Friday Jokes: October 23rd

Due to timing of NFL approvals, the Washington Football Team said they may need to keep their name through the 2021 season. Although they may slightly change it to Washington New & Improved Football Team.

According to overnight metrics, last night’s final Presidential Debate was watched by over 50 million Americans who forgot there was a football game on.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said there’s no cause for concern despite bandages and visible bruising on his hands, adding that he normally loses two pints of blood during a manicure.

U.S. astronaut Kate Rubins voted while aboard the International Space Station. Then she immediately filed a complaint about the Russian cosmonaut assigned to the ISS as a poll watcher by the Trump campaign.

Police in Queens are looking for a suspect who’s robbed six different Chinese food delivery drivers, taking their phones and cash, but not the food because MSG gives him headaches.

Quibi will shut down in December. Or sooner, it’s currently at about 4% battery life.

Mattel is issuing a Tiny Dancer Barbie to commemorate the 45th Anniversary of Elton John’s famous Dodger Stadium concert. The doll costs $19.99, but accessories including cocaine and hair plugs are hundreds of dollars extra.

Santa Claus will not appear at Macy’s stores for the first time in 160 years due to the pandemic. Children are asked to send their letters to him care of the North Pole Hospital Intensive Care Unit.

Ariana Grande released a new video for her song ‘Positions’ where she’s President of the United States. Difference being, she just licks the donuts instead of eating a lot of them.

The Los Angeles Fire Department introduced the Thermite RS3 – the world’s first firefighting robot. It’s been under development for several years – one month learning to shoot water, and 35 months learning to get drunk and run chicken barbecues.

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