Friday Jokes: September 17th

Police are searching for an Oklahoma man who defecated in a grocery store freezer, where a woman put her hands in it while reaching for Totino’s Pizza Rolls. She still eats pizza rolls, but has sworn off Fudgsicles for life.

COVID-19 is now the number one cause of death among U.S. law enforcement officers. In a rare act of unity, the Bloods, Crips, MS-13 and Latin Kings have all made COVID-19 an honorary member.

Rapper Saweetie teamed up with Hidden Valley Ranch to endorse a limited edition of Crocs footwear, whose green-flecked beige color mimics the look of the salad dressing, while the rubber of the shoes mimics the taste of vegetables dipped in it.

According to the American Customer Satisfaction Index survey, McDonald’s is the “least-trusted” U.S. fast-food chain. Conversely, Arby’s is the chain most-trusted to make respondents feel ill.

The Justice Department is reviewing its policies on housing transgender inmates in federal prisons, including guidelines for honeymoon nights when transgender prisoners get married.

Copenhagen was named ‘World’s Safest City’ by The Economist. Through 15 pages of single-spaced listings, still no sign of Chicago.

Habitual users of cannabis, especially teens, are reportedly experiencing severe abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting. Emergency room doctors in legal-marijuana states blame the new Hidden Valley Ranch line of THC edibles.

Antoine Dodson – star of the viral 2010 “Hide yo wife, hide yo kids” video – started a GoFundMe to pay funeral expenses for his mother. “Find yo credit cards, find yo Paypal” he says in a new video.

Actor Jason London, star of 1993’s ‘Dazed and Confused’ was arrested for DUI after police found him behind the wheel of a car that crashed, was stuck in a ditch and on fire. Cops described the vehicle as “a lot like London’s career”.

Bam Margera’s wife has not yet filed for divorce, but is seeking sole custody of their 3-year-old son. She said she’d like Bam to have visitation rights, but supervised, and only after he’s removed the beehive from his head.

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