After cutting ties with Kanye West, Adidas plans to sell Yeezy footwear under a new name. So far they’ve ruled out Kyreezy and Will Smeezy.

Four U.S. states abolished slavery, effectively eliminating themselves from consideration for a new Amazon distribution center.

Transgender beauty influencer Nikita Dragun was reportedly placed in a men’s unit of a Miami jail after her arrest for walking naked around a hotel pool. Dragun did influence male prisoners into thinking about sex with a transgender woman.

Tomorrow Marvel’s Black Panther sequel premieres. Which, at 2 hours and 41 minutes, feels like it takes Wakanda Forever.

Some Saturday Night Live writers are boycotting this week’s show hosted by Dave Chappelle, over his allegedly transphobic jokes. Chappelle will be left with little choice but to write his own sketches that are actually original and funny.

Bride-to-be Tiffany Trump is reportedly “flipping out” that Tropical Storm Nicole could ruin her Saturday wedding at Mar-a-Lago. Donald Trump still plans to give Tiffany away, even though he thought he gave her away years ago.

Sylvester Stallone gave an update on friend Bruce Willis’ health amid Willis’ battle with aphasia. Afterward, listeners asked if someone with a fully-functioning brain could give a better update.

Joey Arcidiacono, a man arrested for throwing a can of White Claw seltzer at Ted Cruz during the Houston Astros World Series victory parade, claims he wanted Cruz to catch it – in his jaw.

Pennsylvania state legislator Tony DeLuca was reelected despite dying last month. He’ll be the first-ever elected official sworn in with a Ouija board.

Donald Trump blamed his wife Melania for convincing him to endorse Dr. Oz in his failed bid for U.S. Senate, calling it “not her best decision”. Said Melania “neither was this” as she held up her ring finger.

Jennifer Woodley, 40, former CEO of Make-A-Wish Iowa, pleaded guilty to embezzling over $40,000. Because of her theft, dozens of sick children had their wishes delayed, all of which were “getting the hell out of Iowa”.

Anheuser-Busch will buy Americans over age 21 “a round of beer” if 70% of them are vaccinated by July 4th. White Claw will do the same for Americans aged 12-20.

West Virginia is offering guns as prizes in its vaccine lottery. “I won!” said a 7th grader.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson married fiancee Carrie Symonds in a secret ceremony on Saturday, after he finally agreed to brush his hair.

‘From The Desk of Donald J. Trump’, a blog started by the former President, was taken down after just one month. Trump instead plans to focus on a podcast which he’ll quit after a week or two.

A 3-year-old piano prodigy will perform at Carnegie Hall – marking the first time a featured artist plays a curated medley of ‘Heart & Soul’, ‘Jingle Bells’ & ‘Chopsticks’.

Investigators searching through a deceased Australian man’s “hoarder house” found the mummified body of a burglar he’d shot and killed 15 years ago. It was on a pile of 20 other mummified bodies he was saving.

A 77-year-old Brooklyn man was charged with trying to lure two young boys, ages 5 & 7, in to his car with candy. The plot failed because the boys had no idea what Life Savers are.

A Colorado man was mauled by a bear in his garage, where he stored birdseed. The man survived, and the bear plans to return when the menu improves.

A New Hampshire hiker died after tying a hammock to a dead spruce tree, which fell on him as he slept. Nobody heard anything.

Robert Johnson, billionaire founder of BET Network, said the U.S. government should pay black Americans $14 trillion in reparations for slavery. “Yeah!” said Rachel Dolezal.

UFC fighter Jon Jones said he’ll relinquish his light heavyweight title belt – but the pawn shop guy said he’s still only giving him $200 for it.

Police in Pittsburgh seek to arrest and charge 20-year-old Brian Bartels for starting riots there. Bartels allegedly said that Philadelphia is a pretty great city, too.

Actor Thomas Middleditch and wife Mollie Gates – who Middleditch has said have an open marriage – are getting divorced. Their marriage is now more open than ever.

Donald Trump plans to declare Antifa a terrorist organization, and is pretty sure he’ll do the same for Uncletifa.

Dozens of Walmart and Target stores closed after being looted during weekend riots. Workers were largely unsuccessful collecting email addresses to let the looters know when the stores plan to reopen.

White Claw hard seltzer launched in Ireland, delighting women who want a lighter alternative to get loaded before their bar fights. 

Beyoncé posted on Instagram, telling her fans to demand justice and end racial inequality. She then shut off the camera and asked her assistants to let her know how everything turns out.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook needs to do more to support equality and safety for black communities. Then he kicked back and watched Facebook videos about how black people started COVID-19.

The World Meteorological Organization released its alphabetically-ordered list of hurricane names for 2020, starting with Arthur, Bertha, Cristobal & Dolly. Kyle was chosen for letter K, leading to Karen asking to speak to the hurricane’s manager.

Shanghai Disneyland reopened, challenging even the most expert Chinese photographers to frame selfies with Mickey Mouse while he stands six feet away.

Uber informed 3,500 customer support employees via Zoom calls that they were being terminated, saying there aren’t enough riders being sexually harassed by drivers to keep them busy.

Europe’s only seeing-eye guide pony had to retire from service after eating maple leaves, which are toxic to them. He survived, but he’s still a little hoarse. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

White Claw is introducing reduced-calorie White Claw 70, for weight-conscious pussies.

Boeing’s CEO appeared on the Today Show and said he thinks the COVID-19 pandemic will cause one major airline to shut down. He wouldn’t say which one, but said pretty much everybody hopes it’s Spirit.

Facebook and Instagram are celebrating the Class of 2020 during the Week of May 11th. Graduates can find special features on Instagram, and can avoid their parents & grandparents by not going on Facebook.

LinkedIn added user polls and video events, giving self-promoting suck-ups two more things for you to roll your eyes at when you visit the site.

An 11-year-old Brazilian boy became the first to ever land a 1080-degree flip off a standard ramp on a skateboard. Since he’s been blowing off homeschool math to practice, he figures that’s about six full rotations.

A 17-ton piece of a failed Chinese rocket that launched May 5 crashed back down to Earth, landing in the Atlantic Ocean west of Africa, sending a Chinese 7th grader back to the drawing board for next year’s Science Fair.

A new phishing scam involves fake Zoom & videoconference portals to steal personal information. Users should be on the lookout for services that look like Zoom, but where the host asks participants to introduce themselves with their social security number.

 

‘Joker 2’ is reportedly in development. It picks up the story in the future when aspiring comedian Arthur Fleck goes on a murderous rampage after his Facebook friends reply ‘Interested’ & ‘Going’ to his comedy show but don’t attend.

President Trump addressed the media following Ambassador Gordon Sondland’s testimony during Impeachment Hearings, holding notes reading “I want nothing. I want nothing.”  The notes were from his stop at the vegan station in the White House Dining Hall.

Walmart is redesigning its fresh produce department in response to consumer complaints. And by “redesigning” they mean replacing it with Cheetos.

Category-leading hard seltzer brand White Claw projects $1.5 billion in sales this year. Budget brand Natural Light Hard Seltzer projects to spend about $1.5 billion settling liver-failure lawsuits.

Three black women watching ‘Harriet’ at an AMC Theater in New Orleans say they were racially profiled by managers who stopped the film and falsely accused them of having fake tickets. The women said they never received an apology, and that it was the worst Madea movie yet.

A sprawling storm in the central United States next Tuesday & Wednesday could cause massive disruption to Thanksgiving travel plans. People unable to join their families for Thanksgiving are wondering how to send a ‘thank you’ note to a storm.

Shania Twain accused country music radio of being ageist for not playing her songs or songs from peers like Reba McIntyre or Patty Loveless. She plans to release a new single ‘Cryin’ In My Tesla Drinking White Claw’.

Personal organization expert Marie Kondo opened an online shop, selling items that “spark joy for Marie”. Then Kondo looks at her sales revenue, and sparks even more joy.

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin said the group is putting touring on hold as they figure out how to make their tours more environmentally friendly – aside from the obvious solution, not doing any.

Rob Gronkowski joined the Los Angeles ‘Laker Girls’ during a chroreographed dance routine during a break in their NBA game. Several Laker Girls entered the Dancer Concussion Protocol after congratulatory head-butts from Gronk.

 

Former White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is joining Fox News. She becomes the network’s biggest female talent.

Amazon opened its largest office building in the world in Hyperabad, India. It has room for 15,000 employees and one restroom.

A Manhattan man was killed after an elevator car he was exiting malfunctioned. A friend is expected to give him the world’s briefest eulogy: “Going up.”

Costco is opening its first warehouse club in China. They’re hiring extra forklift operators and EMTs to rescue customers crushed trying to carry bulk bags of rice.

Website Business Insider ranked nine brands of hard seltzer and industry leader White Claw emerged as #1.  The non-scientific survey was conducted during a free period for the 50 high school sophomore girls participating.

Godzilla made a ceremonial plate appearance before a professional baseball game in Japan. He struck out swinging his short arms, breathed fire on the pitcher and was ejected.

A priest in Chester County, Pennsylvania is accused of stealing $125,000 to fund his lavish lifestyle, including a beach house and relationships with men. Parishioners grew suspicious when he hired a sommelier for the altar wine.

Golfer Brooks Koepka posed nude for ESPN The Magazine’s Body Issue. He said those criticizing him don’t have the Titleists to do it themselves.

Tom Brady’s request to have the name “Tom Terrific” trademarked was denied based on its association with baseball Hall of Famer Tom Seaver. His trademark request for “Tom The Cheating Ball Deflater” was approved, but isn’t expected to do him much good.

Liam Hemsworth told E! News when he decided it was time to file for divorce from Miley Cyrus — his wedding day.