s retiring from singing due to health setbacks – surprising fans who just assumed he’d already retired.

Model Ireland Baldwin – daughter of Alec – posted a topless photo with “I Voted” stickers covering her nipples. Republicans accused her of voting twice.

Cell phone video recorded a New York City police car broadcasting “Trump 2020” over its loudspeaker. Police officials ultimately suspended Officer Rudy.

A newborn baby was found in the lavatory of a Qatar Airways jet, and female passengers were appalled at being taken off the flight before departure to see if they’d just given birth. They wondered why they didn’t just examine women who asked for seat belt extenders.

Home Depot is starting its Black Friday sale three weeks early – givingkAmerican men three extra weeks to get terrible Christmas presents for their wives and girlfriends.

A house cat in Palm Harbor, Florida caught a two-headed racer snake in the wild and brought it home. The Florida Fish & Wildlife Institute is caring for the snake, while the cat patiently waits to visit the snake and bite both of the heads off.

NASA scheduled a press conference to announce “exciting new findings about the Moon” – which turned out to be an astronaut dropping his pants with “Gotcha” written on his buttocks.

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