Tuesday Jokes: January 5th

ABC introduced Matt James, the first black man on ‘The Bachelor – or, as it’s now called, ‘Da Bachelor‘.

Mike Pence addressed a rally for Georgia Senate candidates Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue, saying America will “hear the evidence” of election fraud in a joint session of Congress on January 6th, adding “and not from Rudy Giuliani this time”.

In light of crowded hospitals and ICUs, Los Angeles County is telling ambulance crews not to drop off patients with little chance of survival. Residents are angry that they’re calling ambulances, and hearses with Uber stickers are showing up.

Actress Emma Stone is pregnant. Longtime partner Dave McCary is believed to have provided The Help.

Harry Potter film actress Jessica Cave said her baby boy has contracted COVID-19, but she thinks he’ll make a full recovery thanks to an antiviral spell.

Wisconsin pharmacist Steven Brandenburg, who’s accused of deliberately destroying COVID-19 vaccines, said he did so because he believes they can change human DNA. Asked where he got his pharmacy certification, Brandenburg replied Hogwarts.

Fashion designer Alexander Wang is facing sexual assault allegations from male and trans models, who say they’re fighting an uphill battle on account of all the puns.

U.S. News & World Report awarded its Best Diet Gold Medal Award to the Mediterranean Diet for the 4th straight year. “Alright!” said a guy adding olives and anchovies to his double-cheese pizza.

The annual Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show – one of the cities biggest conventions – will be held virtually this year. I.T. consultants are raking in huge sums helping work-from-home strippers set up Zoom Champagne Rooms.

Outgoing Secretary of Education Betsy Devos penned a farewell letter to Congressional leaders – who sent it back for multiple spelling & grammar corrections.

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