Thursday Jokes: June 3rd

Jennifer Woodley, 40, former CEO of Make-A-Wish Iowa, pleaded guilty to embezzling over $40,000. Because of her theft, dozens of sick children had their wishes delayed, all of which were “getting the hell out of Iowa”.

Anheuser-Busch will buy Americans over age 21 “a round of beer” if 70% of them are vaccinated by July 4th. White Claw will do the same for Americans aged 12-20.

West Virginia is offering guns as prizes in its vaccine lottery. “I won!” said a 7th grader.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson married fiancee Carrie Symonds in a secret ceremony on Saturday, after he finally agreed to brush his hair.

‘From The Desk of Donald J. Trump’, a blog started by the former President, was taken down after just one month. Trump instead plans to focus on a podcast which he’ll quit after a week or two.

A 3-year-old piano prodigy will perform at Carnegie Hall – marking the first time a featured artist plays a curated medley of ‘Heart & Soul’, ‘Jingle Bells’ & ‘Chopsticks’.

Investigators searching through a deceased Australian man’s “hoarder house” found the mummified body of a burglar he’d shot and killed 15 years ago. It was on a pile of 20 other mummified bodies he was saving.

A 77-year-old Brooklyn man was charged with trying to lure two young boys, ages 5 & 7, in to his car with candy. The plot failed because the boys had no idea what Life Savers are.

A Colorado man was mauled by a bear in his garage, where he stored birdseed. The man survived, and the bear plans to return when the menu improves.

A New Hampshire hiker died after tying a hammock to a dead spruce tree, which fell on him as he slept. Nobody heard anything.

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