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Jeopardy! champion Amy Schneider lost, ending a streak of 40 consecutive victories when she couldn’t remember Bangladesh as the only country ending in ‘H’. The third place finisher guessed Canadah.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement. President Biden is expected to nominate a liberal black woman, who, in turn, is expected to uphold the long fingernails of the law.

A Coatesville, Pennsylvania man followed a woman home and shot her & her brother because she bumped into him at a grocery store. The store has temporarily disabled the ability to buy handguns with loose change at Coinstar.

Spotify acted on Neil Young’s ultimatum and dropped his music from the service, keeping the Joe Rogan Podcast. Now a petition signed by 50 million Spotify subscribers asks Rogan to threaten to quit unless they pull the new Kid Rock single.

A 77-year-old Polish man is now sharing the story of a 20-year-old housekeeper, Irena Gut, who hid him and 12 other Jews in the basement of a Nazi officer’s home. He called her a lifesaver, but not exactly the best cleaner he’d ever seen.

Pope Francis called on parents to “never condemn” their gay children. Adding “and, you know, some child molesters aren’t all that bad either if you get to know ’em.”

A Philadelphia man shot his adult son, then the son took the gun and shot his father. No medical information is available on them, but police believe the two may never agree who the Eagles should take with their three first-round draft picks.

Scientists claim to have regrown a frog’s missing leg with a “chemical cocktail” – though they’re not sure it will taste as good as the one they removed.

Doctors conclude the COVID-19 vaccine will not impact menstruation, but women may still act kinda bitchy for a few days before they get it.

A man crashed his car into Taylor Swift’s New York City apartment building. He’s facing DUI charges once he shakes it off in a holding cell.

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A Boston hospital is denying a heart transplant to a patient who refuses to get a COVID-19 vaccine. “Have a heart” he pleaded.

Julia “Hurricane” Hawkins, age 105, set a record in the Louisiana Senior Games by running 100 meters in 1 minute, 2 seconds. Her record will be certified once officials test her urine sample, which she provided by giving officials her track shorts.

Starbucks is launching BAYA energy drink. It’s pronounced “buy’-a“, as in, “I’d rather buy a energy drink that doesn’t cost six dollars.”

Simply Lemonade is entering the boozy beverage market with Simply Spiked Lemonade. It’ll be available in stores, and from 2nd graders blacked out at a card table in front of their house.

COVID-19 was detected in two wild New Jersey deer. They’re still looking for the two does who were with them during that wild weekend in Atlantic City.

Walking just 10 minutes a day could lead to a longer life. “Good to know!” said a serial killer who now walks to his victim’s houses.

Peter Robbins, the voice actor who portrayed ‘Peanuts’ character Charlie Brown, died by suicide. Memorial contributions can be made to the 5-Cent Psychiatric Clinic.

Barry Bonds, Major League Baseball’s all-time home run leader, was denied entry to the Hall Of Fame in his last chance on the ballot. Voters didn’t want him getting a big head.

An out-of-control rocket launched by SpaceX in 2015 will crash into the Moon in early March. “Never forget” said Moon Creatures, in early March 2023.

D.A.R.E. – Drug Abuse Resistance Education – is condemning HBO’s ‘Euphoria‘ for depicting high school student drug use, addiction, and anonymouse sex. Meanwhile, the fictional high school is being inundated with transfer requests from teens watching the show.

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January 6th rioter Jenna Ryan, a realtor who said she was “definitely not going to jail”, was sentenced to a jail term. Ryan now says she’s “definitely not going to be assaulted in jail”.

Another tough week for rappers – following the deaths of 8 people at Travis Scott’s Astroworld Festival, 10 people died of anaphylactic shock at Popeye’s after eating Megan Thee Stallion’s Hottie Sauce.

An Astroworld Festival planning document instructed security & others to call dead concertgoers “Smurfs”, not “dying” or “deceased”. EMTs called the event the “Smurfiest” they’ve seen, while pronouncing multiple young men & women “Smurf”.

Julia Thompson, 11, had eaten nothing but chicken nuggets her entire life and was diagnosed with ARFID – avoidant restrictive food intake disorder. She was successfully treated and now eats other foods thanks to a hypnotherapist, who made her believe she was a chicken.

Anchor Brian Williams is leaving MSNBC and NBC News. Williams, whose career suffered a setback when he embellished personal stories in interviews, says he needs time off to continue being Batman.

McDonald’s is debuting the ‘Mariah Carey Menu’ next month. Carey said her signature to-go order is a cheeseburger, which she orders with extra pickles, and five extra cheeseburgers.

The creator of Squid Game said a second season is coming, but it’s taking a while to properly film people getting shot playing Duck Duck Goose.

European women’s soccer player Aminata Diallo is accused of ordering an assault on teammate Kheira Hamraoui to give herself more playing time. Diallo has been suspended by Paris Saint-Germain head coach Geoffrie Gilloolie.

Scientists studying murder hornet attacks say honeybees make a noise to alert other bees in the hive of danger. They say the honeybees noise loosely translates to “get the guns”.

Roughly 1 million U.S. kids aged 5-11 will have their first COVID vaccine by the end of the day Wednesday, while several million more will be doing their own research listening to the L’il Joey Rogan podcast.

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Eight concertgoers died in a crowd surge at Travis Scott’s Astroworld festival in Houston. Travis Scott Meals at McDonald’s now contain business cards from Rand Spear and Morgan & Morgan.

Travis Scott’s pregnant girlfriend Kylie Jenner was unhurt, citing protection from her sturdy front & rear bumpers.

According to a new book from ABC White House Correspondent Jon Karl, Donald Trump threatened to leave the Republican Party after his 2020 defeat, to join forces with Mike Lindell and form the Pillow Fight Party.

Republicans called a COVID vaccination Tweet from Big Bird “propaganda”. Oscar the Grouch & Aaron Rodgers consulted with Joe Rogan on how best to address their vaccination status.

State Farm pulled back on ads featuring Aaron Rodgers over the weekend, switching to ads featuring customers thanking “Jake” for their great home & auto rates while hooked up to ventilators.

Archaeologists unearthed slave quarters in the ancient city of Pompeii, that contained beds, harnesses, and the worst wifi reception ever.

Macaulay Culkin was a surprise model in a Gucci fashion show. Culkin walked the makeshift runway on Hollywood Boulevard, but several other models left with foot injuries from stepping on toy cars and light bulbs.

State Street Global Advisors, one of the world’s largest investment firms, announced managers will need ‘special permission’ to hire white males as part of their diversity & inclusion initiative. Five white guys have already been fired after Bosom Buddy-ing their way past H.R.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad author Robert Kiyosaki continues to predict a giant, inflation-driven recession, adding there are only three safe investments: gold, silver & Bitcoin. Kiyosaki gave the prediction on his new podcast with Scrooge McDuck.

An 89-year-old man completed his third doctorate degree. Those attending his latest PhD thesis presentation said they’ve seen people fall asleep before, but never the presenter.

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A 98-year-old COVID-19 victim’s cadaver was dissected without his family’s permission, in a ticketed public autopsy for medical professionals held at the Portland Marriott. The family may sue, as will the people who mistakenly walked in looking for the wedding reception in the next ballroom.

Lawyers for the weapons handler on ‘Rust‘ – Alec Baldwin’s film project where a cinematographer was killed – allege possible sabotage by someone placing a live bullet in a prop handgun. They say this isn’t the only sabotage – someone tried casting Andy Dick in the movie.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly unvaccinated. The bad news is he’ll miss this weekend’s game, the good news is State Farm ads have been quarantined for 14 days.

‘Diana: The Musical’, about the life of Princess Diana, previewed on Broadway to negative reviews, with some calling it “a train wreck that ends in a car wreck”.

Fat cells have been found to play a central role in cognitive decline, according to the new ‘Fat, Dumb & Happy’ study.

A 4-year-old Australian girl missing for two weeks was found alive and returned safely to her family. A 36-year-old man was arrested and charged with her abduction, and Aussie police released the dingo-of-interest they’d held for questioning.

India marked the celebration of Diwali amidst air pollution so bad, residents asked “Who turned out the Festival of Lights?”

Nintendo of America cut forecast sales of its popular Switch gaming console, citing a global microchip shortage, and the release of an unexpectedly long Naughty list by Santa Claus.

Following the Alec Baldwin ‘Rust‘ film set shooting, Dwayne The Rock Johnson said he won’t use real guns in his movies anymore. The Rock’s demand will cause massive rewrites, delaying the production of Disney’s ‘The Tooth Fairy 3’.

A new paper published in the environmental journal Nature claims large whales poop much more than scientists previously thought. The conclusion was reached by observing sharks, disgusted at whale behavior ruining their dinner parties.

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Hospitals are gouging families by charging extra for routine childbirth by classifying them as “emergencies”. The families are challenging the bills, saying the newborns should be classified as “accidents”.

Delphi, an artifcial intelligence built to answer ethical questions, is being exposed as racist. Asked to describe ‘a white man walking toward you at night’, Delphi replied “it’s okay”, but said “it’s concerning” when describing a black man approaching. Delphi also wanted to know “what is walking?”

Democrats unveiled a new plan to tax billionaires to pay for a massive infrastructure spending bill. For instance, every time Jeff Bezos drives over the Golden Gate Bridge, it costs $75 million dollars.

Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine was authorized by the FDA for use on children ages 5 through 11. Democrats unveiled a new multi-billion-dollar spending plan to bribe children to get the vaccine with ice cream and video games.

Google releases their new Pixel 6 phones this week, much to the dismay of wives & girlfriends wishing their cheapskate husbands & boyfriends would just get an iPhone.

A toilet tube broke on Space X’s Crew Dragon civilian flight, spraying urine. Donald Trump asked how soon he and several female Russian cosmonauts could book a trip.

Excessive drinking during the pandemic is leading to a surge in liver transplants. Fortunately, excessive drinking & driving during the pandemic is keeping up the supply of available livers.

The Cleveland Clinic is testing a new breast cancer vaccine. However, they caution women to ignore emails requesting pictures of their breasts to see if they qualify.

The CDC added ‘mood disorders’ to the list of high-risk conditions for COVID-19. Women in marriages over 10 years should seek booster shots because they’re rarely in the mood.

A brawl erupted at a dog show for ‘bully breeds’ , with multiple men & women engaged in fistfights and chair throwing. The melee delayed the start of the show, which featured pit bulls dodging chairs & punches to maul men & women.

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A man remains at large after stabbing a security guard at a NYC Apple Store. The attack was captured on store security, but not by any of the dozen-or-so dopes standing around holding iPhones.

Police in suburban Philadelphia arrested 6 people, charged with selling cocaine out of ambulances. Cops noticed a spike in 911 calls asking for rides to raves and music festivals.

Alabama school employee Martha Pope, 43, was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old male student. Or, as it’s known in Alabama high schools, “health class”.

A Manhattan entrepreneur who hired a woman as a live-in assistant was arrested for placing hidden cameras in her bedroom and bathroom, then tried to blame his 10-year-old son. “Not only did I not do it, he wouldn’t even let me watch the video!” said the 10-year-old.

A man & woman, Philadelphia Eagles fans, were removed from the Carolina Panthers stadium after having sex in a men’s room stall during last Sunday’s game. It didn’t last long, since the man only made it to the L in the E-A-G-L-E-S chant before finishing.

LinkedIn is shutting down its China website, after crashing the Internet sending billions of notifications telling people to congratulate factory employees celebrating work anniversaries.

Ghost Robotics, a robot maker for the military, showed off the new Q-UGV, a robot dog equipped with a gun. “No, YOU sit” said the robot.

A stuntman inverted in a straitjacket was smashed between two exploding cars in a stunt gone wrong on the new ‘America’s Got Talent: Extreme‘. He was rushed to a trauma unit after receiving the show’s first-ever Golden Medivac.

Gay comic Hannah Gadsby – responding to Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos defending Dave Chappelle’s recent special – said she takes sh*ts with more backbone than Sarandos. Gadsby is currently recovering from rectal reconstruction surgery.

NBA Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving refuses to get the COVID-19 vaccine, the first shot in his life he wouldn’t consider taking.

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Police revealed that fugitive Brian Laundrie had been under surveillance since he returned to Florida after the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito. They also revealed that it wasn’t exactly great surveillance.

18 former NBA players are charged in a $4 million health care fraud scheme. They deny the charges, but will likely take plea deals because none of them really want to play defense.

The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC accumulated $70 million in losses during Donald Trump’s four years as President – $10 million in operating losses, and $60 million in visiting dignitaries stealing towels.

California made ‘stealthing’ – removing a condom without verbal consent during intercourse – illegal. The verbal consent clause is a compromise from the original bill, which required both parties to sign the condom.

A judge sentenced an Illinois woman to four days in jail for coming too close to a grizzly bear and her cubs while taking photos in Yellowstone National Park. The bear also was granted the first-ever restraining order against a human in park history.

A California criminology professor was arrested and charged with arson for starting the state’s Cal Fire. The professor said he was running out of things to talk about in class.

Fox News turned 25 on Thursday, a milestone commemorated with a new special: “Fox News’ 50th Anniversary‘.

Despite the harmful effects to the environment, China has ordered increased production of coal, claiming there’s an energy shortage, and a record number of Chinese kids on Santa’s naughty list.

Researchers in Japan successfully tested a vaccination strategy in mice that could prevent not just COVID-19 but other coronavirus strains. The key to making it work in humans is finding a way to get them to eat the cheese or peanut butter.

A Waffle House employee at the center of a viral video controversy – she’s holding a baby while working in the kitchen – defended herself, saying she had no choice but to take the baby, her niece, to work. Critics say the problem isn’t the baby being there, it’s that the baby is smoking in a food prep area.

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Longtime Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth announced his retirement from music – joining his vocal cords, which retired 25 years ago.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver and vocal anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley cut his signature long blonde hair, saying he was donating it to teenagers who go bald from the COVID vaccine.

John Mellencamp said in an interview that Bruce Springsteen is “like a big brother.” “John who?” asked Springsteen.

Hospital statistics in the New England area reveal 3,268 babies named ‘Brady’ during the Tom Brady era with the Patriots…and one very unhappy baby named ‘Belichick’.

Authorities are trying to explain their difficulty in locating Brian Laundrie. They say one of the biggest reasons is that alligators don’t vomit too often.

The charred remains of a 3-bedroom, 1 1/2 bath home destroyed by fire in Melrose, Massachusetts sold for $399,000. According to the Zillow listing, the house has “good bones” – of the people who lived there.

Play was suspended in the National Women’s Soccer League as the Commissioner resigned, and two head coaches were fired amidst accusations of sexual harassment. Players called it a necessary kick in the balls.

Dog The Bounty Hunter said his ‘tip line’ for leads in the search for Brian Laundrie has gotten “thousands” of calls, but that his cassette-tape answering machine filled up after the first five.

Peloton introduced its new treadmill, after recalling the old one for injuries to children caught under it. Peloton saidchildren are safe around the new treadmill, but can’t promise anything for kittens and small dogs.

Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen appeared on ‘60 Minutes‘, saying the social media giant prioritized profit over user safety and information integrity – claims that Facebook executives dismissed as “about right”.

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A study finds that a two-shot version of the Johnson & Johnson COVID vaccine is 94% effective in preventing serious infection. Americans are eagerly awaiting the new Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson shots.

The International Federation of Sport Climbing issued an apology to competitor Johanna Farber, after tv coverage of the world championships showed an extended closeup of chalk handprints on her buttocks. Farber complained about being sexualized, and about being called ‘a real handful’.

A study of Tesla drivers finds they become “inattentive” when using their car’s Autopilot feature. The study surveyed 100 owners of Teslas totaled by trees and telephone poles.

Chipotle Mexican Grill is adding smoked brisket as a meat option for a limited time, with “limited time” believed to be the earlier of one month, or ten E.coli poisonings.

Apple is working on technology to detect depression in users. They’ll analyze iMessages to see how long it’s been since iPhone owners got laid.

SpaceX’s civilian astronauts, who spent three days in space on the Inspiration 4, said they encountered problems with the toilets on board – specifically, really old magazines.

Researchers at Washington University of St. Louis say they can determine when patients first show signs of Alzheimer’s related dementia – it’s when they show up for their dementia exam and ask when the movie is going to start.

The search for Gabby Petito’s fiance Brian Laundrie – a person of interest in her death – resumes in Florida. Investigators obtained search warrants in order to floss the teeth of alligators in the remote glades where he may have been hiding.

Western U.S. wildfires are threatening the lives of some of the country’s oldest trees, and driving up home prices for squirrels.

HGTV star Christina Haack showed off her huge diamond engagement ring from fiance Josh Hall. Following marriages to Tarek El Moussa and Ant Anstead, this is her third flip.